Thursday, March 14, 2013

Attention Whore

I laugh at how much some of my behaviors and thoughts echo those of silly, teenage girls when it comes to seeking and getting attention from men. Case in point: there is a macho, attractive guy that just started coming to my groups. He's the type that really intimidates me b/c of his total butchness aka manliness HAHA. When I'm around him, I feel nervous and skittish and insecure. But then last week this guy opened up to group and poured out his heart and soul and got really emotional. My heart completely melted and I wanted to give him a strong hug and tell him I'm so sorry that he has felt so alone and has suffered so much. If only I had known him WHEN; I could have been a good friend to him.

The next day I decided to shoot him a text and wish him well and to have a good day. I was surprised when he immediately texted me back and obviously wanted to engage in conversation w/ me. Holy shit! Here's this guy that in my mind is the epitome of masculinity and he is showing ME attention. We ended up texting back and forth for quite awhile that morning.

The next day, I received a text from HIM out of the blue (that almost NEVER happens) and it totally lifted my heart and spirits. I told him his text really made my day. :) We again texted back and forth and even some more over the next few days.

This is the point when I have to tell myself to just settle down, chill out and relax a little bit. The teenage girl inside of me wants to totally glom on to this guy and text or call all the fuckin' day long. Or get together for lunch or to hang out. Everything else could go by the wayside as long as he's showing me attention. I find myself thinking about him at random times throughout the day and wondering if I'm going to hear from him again or how long I should wait until I text him again or if I should ask him to lunch. Totally gay bullshit. It's like these guys give me the least bit of attention and I'm all over them like mustard on a tire at a county fair.

Along w/ these bizarre needs for attention comes bitterness and jealousy and resentment and begrudging if I feel like I'm getting the brush off or not getting an adequate amount of attention in my mind; but I don't even know how much I need - what's just enough or not enough? It's all a delicate game of balance. I have to tip-toe carefully in these new-found straight male relationships for all the reasons listed above as well as I don't want to give them the 'wrong idea' and chase them away from me b/c they think I'm into them. Ahhhh!

Yet what's strange is these needy feelings only happen w/ guys I'm attracted to. Other guys might take an interest in me for friendship or what not and reach out to me, but to be honest I just want to keep my distance from them. The attention and friendship thing isn't even an issue; it's actually the farthest thing from my mind w/ them. They could move away and never talk to me again and I couldn't care less. It's almost as if friendship and all that has to be on MY terms. I decide who, when, how much, etc. How shallow and shitty is that?

So there it is. I simply MUST learn to love myself for WHO I AM and not determine or gauge my self-worth or how I rate as a male human being by how much attention I get from other guys. I wish so bad I could just be confident and strong and say, 'despite all the good or bad I've done in my life or how fucked up I may be, I actually like ME and I'm ok w/ ME. Love me or leave me...and my whole world and existence doesn't hinge on whether or not you like me and think I'm ok. B/c I think I am ok and I have a lot of people in my life who love me for who I am and think I'm ok too.

No comments:

Post a Comment