Thursday, March 28, 2013

Missionary Service

As one looks back on their life, you would think that the time one spends serving as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints would be the happiest of their life. A mission should be a time of joy, of peace, of service, of blessings, of growth. It is the time in a person's life that they are (or can be) closer than ever before or after to the Holy Ghost and to all things heavenly. That is, unless of course, you have a dark passenger serving in the missionfield alongside you. At first, my DP remained quiet and idle and patiently waited for the day he could take command of the wheel again.

This is what I've decided to write about today: I want to bring to light all of the horrendous, most evil things I did while serving as a representative of the Lord for His Church, doing his work on the earth. It truly is sickening.

  • I began masturbating shortly after arriving at the MTC. I would regularly do it in the restroom stalls. I think I even did it once while showering alone at one of the "trees of life." Totally risky!
  • The very first night after arriving to my mission from the MTC, I stayed at the Mission President's house. There were 3 sets of bunkbeds in the basement. I wasn't used to the humidity of the area and subsequently took all my garments off and slept completely buck naked that first night.
  • The 2nd guy I baptized was gay. My companion must have not known or didn't care and just wanted the number. Every time we went to his house to teach him the discussions I wasn't even mentally present b/c he and I were constantly looking at each other. I think the only reason he even got baptized was to impress me or to keep me coming back to teach him.
  • My companion had a toothbrush holder that was shaped like a dildo. I would do myself all the time w/ it, wash it, and then put it back so he'd never suspect. Yes, I know. That's fucked up.
  • I remember coming across some gay porn magazines in a trash can and quickly flipping through them.
  • I would wrestle w/ my companions and try to grab their junk.
  • One day while I was on splits, I went back to the apartment of the member guy I was with. He wanted me to play the piano while he sang some hymns. He came up behind me and ever-so-gently and casually pressed his (erect) penis into my shoulder blades. I pretended like I didn't feel it. This is when my pent-up lust and feelings unleashed w/ a vengeance. This was approx. 9 months into my mission.
  • Several months after that first experience w/ the member guy and after I was completely acting out on every lust-driven desire I had on a regular basis, this self-same member and myself had sex. I think it was just oral. I don't remember anything anal happening w/ him.
  • There was a single guy living in the apartment beneath ours. He would leave his front door unlocked. A few times I snuck into his apartment, found a VHS tape w/ porn, and would watch it and beat off. I think I was caught doing this (I'm still not sure to this day if I was or by whom) but this is the trigger that set everything into motion for me being sent home.
  • I remember sneaking out to the porch while my comp was in the shower and smoking cigarettes.
  • We tracted into an apt. of 3 gay guys (two were a couple and the other guy was single). While visiting I was immensely triggered and turned on by the dude I was talking to. I knew he wanted to it. That very night after everyone was asleep I snuck out of my apt, walked the distance to the gay guys' apt, knocked and was let in. It turns out the one my comp and I had talked to earlier that afternoon was one of the guys in the relationship and he was gone for the night. The guy that answered the door and let me in was the single guy. We talked for a while and ended up having oral sex on the floor. This was the first time I acted out w/ another guy since before my mission and was also the first of many more to come.
  • I would regularly cruise the train/subway station bathrooms and masturbated w/ many different strangers on many different occasions.
  • I remember engaging in oral sex in one of the restroom stalls of the train station w/ a stranger.
  • One day while my comp and I were walking down the street the guy coming toward us gave me the gaydar eye as we passed. This guy was Brazilian and oh-so hot. I told my comp to hold on and I ran back to the guy and got his phone number and address. When I went back to my comp he asked who that was and I lied and told him it was someone I used to teach in my old area. I eventually snuck out at night and went to this guy's apt. and he and I had anal sex. The next time I snuck out and went to his apt. I did him. He is also the last guy I ever had anal sex w/ to this day (11 years later).
  • A member family w/ whom we spent a lot of time with had a gay son. He and I made out in the hallway outside his apartment on several occasions and grabbed each other's packages.
  • Another member boy and I once met up (after I had snuck out of my apt of course) and we rented a hotel room and had sex. I did him, or at least tried to; he said it hurt him. But we got freaky w/ one another w/ some strawberries and whipped cream and ended things orally.
  • I remember sneaking out and taking the car and driving/cruising around looking for hook ups at night. I went to a gay bar and had some beers. I got pulled over for speeding on my way back to my apt. in the middle of the night. I was terrified that the gig was up and that I would be found out. But I somehow cleverly paid my speeding ticket and no one was the wiser.
  • I also went to the movies, snuck out of my mission boundaries (twice)! to go sight-see, and was just a terrible, disobedient son-of-a-bitch.
This is the shit I carry around in my head. This is the shit I will always and forever carry around in my head. Even if Heavenly Father and Christ someday decide to forgive me for making a complete mockery out of everything that is holy and sacred, I will always feel an immense amount of shame, embarrassment, and sadness for the things I did while serving as a missionary for the church. Truly, of all the shitty and terrible things I have done in my lifetime, the things I did while serving as a missionary for the church are the ones that cut the deepest and hurt the most. :(

