Thursday, March 28, 2013

Missionary Service

As one looks back on their life, you would think that the time one spends serving as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints would be the happiest of their life. A mission should be a time of joy, of peace, of service, of blessings, of growth. It is the time in a person's life that they are (or can be) closer than ever before or after to the Holy Ghost and to all things heavenly. That is, unless of course, you have a dark passenger serving in the missionfield alongside you. At first, my DP remained quiet and idle and patiently waited for the day he could take command of the wheel again.

This is what I've decided to write about today: I want to bring to light all of the horrendous, most evil things I did while serving as a representative of the Lord for His Church, doing his work on the earth. It truly is sickening.

  • I began masturbating shortly after arriving at the MTC. I would regularly do it in the restroom stalls. I think I even did it once while showering alone at one of the "trees of life." Totally risky!
  • The very first night after arriving to my mission from the MTC, I stayed at the Mission President's house. There were 3 sets of bunkbeds in the basement. I wasn't used to the humidity of the area and subsequently took all my garments off and slept completely buck naked that first night.
  • The 2nd guy I baptized was gay. My companion must have not known or didn't care and just wanted the number. Every time we went to his house to teach him the discussions I wasn't even mentally present b/c he and I were constantly looking at each other. I think the only reason he even got baptized was to impress me or to keep me coming back to teach him.
  • My companion had a toothbrush holder that was shaped like a dildo. I would do myself all the time w/ it, wash it, and then put it back so he'd never suspect. Yes, I know. That's fucked up.
  • I remember coming across some gay porn magazines in a trash can and quickly flipping through them.
  • I would wrestle w/ my companions and try to grab their junk.
  • One day while I was on splits, I went back to the apartment of the member guy I was with. He wanted me to play the piano while he sang some hymns. He came up behind me and ever-so-gently and casually pressed his (erect) penis into my shoulder blades. I pretended like I didn't feel it. This is when my pent-up lust and feelings unleashed w/ a vengeance. This was approx. 9 months into my mission.
  • Several months after that first experience w/ the member guy and after I was completely acting out on every lust-driven desire I had on a regular basis, this self-same member and myself had sex. I think it was just oral. I don't remember anything anal happening w/ him.
  • There was a single guy living in the apartment beneath ours. He would leave his front door unlocked. A few times I snuck into his apartment, found a VHS tape w/ porn, and would watch it and beat off. I think I was caught doing this (I'm still not sure to this day if I was or by whom) but this is the trigger that set everything into motion for me being sent home.
  • I remember sneaking out to the porch while my comp was in the shower and smoking cigarettes.
  • We tracted into an apt. of 3 gay guys (two were a couple and the other guy was single). While visiting I was immensely triggered and turned on by the dude I was talking to. I knew he wanted to it. That very night after everyone was asleep I snuck out of my apt, walked the distance to the gay guys' apt, knocked and was let in. It turns out the one my comp and I had talked to earlier that afternoon was one of the guys in the relationship and he was gone for the night. The guy that answered the door and let me in was the single guy. We talked for a while and ended up having oral sex on the floor. This was the first time I acted out w/ another guy since before my mission and was also the first of many more to come.
  • I would regularly cruise the train/subway station bathrooms and masturbated w/ many different strangers on many different occasions.
  • I remember engaging in oral sex in one of the restroom stalls of the train station w/ a stranger.
  • One day while my comp and I were walking down the street the guy coming toward us gave me the gaydar eye as we passed. This guy was Brazilian and oh-so hot. I told my comp to hold on and I ran back to the guy and got his phone number and address. When I went back to my comp he asked who that was and I lied and told him it was someone I used to teach in my old area. I eventually snuck out at night and went to this guy's apt. and he and I had anal sex. The next time I snuck out and went to his apt. I did him. He is also the last guy I ever had anal sex w/ to this day (11 years later).
  • A member family w/ whom we spent a lot of time with had a gay son. He and I made out in the hallway outside his apartment on several occasions and grabbed each other's packages.
  • Another member boy and I once met up (after I had snuck out of my apt of course) and we rented a hotel room and had sex. I did him, or at least tried to; he said it hurt him. But we got freaky w/ one another w/ some strawberries and whipped cream and ended things orally.
  • I remember sneaking out and taking the car and driving/cruising around looking for hook ups at night. I went to a gay bar and had some beers. I got pulled over for speeding on my way back to my apt. in the middle of the night. I was terrified that the gig was up and that I would be found out. But I somehow cleverly paid my speeding ticket and no one was the wiser.
  • I also went to the movies, snuck out of my mission boundaries (twice)! to go sight-see, and was just a terrible, disobedient son-of-a-bitch.
This is the shit I carry around in my head. This is the shit I will always and forever carry around in my head. Even if Heavenly Father and Christ someday decide to forgive me for making a complete mockery out of everything that is holy and sacred, I will always feel an immense amount of shame, embarrassment, and sadness for the things I did while serving as a missionary for the church. Truly, of all the shitty and terrible things I have done in my lifetime, the things I did while serving as a missionary for the church are the ones that cut the deepest and hurt the most. :(

