I titled this latest BLOG post "THE secret" b/c it is the ONE SECRET I've been harboring for years and years and the one secret I keep most protected and locked away inside.
This is my secret: I am sexually and physically attracted to men, not women.
What's interesting is my wife knows my secret, as well as my close friends, group members, Church leaders, etc. But my secret is the big elephant in the room. We all see the elephant and reference it and know he's there, but we don't call it by name or say "there is a pink elephant in the room and it is this" nor do we really see how big it truly is.
For me, to finally come out and recognize that pink elephant for what it is, is one of the biggest fears I have live. I'm scared of the irreparable damage it will cause to my life, my marriage my relationships and to myself. Yet, would it be? That elephant is comprised of so much self-disgust and fear and embarrassment and toxic shame. It is a big conglomeration of all those times I have been rejected and made fun of and hated and bullied and hurt. It is my self-loathing and and self-disgust and self-hatred. It is "faggot" and "fem" and "cocksucker" and "fairy" all rolled up into one. I fear when I am finally able to let go and 'come out' w/ my secret and shine some light on it and recognize it for what is, then I will also begin to identify myself as that limp-wristed, faggot I always knew I was yet refused to believe.
My story is a little strange in the fact all through my teens and even during my promiscuous years when I was having full-on gay sex I never did consider myself "gay." I think I've written about that before. Although I was a boy having sex w/ boys I didn't put two and two together and say, "well then, that means I must be GAY." My sexual escapades were always very naive and inconsiderate. And you know what? Today, as a 33 year old man I still don't classify myself as a "gay man" nor do I identify w/ the gays in society or the gay lifestyle. I do not believe sexuality is as cut and dried or black and white as people like to think and believe it is. I personally believe sexuality could best be described as a scale comprised of many shades and degrees. And this scale can change and shift over time due to different circumstances or experiences or other people.
I do, however, identity myself as a sex addict w/ same sex lust. I'm physically attracted and turned on by men, not women. What's hard for me and the true key to my secret is admitting to myself, wife, and others is I do NOT have any sexual attractions for women....at all. I do not lust after, or fantasize about, or get turned on by a woman's body. Given the opportunity to fuck an Abercrombie model or a Victoria Secret model, hands down it would be the Abercrombie dude. But that is where it ends. It doesn't move past the lust and the attraction and the fucking. Would I want to eventually move in w/ this Abercrombie guy and start a life together and get joint checking accounts and attend Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners at our family's houses together? Uh, no. I'm happy I don't feel that way, but it also makes things so much more confusing.
Perhaps my wife already knows my secret; the REAL secret. After 10 years of marriage, you would think she would realize I don't give a hoot about women. Yet what's bizarre is my wife and I have a very healthy, sexual marriage. I grab her boobs and I get a hard on. I love performing oral sex on my wife. I love when we passionately kiss during sex. I love doing her and listening to myself moving in and out and enjoy having sex w/ her (a woman). Never do I fantasize I'm acting out w/ a guy whilst we are having sex. Never do I imagine I'm eating out a guy instead of her when I'm doing so. And my wife and I have a great relationship! We've deduced that perhaps many couples have such problems in their marriage (especially sex addicts) b/c their relationships are so heavily driven by physical attraction and lust. My wife and I aren't like that. I love my wife and I think she's beautiful. I look at past pictures of us together and I truly think she is a beautiful person - inside and out. I think this has been key to our successful marriage and relationship. I guess if I'm not sexually attracted to other women but AM sexually attracted and compatible w/ her (my wife), then it must be ok.
But I fear what would happen if I finally came out and said, "Darling, you know I'm not attracted to women, right? You know I love you and think that you're beautiful, but when it comes to other women, you know they don't do it for me in the sex department, right? You know when we watch a sex/love scene in a movie or 'Dancing w/ the Stars' or a ballet I'm actually looking at and lusting and getting turned on by the dudes, right? You know when I see guys in their underwear, or wrestling pictures in the newspaper, or simple advertisements on the fucking TV featuring hot guys, you know my mind is racing, right?"
Shit. Why does it have to be so fucking complicated?
So, that's my secret. Who knows how long (if ever) it'll take me to grow the balls to actually TELL my wife out loud that I'm into dudes sexually and that my arousal template lies w/ men, not women. Do I need to? Is it a vital step in my road to sexual addiction recovery and a key piece to finding my inner peace and harmony?