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

1 Year Later

Today is the 1 year anniversary of starting my blog and man, o man, it's been a ride. As I look back over the past year I ask myself how I'm doing compared w/ where I was 1 year ago. Am I better off, worse off, or have I remained stagnant? I have made some huge strides in regards to my personal awareness and understanding, but aside from that I would have to say I'm in pretty much the same spot as I was; and in some cases, I'm worse off. :( That's terrible. I wish I could report a year of growth and abstinence and sobriety. But I can't. I'm still caught in the spin cycle.

But I can't let myself dwell on that fact too long or I'll really start feeling shitty.

On the bright side, I haven't thrown in the towel or said all is lost. I'm continuing the fight and the uphill climb. Maybe this year will spark a change or a fire within. Maybe this will be the year that I finally understand where all this shit comes from and what void or hole am I trying to fill?

"If you can't fly, then run; if you can't run then walk; if you can't walk then crawl!
But whatever you do you have to keep MOVING FORWARD!"

Thursday, March 21, 2013

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round

Relapsed yesterday. Didn't act out w/ anyone else, just myself. The big M and porn and sounding. I just couldn't take it anymore. The temptation and craving and desire was too much for me to bear. I can't believe how hard the past 30 days have been. This addiction (and recovery) is a bitch. It sucks to be so fucked up.

So, I'm back to step one.
Don't worry... I'm not giving up the fight. The question to ask is will this time be different? Only I can answer that one and I don't have a fucking clue. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I found this poem on an addiction recovery website. I liked it b/c it echoes how I'm feeling in my head today:

I've destroyed [or am destroying] everything that was good in my life.
I've broken each vow that I made.
I've disgraced my children, my friends, and my wife
For this mindless, relentless charade.

Think of the worst person you've ever known,
And I'll wager he's better than me.
Hell is a place I would hate to call home,
And yet it's where I ought to be.

As a youth, I was favored, a virgin to sin,
A light to the wavering soul.
My thoughts were perverted and wrong now and then,
But I kept them in constant control.

In bad times, they'd soothe me and take me away
Like a heroin dose to my brain.
I'd yield to their lure more and more everyday,
And my heart grew more selfish and vain.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

By a Hair's Breadth

I am a poster child for the scripture "no man can serve two masters". But it's not money and God I am serving and loving, it is righteousness and the devil and all things dark, carnal and lustful. This dichotomy causes a constant battle to occur between my right, sane mind and my dark passenger. It is aging me and rapidly killing me: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. It is making me slowly lose my grip on reality, yet the terrifying part is there is no end in sight to this battle! And don't fucking feed me that bullshit 'hang in there, it gets easier...' I'm so tired of hearing that. Will it get easier? Will I make it through? Will I ever know peace in this life? In the end, Who will win this constant war in my head? Which reel am I going to play and see through to the end?

It truly amazes me that I know and realize I have everything a person could want, but would cast it all before swine for some dirty, cheap, fleeting pleasure. How astounding it is that sex can create and destroy families. It is the very power of God, but one of the strongest tools of the devil. Why is it such a powerful thing? Why is it so difficult for men to control these urges and instincts?

