Tuesday, March 19, 2013

By a Hair's Breadth

I am a poster child for the scripture "no man can serve two masters". But it's not money and God I am serving and loving, it is righteousness and the devil and all things dark, carnal and lustful. This dichotomy causes a constant battle to occur between my right, sane mind and my dark passenger. It is aging me and rapidly killing me: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. It is making me slowly lose my grip on reality, yet the terrifying part is there is no end in sight to this battle! And don't fucking feed me that bullshit 'hang in there, it gets easier...' I'm so tired of hearing that. Will it get easier? Will I make it through? Will I ever know peace in this life? In the end, Who will win this constant war in my head? Which reel am I going to play and see through to the end?

It truly amazes me that I know and realize I have everything a person could want, but would cast it all before swine for some dirty, cheap, fleeting pleasure. How astounding it is that sex can create and destroy families. It is the very power of God, but one of the strongest tools of the devil. Why is it such a powerful thing? Why is it so difficult for men to control these urges and instincts?

For me, temptation is everywhere! It is the guy in the car next to me. It is the guy standing in front of me at the convenience store. It's the men at church, at the grocery store, at work, in my neighborhood, etc. etc. etc. They are not priesthood leaders, or fathers, or friends, or mother's sons, or even Sons of God. To me they are simply objects to unleash my lust on, to fantasize about, to use and abuse and tease and taunt and toy and fuck every which way but Sunday in my mind's eye. But again, here's another piece of irony: even if I were to gouge out my fucking eyeballs and saw my cock off, it still wouldn't matter. I would still want it and my dark passenger would devise other ways to get what he wants. He has almost consumed my soul; yet peculiarly enough, somewhere deep down in side, I am still fighting this battle.

Yesterday was really tough. Had I been allowed to simply beat off and get some of that dopamine out of my head, perhaps it would have helped. But I made a commitment to myself, my Sponsor, and my group that I would not masturbate; so I didn't. But oh, how I wanted to have a release! And to make matters worse, temptation was everywhere! I was a dog in heat. I made call after call to guys in my group to try and find some stable ground and get out of my fucking head, but that lust was like a lake of lava bubbling under the surface. Nothing could alleviate it. In a moment of weakness, I decided to email a guy I had previously contacted and asked if he wanted to hook up. He said sure. After that, we engaged in terribly raunchy talk back and forth all evening discussing all the perveted and vile things we were going to do to one another. He gave me his address and we agreed on a time I would come over. I lied to my wife and told her I was going to a friend's house to watch a movie. The stage was set! Everything was aligning for me to release the deluge. I was so jazzed up! Nothing was going to stop me this time. And it was all straight out of my fantasy - he had dildos, and sounding toys, and everything I could possibly want to numb out and let the darkness wash over me.

Then, just as I was about to leave my house to head over to his, I stopped and looked at my wife and told her, "I'm not going to XXX's house tonight to watch a movie. I've been lying to you. I was actually going to have a hook up tonight." After my confession, my wife and I talked about everything in length and I told her I just don't know what to do. I know this life I crave and fantasize about won't lead to happiness. I know and realize it will only eventually end in despair and heartache and for me, death. I know if I give in I will wish throughout eternity I had lived differently (as it states in my patriarchal blessing). I'm so quick to cast my pearls before swine! But the desire and the craving and the curiosity and lust for carnal sins of the flesh is almost too much for me to endure. My sanity is crumbling like the walls of an old building. Yes, yesterday's battle did end (by a hair's breadth) w/ me having a small, yet significant victory over my DP. My wife told me I have it in me to conquer my dark passenger and take full control, but sometimes I wonder...do I? Who WILL win in the end..him or me? And I'm so exhausted and scared, b/c I know this battle will continue to wage on in my mind not just today, not just through next week, or next month, or the next 5 years, but forever. Will I ever have peace?

3 comments:

  1. Soon after my mission I had a bishop that wanted to hold a church court so I would understand how serious masterbation was. The next year, different bishop, me still struggling. He basically said, what is the big deal, most all men masterbate at some time in their lives. He told me the guilt was killing me more than the act itself. Wow. I quite worrying about it, and the compulsivness of it just vanished. I still indulged occasionally, but I no longer was trapped in the cycle; act - guilt - feelings of failure - which induced the act again... I'm so thankful to a wise bishop so long ago. I know this isn't exactly your situation.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks so much for your commment, anon. :)

    I wonder how freeing it would be to be able to masturbate and just enjoy the feeling and the release and never have those feelings of guilt and despair wash over me afterwards.

    I have thought these same things as you throughout my life, as well as all the other men in our church have or do (I assume). Even my Bishop a couple of weeks ago couldn't understand why I was so hung up on masturbationa and why it was a total no-no for me as well as a no-no having my wife do it for me. The reason being is b/c I can't masturbate w/o fantasizing - past porn, past experiences, the guy I saw riding his bike on the way home, etc. I can't just let my mind go and enjoy the physical sensations. When I masturbate, I drink freely from the cup of lust and carnality.

    I do know and believe that there is such a thing as mindful masturbation, which is ok. But unfortunately, I cannot do it, b/c my love of masturbation controls ME rather than me controlling IT.

    Best wishes to you, friend. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Porn used to have a huge hold on me, though it has lessened its grip especially the last three or four years. I think one reason it has gotten better is because I mentally separated myself from the church after coming to the realization that I could not change, and that it was ok for me to have the feelings I have. I still go for my kids and wife, but I no longer "believe". There is much I love about the church, it just wasn't good for me. I didn't leave the church because I wanted to be guilt free looking at porn either, because I think porn isn't good in and of itself. I guess it was my way to free myself from decades of feeling inherently evil and perverted.

      Then kind of like what happened with masterbation, I didn't have that insatialbe need to hook up with someone, or to get that visual fix with porn. I'm not sure why this has been the case for me, but I'm not messing with something that works. Good luck to you.

      Delete