I know I labeled my blog "Silently Struggling" and maybe at the time (last March) when I first created this blog I did feel like I was in the struggle alone. However, I have to say I really don't feel like that anymore and regard the name of this blog pretty irrelevant for my current station in life. I have made some super great friendships and met some awesome men who accept me and care about me despite my dumb-fuckery and my horrendous addictions and actions. They are readers on this blog (you know who you are) but they see and know me for ME and understand that addictions can take many forms and shapes. True, my addiction has taken me down some pretty raunchy paths which I've painstakingly discussed in various posts over the past year, but the more knowledgeable and self-aware I get and the more clouds that disspate over and inside my head, the more grip I get on reality and who and what I'm all about.
Now, would I stand up on the roof-tops and shout that I am the owner of this blog and that I am the dark passenger? Um, no. I don't think I'm there yet nor do I know if I ever will be. I don't need the general public using my life and the information I've shared to destroy me or hurt me further. People can be real assholes. However, if a person genuiunely asks me about some of the problems I face or where I've been or what I'm working on, I would be straight-up and candid w/ them and tell them straight up what I'm all about. I would tell them I'm an addict that deals w/ same-sex lust. I would tell them I am an active member of the LDS church, that I know and love and believe to be the true Church. I would tell them I am a married man w/ 4 children and that my wife knows everything and we have a great relationship and I have no secrets from her. I would tell them I am currently attending 12 step meetings, group therapy, and one on one counseling sessions. I would tell them I have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of.
Granted, I am slightly twisted in the mind and have made some pretty awful mistakes in the past and even still in my present. However, I've come a long way! I could have just said 'fuck this shit' and blown my life, my wife, my children, my church, everthing I have and hold dear and turned to the darkside. But I don't want that.
I love this quote I read on facebook the other day:
"How can we move on to the next chapter of our lives or see how the story ends if we keep re-reading the last chapter?"
So great and so, so true!
I want all of you to know I appreciate you being there for me and supporting me and helping me through this past year. This recovery shit is a long process but I'm healing, slowly but surely. And I'm finally getting [ever-so-slightly] comfortable in my own skin and accepting of myself.
"Everything will line up perfectly when knowing and living the truth becomes more important then proving anything to anyone." - Alan Cohen