14 comments:

  1. The Atonement is big enough to cover all of this. I recommend listening to Shayne Bowen's talk about digging up past sins. Let is go my friend!

    https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/the-atonement-can-clean-reclaim-and-sanctify-our-lives?lang=eng

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  2. Bravone: U + Me = Forever Friends. :) Thank you so much for all you do for me. ♥

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  3. This is probably highly inappropriate but i enjoyed reading all your adventures. I was a very well behaved missionary (besides the one time I sucked another elders nipple and we cuddled all night). I sometimes wish I lived a little, though probably not to the extent you did ;)

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  4. Dude, I hope you'll read this comment and not dismiss it outright. I've been where you are to some extent and it is so painful to read.

    You are indeed addicted, but what you are addicted to isn't what you think. What you are addicted to flows through your veins like heroine. It makes you feel shame, feeling as you describe, "vile and dark". But just like heroine or crack it also feels REALLY good sometimes and the thought of life without it seems incomprehensible.

    I know because I lived it. I grew up LDS, "struggled" with masturbation. Went on a mission and married. Although I never "acted out" on my mission or during my marriage, I still felt the same shame for my feelings towards other guys that you describe here and in other posts. It's not your porn, masturbation or feelings for guys that is your addiction.

    What you are addicted to is Mormonism.

    You will never know peace until you are living on the outside in a manner consistent with how you feel on the inside. I won't pretend to know what that is for you, but your descriptions of your actions in this blog paint a pretty clear picture. Someone else comment in another post how his main draw to porn evaporated once he gave himself permission to indulge. It's true! It's the shame and resistance against your nature that drives your obsessive-compulsive behavior.

    I know it is counter-intuitive but the engine behind your shame and your uncontrollable impulse to masturbate and act out with men are the teachings of Mormonism that there's something inherently wrong with it. They've created the problem that they they pretend to have the remedy for. You are never going to be free or at peace until you realize that.

    There's help. Check out the web sites:
    http://curethecraving.com/
    http://www.nomorestrangers.org/

    Much love and hope to you. There is light and hope and goodness available to you. It's not going to come while in your current addiction though.

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  5. BTW - Just a bit of additional perspective...the vast majority of what you describe here is fairly normal behavior for a young adult male. It's the "sneaking" around that makes it weird and unhealthy. Well, that and the risky stuff that you were doing in parks and bathrooms.

    Food for thought... It's not the healthy, self-accepting gay men doing that. It's the men who are living straight lives that feel that compulsion and need to "sneak" and meet each other in bathrooms or masturbate in risky public places. Like I said before, it is your addiction to your belief that makes that sort of behavior the only option for you.

    There is a better, more healthier way.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Dad,

      Thank you for your input, observations, advice, suggestions, etc. I do appreciate it and agree w/ what a lot of what you have said.

      I believe there is a sense of liberty and freedom when one finally 'comes out' and comes to terms w/ who they are and what they want. For me, I think I would completely binge on everything - at least for a while. And then, if I'm not dying from AIDS or drug addiction at that point, I will realize what I had....and then lost. For me, the belief in the church and of the plan of salvation is so deeply rooted in my heart and soul I don't believe I would or could experience happiness - in this life nor the next.

      Thank you for the website links, BTW. I have a close friend that did the curethecraving website and highly recommends it as well.

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  6. So what! You're completely binging now.

    Addictions always want you to believe you'd be worse off without them. Like you, I couldn't imagine myself not being intertwined completely with the church. Happiness outside of it was unfathomable...but that's the drug talking. You are a good person with or without the church.

    I'm not even saying you should leave the church or your wife. I'm just saying your addition to LDS teachings is doing you harm and that it's a web you'll never escape from without something giving... what that is exactly I don't know. For me it WAS the church. I still have wonderful relationships with my children and I spend more quality time with them than any LDS father I know holding down callings. I haven't regretted my path one bit, although some of the consequences have indeed been tough...but worth it.

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  7. So what! You're completely binging now.

    Addictions always want you to believe you'd be worse off without them. Like you, I couldn't imagine myself not being intertwined completely with the church. Happiness outside of it was unfathomable...but that's the drug talking. You are a good person with or without the church.

