Addiction is the result of un-met needs and I'm well aware of where my same-sex lust addiction springs from: un-met needs from other males whilst growing up. Because of all the rejection and unacceptance and unenvolvement w/ other guys in my developmental years, I now have a serious need for acceptance and bonding and interaction w/ men. But for whatever reason, my brain tells me I need to get all of this physically and/or sexually.
I do have quite a number of good, close male friendships and regularly engage in bonding activities w/ them (lunch, movie nights, game nights, etc.), but even after all that, some days I find myself still struggling w/ that desperate need for male touch.
Yesterday was a tough day. For whatever reason I was really jonesing for some (healthy?) male touch: a long, tight embrace, or simply sitting next to each other or SOMETHING. But I didn't get it. Thus, as a result of not getting my needs fulfilled, late last night I was really tempted to start surfing Craigslist ads or to swing by the gay park in town and see if there would be a dude interested in just letting me have some close, non-sexual touch w/ him e.g. laying together and hugging, smelling his cologne on his neck, feeling the stubble of his 5 'o-clock shadow and his chest and legs, etc. Good lord, that sounds so unbelieveably gay! HAHA Yet I know, it would have inevitably ended in a mutual jerk-off session. Doesn't it always? In the end, I stayed strong and didn't go. Kudos for me, right? I really tried hard to tell myself I am loved and accepted by my male friends and I don't need to go and have some gay stroke or touchy-feely fest in order to feel like I am ok.
What the fuck is wrong w/ me? How and when will my brain ever heal? When will I finally feel that sense of acceptance and involvement w/ other dudes and not have that need to compensate in unhealthy ways?