Monday, January 28, 2013

Monsters Inside Me

I came across the picture below over the weekend and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
When it comes to addiction, this (can be) so very true if we aren't careful. We just have to keep fighting our monsters, ghosts, demons, etc. We can NEVER, EVER give up.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Attention to Detail

At my job I have the 'unofficial proof-reader/editor' title b/c I have a really superb talent of noticing fine details and/or errors in print or art (e.g. spelling, punctuation, sentence structure, etc). I never went to school for that sort of thing and have never taken special classes. It is one of those hidden talents I suppose I have always had and have just had a great opportunity to develop it at work. Sometimes, my ability to notice simple details is uncanny.

However, I don't believe my 'keen attention to detail' skill has happened by accident. I believe many of us who struggle w/ SSA all have those special abilities but perhaps just haven't noticed it. We (SSA guys) use it everyday in the form of 'gaydar', our special sixth sense. Some of us have better gaydar than others, or are more tuned into our sixth sense. And this gaydar spills over into other areas in our lives; hence, the ability I have to notice things or details that others might not.

Here's an interesting article I came across that supports this belief:

May 27, 2010
Mail Online

Gaydar really exists: Scientists prove gay people are more able to pick out fellow homosexuals.

Gay people really do have an inbuilt radar that helps them seek out like-minded souls, scientists have shown. This sixth sense, or 'gaydar', ensures they pay more attention to detail, allowing them to pluck potential partners out of a crowd.

The Dutch researchers looked at whether straight and gay people focus their attention differently when faced with a problem.

A total of 42 men and women were shown pictures of outlines of large squares and rectangles, each of which was packed with smaller shapes. Our brains are wired to take in the bigger picture, meaning that if we are shown a square filled with rectangles and asked what is inside, we can easily be fooled into saying 'squares'.

When the men and women were asked similar questions, the heterosexuals replied more quickly but were less accurate, the journal Frontiers in Cognition reports.

The homosexuals took longer but got more answers right, particularly when asked about the smaller shapes, suggesting they were able to see the small details as well as the bigger picture. Or they were able to see the trees as well as the wood.

In everyday life, this attention to detail could help them work out people's sexuality.

Researcher Dr Lorenza Colzato, of Leiden University in the Netherlands, said: 'This is the first time that scientific proof has been found for the existence of a gaydar mechanism amongst homosexuals. This perceptual skill allows homosexuals to recognise other gay people faster and we think it's because they are much more analytic than heterosexuals.'

Adopting such a perceptual style presumably increases the likelihood of detecting perceptual clues indicative of homosexual orientation, which facilitates finding like-minded social peers and potential friends and sex mates.

Most definitely food for thought, wouldn't you say?

Anyhow, even though this SSA/lust problem of mine has led to many, many problems, consequences, and addictions in my life, on the flip side it has also blessed my life in numerous ways.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Worn Down

As I write this I am soooo wanting to go down to the basement (here at work), lock myself in the private bathroom, and view some raunchy porn and masturbate. I am really, really trying to fight my  DP. He's wanting to take the wheel like no other and let me zone out for awhile.

But I'm fighting a good fight. I'm resisting! Here in a bit I'm going to leave work and go do something healthy (NOT cruise or any of that bullshit).

My resistance has been so weak lately. I feel like a stone that has had all the sharp edges worn down to smooth, rounded surfaces. That's what this addiction has done to me. >:( It seems that lately I only need one tiny thought or memory flash through my mind and I there's just nothing left inside of me to fight it or keep those thoughts at bay. I immediately turn it into a full-on jerk off/porn fest, which inevitably just gives me more mental fuel for my addict for the next time. Oy vey.

Or if I go out in public, it just takes that one person to cross my path until I'm lusting after him from stem to stern. Yesterday this happened at church of all places! I was going to my next meeting and I passed a guy who was leaning up against the wall. His shlong was totally pokey-outey in his dress slacks. I carried that stupid image around in my fucking head all day! It was a bitch to fight not taking that simple, stupid image into the restroom and taking care of business.

Just another fucking day in paradise. Blah.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Crash & Burn

Yep, just like the title says. I fell off the wagon pretty hard core. I acted out w/ a guy last week. It didn't go further than mutual masturbation, but he did jack me off for awhile - almost to the point of orgasm. I never touched his, however. But I did touch his legs, chest, arms, etc. Gag em. Writing about it now, it does seem pretty gay (e.g. touchy-feely shit).

Last Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were all bad days last week. I was in my disease pretty heavy. I surfed and responded to several Craigslist ads on Tuesday and Wednesday morning and Wednesday afternoon and night I blew off all my obligations and cruised the parks, bathrooms, Craigslist posts, etc. looking for some action. In the midst of it all I went home for dinner. Actually, only my physical self went home for dinner, b/c my mind was far from home. Later that night I told my wife I was leaving for my SA group like usual, but in reality I went back to the park to cruise some more. I finally found what I was looking for at about 10pm. We drove to an underpass and did our carnal deed together. Did I mention he scooped my cum up off my stomach and ate it? Um, yea, pretty trashy shit.

Then Thursday morning I was still jazzed up. I surfed some raunchy porn and masturbated 4 more times. I think I finally got it out of my system early afternoon and the fog started to lift. I actually ended up going to my Therapy group that night, which was nice, although I didn't feel like I should be there. I realize that's my DP telling me that, however. Group is the very best place I could and should be.