For me, temptation is everywhere! It is the guy in the car next to me. It is the guy standing in front of me at the convenience store. It's the men at church, at the grocery store, at work, in my neighborhood, etc. etc. etc. They are not priesthood leaders, or fathers, or friends, or mother's sons, or even Sons of God. To me they are simply objects to unleash my lust on, to fantasize about, to use and abuse and tease and taunt and toy and fuck every which way but Sunday in my mind's eye. But again, here's another piece of irony: even if I were to gouge out my fucking eyeballs and saw my cock off, it still wouldn't matter. I would still want it and my dark passenger would devise other ways to get what he wants. He has almost consumed my soul; yet peculiarly enough, somewhere deep down in side, I am still fighting this battle.

Yesterday was really tough. Had I been allowed to simply beat off and get some of that dopamine out of my head, perhaps it would have helped. But I made a commitment to myself, my Sponsor, and my group that I would not masturbate; so I didn't. But oh, how I wanted to have a release! And to make matters worse, temptation was everywhere! I was a dog in heat. I made call after call to guys in my group to try and find some stable ground and get out of my fucking head, but that lust was like a lake of lava bubbling under the surface. Nothing could alleviate it. In a moment of weakness, I decided to email a guy I had previously contacted and asked if he wanted to hook up. He said sure. After that, we engaged in terribly raunchy talk back and forth all evening discussing all the perveted and vile things we were going to do to one another. He gave me his address and we agreed on a time I would come over. I lied to my wife and told her I was going to a friend's house to watch a movie. The stage was set! Everything was aligning for me to release the deluge. I was so jazzed up! Nothing was going to stop me this time. And it was all straight out of my fantasy - he had dildos, and sounding toys, and everything I could possibly want to numb out and let the darkness wash over me.

Then, just as I was about to leave my house to head over to his, I stopped and looked at my wife and told her, "I'm not going to XXX's house tonight to watch a movie. I've been lying to you. I was actually going to have a hook up tonight." After my confession, my wife and I talked about everything in length and I told her I just don't know what to do. I know this life I crave and fantasize about won't lead to happiness. I know and realize it will only eventually end in despair and heartache and for me, death. I know if I give in I will wish throughout eternity I had lived differently (as it states in my patriarchal blessing). I'm so quick to cast my pearls before swine! But the desire and the craving and the curiosity and lust for carnal sins of the flesh is almost too much for me to endure. My sanity is crumbling like the walls of an old building. Yes, yesterday's battle did end (by a hair's breadth) w/ me having a small, yet significant victory over my DP. My wife told me I have it in me to conquer my dark passenger and take full control, but sometimes I I? Who WILL win in the end..him or me? And I'm so exhausted and scared, b/c I know this battle will continue to wage on in my mind not just today, not just through next week, or next month, or the next 5 years, but forever. Will I ever have peace?

Friday, March 15, 2013

Speak the Truth and Shame the Devil

I know I labeled my blog "Silently Struggling" and maybe at the time (last March) when I first created this blog I did feel like I was in the struggle alone. However, I have to say I really don't feel like that anymore and regard the name of this blog pretty irrelevant for my current station in life. I have made some super great friendships and met some awesome men who accept me and care about me despite my dumb-fuckery and my horrendous addictions and actions. They are readers on this blog (you know who you are) but they see and know me for ME and understand that addictions can take many forms and shapes. True, my addiction has taken me down some pretty raunchy paths which I've painstakingly discussed in various posts over the past year, but the more knowledgeable and self-aware I get and the more clouds that disspate over and inside my head, the more grip I get on reality and who and what I'm all about.

Now, would I stand up on the roof-tops and shout that I am the owner of this blog and that I am the dark passenger? Um, no. I don't think I'm there yet nor do I know if I ever will be. I don't need the general public using my life and the information I've shared to destroy me or hurt me further. People can be real assholes. However, if a person genuiunely asks me about some of the problems I face or where I've been or what I'm working on, I would be straight-up and candid w/ them and tell them straight up what I'm all about. I would tell them I'm an addict that deals w/ same-sex lust. I would tell them I am an active member of the LDS church, that I know and love and believe to be the true Church. I would tell them I am a married man w/ 4 children and that my wife knows everything and we have a great relationship and I have no secrets from her. I would tell them I am currently attending 12 step meetings, group therapy, and one on one counseling sessions. I would tell them I have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of.

