Thursday, January 17, 2013

Crash & Burn

Yep, just like the title says. I fell off the wagon pretty hard core. I acted out w/ a guy last week. It didn't go further than mutual masturbation, but he did jack me off for awhile - almost to the point of orgasm. I never touched his, however. But I did touch his legs, chest, arms, etc. Gag em. Writing about it now, it does seem pretty gay (e.g. touchy-feely shit).

Last Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were all bad days last week. I was in my disease pretty heavy. I surfed and responded to several Craigslist ads on Tuesday and Wednesday morning and Wednesday afternoon and night I blew off all my obligations and cruised the parks, bathrooms, Craigslist posts, etc. looking for some action. In the midst of it all I went home for dinner. Actually, only my physical self went home for dinner, b/c my mind was far from home. Later that night I told my wife I was leaving for my SA group like usual, but in reality I went back to the park to cruise some more. I finally found what I was looking for at about 10pm. We drove to an underpass and did our carnal deed together. Did I mention he scooped my cum up off my stomach and ate it? Um, yea, pretty trashy shit.

Then Thursday morning I was still jazzed up. I surfed some raunchy porn and masturbated 4 more times. I think I finally got it out of my system early afternoon and the fog started to lift. I actually ended up going to my Therapy group that night, which was nice, although I didn't feel like I should be there. I realize that's my DP telling me that, however. Group is the very best place I could and should be.

So since last Thursday, I haven't cruised or surfed Craigslist ads or acted out w/ anyone or done any of that shit thank the Lord. But I have surfed porn and masturbated pretty regularly. :( And I still haven't found the balls to tell my wife about last week's tête-à-tête w/ the dude. I know I will (have to) eventually. I just don't want to hurt her (again). It fucking sucks to be an addict.

On the bright side of things, I'm feeling much better these past few days. I'm hoping it sticks for awhile.

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