I have to write about something that happened on Friday night that really freaked me out big time.
I've been doing really well w/ regards to my addiction and can still report 12/21/12 as my abstinance date. However, that almost changed last Friday. I was at home (w/ my family) and needed to run downstairs to grab something out of the office. I noticed that the blinds were open so I grabbed the blind rod/stick to twist to close the blinds. The blind rod broke off of the top section and dropped to the floor. As I picked up the blind rod to try and reattach it I had an evil, warm, provocative wave of temptation come over me. I grabbed a bottle of lotion and ran and locked myself in the bathroom and sounded myself w/ the blind rod. The blind rod is quite a bit larger in diameter than my pee hole and urethra so it did hurt/sting a bit when I was forcing it in (which actually gave me more of a sensuous, carnal, hedonistic rush). Man, I'm so fucked up. :( Anyhow, I pushed the blind rod all the way down my shaft a few times (though I did not masturbate while doing it) and when I pulled it out I noticed it had a slight bloody tinge. No biggy. I've seen that before. I cleaned up and went back upstairs.
A few hours later I decided to take a tub. I honestly had NO INTENTION of doing anything when I got in, but I guess my brain was still simmering on dopamine. I was only in the tub for 5 minutes before that all-too-familiar wave started to come over me again and I sounded myself w/ a head massager wire prong. Felt great, but that wasn't enough, er, not erotic or big or kinky enough. So I grabbed my wife's beaded bracelet that I bought her on our honeymoon. I thought it would feel great b/c it's shaped kind of like anal beads and would fit perfectly down my shaft to give me a similar sensation. Any sentimentality was completely thrown out the window as I lubed the beads up and fed them all the way in. I began to slowly and gently masturbate as the beads were in but then, just as I have waves of eroticism and perversion come over me, I had a wave of "what the fuck am I doing? It's a new year and I'm NOT doing to fuck all of this up now and drag all this shit into the new year! Knock it off!"
So I slowly pulled the beaded bracelet out of my penis but here was a bunch of dark red blood that came out too. I about shit myself! I have NEVER seen that before. Gulp. I quickly showered off and then offered a prayer of repentence and forgiveness and asked for God to heal my penis (how sick and twisted does that sound)? As I urinated that night before bed I noticed there was a slight reddish tinge in my urine. Nothing too scary. I thought maybe my internal cut or scrape or whatever the hell was going on had healed itself.
The real scare came the next morning when I noticed I had bloody dark red blotches ALL OVER in my white garment bottoms and there was even some on the sheets! Sincerely, there were a dozen or more. I couldn't believe what I was seeing! You can only imagine the fear and anxiety I immediately felt, and am still feeling as I write this post. Thank goodness there have been no more blood spots in my underwear yesterday or today and no reddish tinges in my urine when I pee, but I do have a weird dull aching on the left side of my groin area.
I hope and pray that my urethra/penis will heal and that I can always remember the fear and shock and worry I have/am feeling so that I won't be disposed to do this (sound myself) again. I hope nothing really terrible happens, such as blood poisoning or kidney/bladder infection or something like that. Am I going to be able to slip thru the cracks again and come out clean as a whistle or am I going to have to pay? Of course my DP keeps telling me I deserve it for being such a wicked, fucked-up, kinky, deviant freak. We'll see how the week goes. Gulp.