Granted, I am slightly twisted in the mind and have made some pretty awful mistakes in the past and even still in my present. However, I've come a long way! I could have just said 'fuck this shit' and blown my life, my wife, my children, my church, everthing I have and hold dear and turned to the darkside. But I don't want that.

I love this quote I read on facebook the other day:

"How can we move on to the next chapter of our lives or see how the story ends if we keep re-reading the last chapter?"

So great and so, so true!
I want all of you to know I appreciate you being there for me and supporting me and helping me through this past year. This recovery shit is a long process but I'm healing, slowly but surely. And I'm finally getting [ever-so-slightly] comfortable in my own skin and accepting of myself.

"Everything will line up perfectly when knowing and living the truth becomes more important then proving anything to anyone." - Alan Cohen

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Attention Whore

I laugh at how much some of my behaviors and thoughts echo those of silly, teenage girls when it comes to seeking and getting attention from men. Case in point: there is a macho, attractive guy that just started coming to my groups. He's the type that really intimidates me b/c of his total butchness aka manliness HAHA. When I'm around him, I feel nervous and skittish and insecure. But then last week this guy opened up to group and poured out his heart and soul and got really emotional. My heart completely melted and I wanted to give him a strong hug and tell him I'm so sorry that he has felt so alone and has suffered so much. If only I had known him WHEN; I could have been a good friend to him.

The next day I decided to shoot him a text and wish him well and to have a good day. I was surprised when he immediately texted me back and obviously wanted to engage in conversation w/ me. Holy shit! Here's this guy that in my mind is the epitome of masculinity and he is showing ME attention. We ended up texting back and forth for quite awhile that morning.

The next day, I received a text from HIM out of the blue (that almost NEVER happens) and it totally lifted my heart and spirits. I told him his text really made my day. :) We again texted back and forth and even some more over the next few days.

This is the point when I have to tell myself to just settle down, chill out and relax a little bit. The teenage girl inside of me wants to totally glom on to this guy and text or call all the fuckin' day long. Or get together for lunch or to hang out. Everything else could go by the wayside as long as he's showing me attention. I find myself thinking about him at random times throughout the day and wondering if I'm going to hear from him again or how long I should wait until I text him again or if I should ask him to lunch. Totally gay bullshit. It's like these guys give me the least bit of attention and I'm all over them like mustard on a tire at a county fair.

Along w/ these bizarre needs for attention comes bitterness and jealousy and resentment and begrudging if I feel like I'm getting the brush off or not getting an adequate amount of attention in my mind; but I don't even know how much I need - what's just enough or not enough? It's all a delicate game of balance. I have to tip-toe carefully in these new-found straight male relationships for all the reasons listed above as well as I don't want to give them the 'wrong idea' and chase them away from me b/c they think I'm into them. Ahhhh!

Yet what's strange is these needy feelings only happen w/ guys I'm attracted to. Other guys might take an interest in me for friendship or what not and reach out to me, but to be honest I just want to keep my distance from them. The attention and friendship thing isn't even an issue; it's actually the farthest thing from my mind w/ them. They could move away and never talk to me again and I couldn't care less. It's almost as if friendship and all that has to be on MY terms. I decide who, when, how much, etc. How shallow and shitty is that?

So there it is. I simply MUST learn to love myself for WHO I AM and not determine or gauge my self-worth or how I rate as a male human being by how much attention I get from other guys. I wish so bad I could just be confident and strong and say, 'despite all the good or bad I've done in my life or how fucked up I may be, I actually like ME and I'm ok w/ ME. Love me or leave me...and my whole world and existence doesn't hinge on whether or not you like me and think I'm ok. B/c I think I am ok and I have a lot of people in my life who love me for who I am and think I'm ok too.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Perpetual Grouchiness

What the hell is wrong w/ me lately? It seems like every day I'm in a bad, sour mood. I'm constantly irritable, and rageful, and on edge. Are these addiction withdrawal symptoms or WTF?

Today marks 3 weeks of abstinance for me and I have to admit it's been rough. But I'm really trying to do things differently this time. One of the things I've been trying really hard at is getting out of my fucking head! Too often when I'm sad, or overwhelmed, or angry I stay in my head and bury my feelings alive. That usually results in me acting out w/ myself and using my 'old reliables' to numb or escape my feelings. But not this time. Lately when I'm feeling that way, I've been picking up the phone and calling one of the guys in recovery and having a mindful conversation w/ them.