So since last Thursday, I haven't cruised or surfed Craigslist ads or acted out w/ anyone or done any of that shit thank the Lord. But I have surfed porn and masturbated pretty regularly. :( And I still haven't found the balls to tell my wife about last week's tête-à-tête w/ the dude. I know I will (have to) eventually. I just don't want to hurt her (again). It fucking sucks to be an addict.

On the bright side of things, I'm feeling much better these past few days. I'm hoping it sticks for awhile.

Monday, January 7, 2013

My Body is a Temple

I have to write about something that happened on Friday night that really freaked me out big time.

I've been doing really well w/ regards to my addiction and can still report 12/21/12 as my abstinance date. However, that almost changed last Friday. I was at home (w/ my family) and needed to run downstairs to grab something out of the office. I noticed that the blinds were open so I grabbed the blind rod/stick to twist to close the blinds. The blind rod broke off of the top section and dropped to the floor. As I picked up the blind rod to try and reattach it I had an evil, warm, provocative wave of temptation come over me. I grabbed a bottle of lotion and ran and locked myself in the bathroom and sounded myself w/ the blind rod. The blind rod is quite a bit larger in diameter than my pee hole and urethra so it did hurt/sting a bit when I was forcing it in (which actually gave me more of a sensuous, carnal, hedonistic rush). Man, I'm so fucked up. :(  Anyhow, I pushed the blind rod all the way down my shaft a few times (though I did not masturbate while doing it) and when I pulled it out I noticed it had a slight bloody tinge. No biggy. I've seen that before. I cleaned up and went back upstairs.

A few hours later I decided to take a tub. I honestly had NO INTENTION of doing anything when I got in, but I guess my brain was still simmering on dopamine. I was only in the tub for 5 minutes before that all-too-familiar wave started to come over me again and I sounded myself w/ a head massager wire prong. Felt great, but that wasn't enough, er, not erotic or big or kinky enough. So I grabbed my wife's beaded bracelet that I bought her on our honeymoon. I thought it would feel great b/c it's shaped kind of like anal beads and would fit perfectly down my shaft to give me a similar sensation. Any sentimentality was completely thrown out the window as I lubed the beads up and fed them all the way in. I began to slowly and gently masturbate as the beads were in but then, just as I have waves of eroticism and perversion come over me, I had a wave of "what the fuck am I doing? It's a new year and I'm NOT doing to fuck all of this up now and drag all this shit into the new year! Knock it off!"

So I slowly pulled the beaded bracelet out of my penis but here was a bunch of dark red blood that came out too. I about shit myself! I have NEVER seen that before. Gulp. I quickly showered off and then offered a prayer of repentence and forgiveness and asked for God to heal my penis (how sick and twisted does that sound)? As I urinated that night before bed I noticed there was a slight reddish tinge in my urine. Nothing too scary. I thought maybe my internal cut or scrape or whatever the hell was going on had healed itself.

The real scare came the next morning when I noticed I had bloody dark red blotches ALL OVER in my white garment bottoms and there was even some on the sheets! Sincerely, there were a dozen or more. I couldn't believe what I was seeing! You can only imagine the fear and anxiety I immediately felt, and am still feeling as I write this post. Thank goodness there have been no more blood spots in my underwear yesterday or today and no reddish tinges in my urine when I pee, but I do have a weird dull aching on the left side of my groin area.

I hope and pray that my urethra/penis will heal and that I can always remember the fear and shock and worry I have/am feeling so that I won't be disposed to do this (sound myself) again. I hope nothing really terrible happens, such as blood poisoning or kidney/bladder infection or something like that. Am I going to be able to slip thru the cracks again and come out clean as a whistle or am I going to have to pay? Of course my DP keeps telling me I deserve it for being such a wicked, fucked-up, kinky, deviant freak. We'll see how the week goes. Gulp.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

A New Year

A new year is upon us. So far (3 days into it) I'm doing well. I would really, REALLY like to leave some of this sex addiction shit behind me in 2012. 2012 was a bad year for my DP and I want to keep him far away and out of 2013.

Although I wanted to keep an abstinance date of 12/12/12, I unfortunately completely lost control on 12/21/12. I was home alone and escaped up to my bathroom to watch some of the most... (horrifying and extremely perveted in my sober mind, but wonderfully hot and dirty to my DP) I have ever stumbled upon. I was completely lost in a sea of dopamine to the extent I was out of touch w/ reality; in a gray zone. In addition to porn, I sounded myself w/ a blind rod until I bled a bit out of my pee hole. Um, so not good. But really hot at the time. And even now looking back. :P

Since that day, I have teeteered back and forth. Last year on New Years Eve (2011) I was together w/ my family celebrating the New Year. At 5 minutes to midnight, I went into the bathroom and quickly rubbed one out. One last time for the road, I justified to myself. I thought about doing the same thing this New Years Eve, but surprisingly, I did not. Yeah, me!

So anyway, as of today, Jan 03, I'm still abstinant, though I sure wish I could say I was sober too. I feel like if just the right person or situaton came along I would falter. Or if I let myself dwell on my nasty thoughts or memories just a titch too long I would completely stumble.

But for now, it's smooth sailing.
Here's to a great new year!