I'm over a week abstinent today. That's pretty good for me, especially w/ regards to how out of control I've been lately. My dark passenger has been on the war path.
I have set up some safe guards and blocks (e.g. K9 web browswer on my iPhone, block on my work computer so I can't surf Craigslist while at work, my wife taking the ethernet cable w/ her when I'm left at home alone, etc) and boy oh boy my DP is pissed as hell.
I had a one-on-one w/ my therapist on Monday and we put together a PCI (personal craziness index) list to help me amp up my program and to not be so fucking weeshy.
A) 20 mins of working in a recovery book every day. This includes reading, writing, and/or sharing.
B) 1 meaningful phone call to a friend in recovery.
C) Practicing rigorous honesty in all my aspects of my life.
D) A daily check-in with my wife. Discussing needs, feelings, etc.
I can tell I've been having serious withdrawls: lethargy, body aches, constant headache (I never get headaches), instant boner when I hug a guy or have any sort of close, intimate touch, homo-erotic dreams - pretty intense ones at that, strong memories, urges, and desires, yada yada.
But no matter these fucking withdrawls.
I WANT ABSTINENCE!
I WANT SOBRIETY!
I WANT TO BE FULLY ENGAGED IN MY RECOVERY!
I WANT CLARITY OF MIND!
I WANT PURITY & CLEANINESS & WORTHINESS!
I WANT TO EXPERIENCE MINDFUL LIVING!
I WANT PEACE!