As I write this I am soooo wanting to go down to the basement (here at work), lock myself in the private bathroom, and view some raunchy porn and masturbate. I am really, really trying to fight my DP. He's wanting to take the wheel like no other and let me zone out for awhile.
But I'm fighting a good fight. I'm resisting! Here in a bit I'm going to leave work and go do something healthy (NOT cruise or any of that bullshit).
My resistance has been so weak lately. I feel like a stone that has had all the sharp edges worn down to smooth, rounded surfaces. That's what this addiction has done to me. >:( It seems that lately I only need one tiny thought or memory flash through my mind and I there's just nothing left inside of me to fight it or keep those thoughts at bay. I immediately turn it into a full-on jerk off/porn fest, which inevitably just gives me more mental fuel for my addict for the next time. Oy vey.
Or if I go out in public, it just takes that one person to cross my path until I'm lusting after him from stem to stern. Yesterday this happened at church of all places! I was going to my next meeting and I passed a guy who was leaning up against the wall. His shlong was totally pokey-outey in his dress slacks. I carried that stupid image around in my fucking head all day! It was a bitch to fight not taking that simple, stupid image into the restroom and taking care of business.
Just another fucking day in paradise. Blah.