    I'm not even saying you should leave the church or your wife. I'm just saying your addition to LDS teachings is doing you harm and that it's a web you'll never escape from without something giving... what that is exactly I don't know. For me it WAS the church. I still have wonderful relationships with my children and I spend more quality time with them than any LDS father I know holding down callings. I haven't regretted my path one bit, although some of the consequences have indeed been tough...but worth it.

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  8. And I'm impressed that you posted my comment and replied...Thanks.

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  9. I am curious: how were you able to sneak out of your apartment so much while you were on your mission? Didn't you have a companion? Did he go with you or he just slept through you being gone all the time? Did you serve in the States? Europe? South America? Thank you for answering my questions. :)

    And, I agree with you, Bravone is a pretty amazing man, isn't he? He has touched my life, also. :)

    Love you! Duck

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    1. I served in NJ - right across the river from NYC. My comps were asleep. Us addicts are experts at sneaking, hiding, and lying ;)

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  10. Hai! I just found your blog and have enjoyed reading through all of your stories. This one is certainly one of the most intriguing and 'provocative' story i've read! I'm not a member but i had been investigating the church for one year before i decided to step out. I'm a bisexual guy too but now has a GF. Anyway, that's beside the point.

    I just want to know about gay missionary (cause, one of missionary who taught me was 'suspected' to be a gay too. rumour says that he has done 'stuff' with other elders :)) Did you meet another fellow gay elder during your mission? how many gay missionaries out there? cause, i became quite familiar with LDS culture and i feel like social system (especially during mission) very "appealing" for those who struggles with sexual identity.

    And also are gay members more likely to serve mission than those who are not? Because, i heard a lot stories about missionaries who got sent home early because, they fooled around with their companions(and yet those who admit it after their mission..)

    Sorry if i ask too much but i've been wanting to know about this from you who have first-hand experience :) If you want to reply it, i'll be very grateful or otherwise, just keep updating your blog cause, i'll be keeping up with news and story from you.

    Nice blog. Take and have a great week :)

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    1. Hi B.P. I appreciate your comment.

      No, I did not have any inappropriate relationships w/ other Elders on my mission. I don't have any mutual masturbation or making out stories to share w/ other missionaries, expect w/ those people during my mission that I mentioned in my post.

      There were a couple of Elders in my mission that made my gaydar go off; but nothing was every discussed nor did anything happen w/ them. I simply knew they had the struggle too.

      It's funny, b/c the majority of the LDS SSA "gay" guys I have talked to over the years tell me they were pretty straight arrow on their mission; most didn't even struggle w/ masturbation! I was at the other extreme (obviously) which I still and eternally will regret. :(

      You'll find that a lot of guys like me actually have rock-solid testimonies and are pretty spiritual dudes. I think God made it that way b/c the burden we bear is one hell of a load and it keeps us fighting the good fight.

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    2. Hai thanks very much for your reply!

      I hadn't checked your blog for more than week so, very sorry for late respond :) anyway, this is indeed a very interesting story since, as a non-mormon myself, this kind of 'missionary experience' would have never been occured in anyone's mind. When i got in touch with the church through 'street-contacting', i went to general conference and met with lots of missionaries who obviously have some 'gay quality'..

      I can imagine it must be hard to control those feelings for someone being sent into mission at 'prime age for raging hormone' :) Because, many people can't fully-realize their sexuality at those age and don't know how to express it. The reason i asked this because i read stories about missionaries who made a sexual advance on their companions.. but i believe mostly they never fess it up to their mission president. So, it might be quite common today as it was decades ago..

      While i was investigating i met many male members too who are not married and seem obviously gay (though i wouldn't know for sure) but they are very active and have a good standing in the church. They're like you : very spiritual and faithful but struggling with sexual identity..

      Beside that, i read in your story that the 2nd guy whom you baptized during your mission was a gay man. I wanna know how did you deal with the situation, cause, i heard several stories about gay investigators (beside girls) who have crush on missionaries. Sometimes, i always think that single-people, girls and guys (or gays), very likely to become convert and join the church mainly because, their 'infatuation' with missionaries. Though i must to admit that most missionaries have qualities for young people to look up to..

      Anyway, thank you again for your respond. I really wanna hear more of your stories and i hope you can continue to overcome your struggle and your problem.

      I don't have religion so we may have a different perspective on sexuality but for sure, sexual addiction is very unhealthy and harmful. So, i'll support and wish you a great success in tackling this problem.

      Take care and i'm really looking forward your respond :)

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