Sometimes I'm selfish, especially on my drive home from work. I want to just sit and listen to the radio and numb out. But I've come to realize I can't. It's too risky. So I'll make a call instead. And you know what? I feel better afterwards. Having good, healthy, close relationships w/ other guys in recovery is one of my life savers. I'm really grateful to have found them.

My wife told me I needed to get back on my meds (Prozac) or at least something to take the edge off. But I know that's not going to help. That's like trying to mend a broken pipe w/ duct tape. It may hold for a bit and fix the problem momentarily, but not in the long run. I need to replace the whole fucking pipe! And the way I do that is through working my program, attending my weekly meetings, practicing rigorous honesty, working w/ my sponsor, etc. I do hope my grouchiness as of late is just the result of my addiction withdrawal and that it will get easier as time goes by and the closer we get to spring and warmer weather.

I just need to settle down, breathe, keep calm and carry on and cheer up.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Just Look Away

Last night my wife and I were watching a documentary called "Hidden Inside America: Mormons" on the Destination America channel. Even though these documentaries tend to sometimes make us (us, meaning Mormons) out to be weirdos, I felt such a sense of pride and warmth and security as I watched it. :) I am so grateful to be a member of this church and do have a strong testimony of the truthfulness of it, despite being the 'peculiar people' we are.

The documentary covered everything from soup to nuts. Then, out of the blue, the program began discussing Chad Hardy's "Men on a Mission" calendar. Where the hell did that come from? Now, the DP side of me would love to have continued watching and ogling and secretly lusting and soaking all of that shit in, but as soon as that part of the program began I immediately jumped up and told my wife I was headed to bed and away I went w/o looking back.

At first, as I was brushing my teeth, I felt kind of embarrassed of what had happened and was letting myself sink into self-shame and my familiar insecurities, but then a feeling of contentment and peace washed over me and I was so thankful I did what I did and make the choice to walk out of the room. I thought it showed a great sense of strength and a personal desire to make good choices on my part. Plus, in the end, I didn't have those carnal images floating around in my brain.

What a small, yet extremely satisfying victory I had over the weekend. :)

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Unmet Needs

Addiction is the result of un-met needs and I'm well aware of where my same-sex lust addiction springs from: un-met needs from other males whilst growing up. Because of all the rejection and unacceptance and unenvolvement w/ other guys in my developmental years, I now have a serious need for acceptance and bonding and interaction w/ men. But for whatever reason, my brain tells me I need to get all of this physically and/or sexually.

I do have quite a number of good, close male friendships and regularly engage in bonding activities w/ them (lunch, movie nights, game nights, etc.), but even after all that, some days I find myself still struggling w/ that desperate need for male touch.

Yesterday was a tough day. For whatever reason I was really jonesing for some (healthy?) male touch: a long, tight embrace, or simply sitting next to each other or SOMETHING. But I didn't get it. Thus, as a result of not getting my needs fulfilled, late last night I was really tempted to start surfing Craigslist ads or to swing by the gay park in town and see if there would be a dude interested in just letting me have some close, non-sexual touch w/ him e.g. laying together and hugging, smelling his cologne on his neck, feeling the stubble of his 5 'o-clock shadow and his chest and legs, etc. Good lord, that sounds so unbelieveably gay! HAHA Yet I know, it would have inevitably ended in a mutual jerk-off session. Doesn't it always? In the end, I stayed strong and didn't go. Kudos for me, right? I really tried hard to tell myself I am loved and accepted by my male friends and I don't need to go and have some gay stroke or touchy-feely fest in order to feel like I am ok.

What the fuck is wrong w/ me? How and when will my brain ever heal? When will I finally feel that sense of acceptance and involvement w/ other dudes and not have that need to compensate in unhealthy ways?

Monday, March 4, 2013

The Light and Darkness Within

I read this quote last night on Facebook and it totally resonated w/ me:

"We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." - J.K. Rowling

Friday, March 1, 2013

THE Big Secret

I titled this latest BLOG post "THE secret" b/c it is the ONE SECRET I've been harboring for years and years and the one secret I keep most protected and locked away inside.

