Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Perpetual Grouchiness

What the hell is wrong w/ me lately? It seems like every day I'm in a bad, sour mood. I'm constantly irritable, and rageful, and on edge. Are these addiction withdrawal symptoms or WTF?

Today marks 3 weeks of abstinance for me and I have to admit it's been rough. But I'm really trying to do things differently this time. One of the things I've been trying really hard at is getting out of my fucking head! Too often when I'm sad, or overwhelmed, or angry I stay in my head and bury my feelings alive. That usually results in me acting out w/ myself and using my 'old reliables' to numb or escape my feelings. But not this time. Lately when I'm feeling that way, I've been picking up the phone and calling one of the guys in recovery and having a mindful conversation w/ them.

Sometimes I'm selfish, especially on my drive home from work. I want to just sit and listen to the radio and numb out. But I've come to realize I can't. It's too risky. So I'll make a call instead. And you know what? I feel better afterwards. Having good, healthy, close relationships w/ other guys in recovery is one of my life savers. I'm really grateful to have found them.

My wife told me I needed to get back on my meds (Prozac) or at least something to take the edge off. But I know that's not going to help. That's like trying to mend a broken pipe w/ duct tape. It may hold for a bit and fix the problem momentarily, but not in the long run. I need to replace the whole fucking pipe! And the way I do that is through working my program, attending my weekly meetings, practicing rigorous honesty, working w/ my sponsor, etc. I do hope my grouchiness as of late is just the result of my addiction withdrawal and that it will get easier as time goes by and the closer we get to spring and warmer weather.

I just need to settle down, breathe, keep calm and carry on and cheer up.


  1. Hello

    I am sorry for not posting lately. But this post caught my eye and I can relate to everything that you said. I have been having the same old feelings myself. I have also relapsed in the last three weeks myself. So far, this week, I haven't relapsed, though it isn't over yet as it is still a one day at a time basis. But I have. Last week, I relapsed twice within a twelve hour period. I have been feeling anger myself and I know that it isn't a pretty feeling. I have been shouting angry things to myself and there are no people around. It may be that this is all due to the relapses or it could be something else. I don't know what it could be.

    I have been reading the book Surviving and Transcending a Traumatic Childhood and it is a pretty interesting read. I had a traumatic childhood myself where most of the trauma was caused by my father who claimed to be "non-denominated" Christian, but instead of Christianity, he used legalism instead. I suffered physical and emotional abuse from him constantly. He verbally abused me and made me feel worthless as a result of the verbal abuse, which were insults and repeated name callings. He never had a positive thing to say to me nor about me. He never showed me any love and affection that would've affirmed me and I wouldn't be fighting the demons that I am fighting now as a result. Not only that, my father never let me express myself and whenever I tried to do so, he assumed that a demon was possessing me and he would knock me to the ground, hold me down so I wouldn't get up and repeatedly chanted in the name of Jesus Christ for the demon to leave me and whenever I would try to fight to get up off of the floor, he would strengthen his hold on me and wouldn't stop until I was so exhausted from struggling and that gave him the impression that the demon was out of me. I went through all of that for nine months between the ages of 8-9, but it felt like nine years. If the physical and emotional abuse wasn't bad enough, I also had to endure other things, such as witnessing numerous domestic violence episodes(it was a boyfriend that my locally living sister had at the time and I was a witness to most of the beatings that he gave her. He also assaulted me numerous times myself during my early childhood after my mom rescued me from my father's abuse. He also was the father of my niece)and also, sexual abuse where I was used by other guys for their pleasure and also, being the victim of a pedophile at three separate intervals of my life. I was also the target of bullying, violence at the hands of those bullies and the school system that I was involved in did nothing to stop it. It was the bullies running the school system as the school's administration let the bullies intimidate them. I was in special education as a result of the issues that I had as a result of the violent and verbal abuse that I suffered and endured all of those times in my early childhood.

    I know where you are coming from and believe me, I can relate to everything that you shared. Thanks for your honesty and for being very open. Keep up the great work that you're doing.

    By the way, the picture of Oscar, the Grouch does bring back pleasant memories before all the abuse started. I used to watch Sesame Street myself when I was younger. Thanks again for everything that you're doing here.

  2. Yes, the addiction is kicking in when the anger-meter goes up. At least for me. That's my biggest warning signal I'm headed towards the 'acting-out' phase.

    By the way, I like the name you gave your alter ego. I call mine 'Little Monster'.

    1. Hey Neal,

      Thanks for reading and for your comment.

      Indeed my irritiability and anger has been slowly rising, almost like the mercury in a thermometer. HOWEVER, lately when I'm feeling that way (like I want to put my fist through a wall or the dashboard in my car) I've instead picked up the phone and called a friend in recovery. I'll usually spit and swear and get all that toxic shit out of my system w/ them on the phone and talk things through and amazingly I feel much, much better afterwards.

      So that is what has been working for me lately. I absolutely HAVE to get out of my head and let some of this anger and rage out (in a healthy way HAHA) instead of allowing myself to stew in my own anger and irritations.

  3. Dark Passenger, you are advancing a continual learning curve. After reading of your mission experiences compared to your March 13, 2013 post, what improvement! Whatever recovery group you're attending, observe how your anger, resentment, lust, and self-depreciation all fuel your addiction. Keep up your progression and maybe focus more on all your accomplishments instead of mistakes. Bless you, brother.