Relapsed yesterday. Didn't act out w/ anyone else, just myself. The big M and porn and sounding. I just couldn't take it anymore. The temptation and craving and desire was too much for me to bear. I can't believe how hard the past 30 days have been. This addiction (and recovery) is a bitch. It sucks to be so fucked up.
So, I'm back to step one.
Don't worry... I'm not giving up the fight. The question to ask is will this time be different? Only I can answer that one and I don't have a fucking clue. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I found this poem on an addiction recovery website. I liked it b/c it echoes how I'm feeling in my head today:
I've destroyed [or am destroying] everything that was good in my life.
I've broken each vow that I made.
I've disgraced my children, my friends, and my wife
For this mindless, relentless charade.
Think of the worst person you've ever known,
And I'll wager he's better than me.
Hell is a place I would hate to call home,
And yet it's where I ought to be.
As a youth, I was favored, a virgin to sin,
A light to the wavering soul.
My thoughts were perverted and wrong now and then,
But I kept them in constant control.
In bad times, they'd soothe me and take me away
Like a heroin dose to my brain.
I'd yield to their lure more and more everyday,
And my heart grew more selfish and vain.