This is my secret: I am sexually and physically attracted to men, not women.

What's interesting is my wife knows my secret, as well as my close friends, group members, Church leaders, etc. But my secret is the big elephant in the room. We all see the elephant and reference it and know he's there, but we don't call it by name or say "there is a pink elephant in the room and it is this" nor do we really see how big it truly is.

For me, to finally come out and recognize that pink elephant for what it is, is one of the biggest fears I have live. I'm scared of the irreparable damage it will cause to my life, my marriage my relationships and to myself. Yet, would it be? That elephant is comprised of so much self-disgust and fear and embarrassment and toxic shame. It is a big conglomeration of all those times I have been rejected and made fun of and hated and bullied and hurt. It is my self-loathing and and self-disgust and self-hatred. It is "faggot" and "fem" and "cocksucker" and "fairy" all rolled up into one. I fear when I am finally able to let go and 'come out' w/ my secret and shine some light on it and recognize it for what is, then I will also begin to identify myself as that limp-wristed, faggot I always knew I was yet refused to believe. 

My story is a little strange in the fact all through my teens and even during my promiscuous years when I was having full-on gay sex I never did consider myself "gay." I think I've written about that before. Although I was a boy having sex w/ boys I didn't put two and two together and say, "well then, that means I must be GAY." My sexual escapades were always very naive and inconsiderate. And you know what? Today, as a 33 year old man I still don't classify myself as a "gay man" nor do I identify w/ the gays in society or the gay lifestyle. I do not believe sexuality is as cut and dried or black and white as people like to think and believe it is. I personally believe sexuality could best be described as a scale comprised of many shades and degrees. And this scale can change and shift over time due to different circumstances or experiences or other people.

I do, however, identity myself as a sex addict w/ same sex lust. I'm physically attracted and turned on by men, not women. What's hard for me and the true key to my secret is admitting to myself, wife, and others is I do NOT have any sexual attractions for all. I do not lust after, or fantasize about, or get turned on by a woman's body. Given the opportunity to fuck an Abercrombie model or a Victoria Secret model, hands down it would be the Abercrombie dude. But that is where it ends. It doesn't move past the lust and the attraction and the fucking. Would I want to eventually move in w/ this Abercrombie guy and start a life together and get joint checking accounts and attend Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners at our family's houses together? Uh, no. I'm happy I don't feel that way, but it also makes things so much more confusing.

Perhaps my wife already knows my secret; the REAL secret. After 10 years of marriage, you would think she would realize I don't give a hoot about women. Yet what's bizarre is my wife and I have a very healthy, sexual marriage. I grab her boobs and I get a hard on. I love performing oral sex on my wife. I love when we passionately kiss during sex. I love doing her and listening to myself moving in and out and enjoy having sex w/ her (a woman). Never do I fantasize I'm acting out w/ a guy whilst we are having sex. Never do I imagine I'm eating out a guy instead of her when I'm doing so. And my wife and I have a great relationship! We've deduced that perhaps many couples have such problems in their marriage (especially sex addicts) b/c their relationships are so heavily driven by physical attraction and lust. My wife and I aren't like that. I love my wife and I think she's beautiful. I look at past pictures of us together and I truly think she is a beautiful person - inside and out. I think this has been key to our successful marriage and relationship. I guess if I'm not sexually attracted to other women but AM sexually attracted and compatible w/ her (my wife), then it must be ok.

But I fear what would happen if I finally came out and said, "Darling, you know I'm not attracted to women, right? You know I love you and think that you're beautiful, but when it comes to other women, you know they don't do it for me in the sex department, right? You know when we watch a sex/love scene in a movie or 'Dancing w/ the Stars' or a ballet I'm actually looking at and lusting and getting turned on by the dudes, right? You know when I see guys in their underwear, or wrestling pictures in the newspaper, or simple advertisements on the fucking TV featuring hot guys, you know my mind is racing, right?"

Shit. Why does it have to be so fucking complicated?

So, that's my secret. Who knows how long (if ever) it'll take me to grow the balls to actually TELL my wife out loud that I'm into dudes sexually and that my arousal template lies w/ men, not women. Do I need to? Is it a vital step in my road to sexual addiction recovery and a key piece to finding my inner peace and harmony?