Thursday, April 4, 2013

Coming to Terms w/ Myself

Yesterday I "came out" to a friend of mine at work that I've grown pretty close to as of late. It was kind of interesting the way it happened. He has told me before that from the minute he met me he thought I was pretty "metro." We've laughed about it and how my way of dealing w/ the "is he or isn't he" question is to just coyly play it up and keep them guessing.

So yesterday we were sitting in the park having lunch and he told me the metro thing was just a round-about way of wondering if I do or if I have ever played for both teams. I laughed at that and of course played it up a bit more to him. Then I told him that I don't personally believe sexuality is as cut and dry as the world tries to make it; nevertheless, if I have to slap a label on myself then yes, I do play for both teams. I really don't have anything to hide (anymore). I am who I am. But my situation is really complicated. The reason being is I don't consider or identify myself as a "gay" man, as I've mentioned in previous posts. For me, coming out and saying, "yep I'm gay" doesn't really jive w/ me. Embracing the whole gay bit and identifying myself that way means gay pride and acceptance, waving the rainbow flag and marching in street parades, endorsing gay marriage, denying my testimony of the church b/c the church doesn't and won't support my lifestyle, yada yada. It's the whole gay ball of wax.

Do I deny that I like to fuck guys? Nope. Given the choice, would I prefer to fuck a man or a woman and which sex turns me on? Hands down it is men. But sex w/ a woman, though not as hot nor fun as it is w/ guys, is great too. Can you see why it's not just black and white?

Further complications: I love my wife and share a deep emotional connection w/ her. I want to be w/ her and our family forever. Would it be possible for me to love and be loved by a guy and have that deep emotional connection w/ him as well, and be able to have great butt sex whenever, wherever, or however we wanted? It's possible. I'm not saying it isn't. However, the Son of God that is inside me knows that being gay (as I have defined it) is not right (FOR ME). I know what happiness is and it is not w/ a man. It is w/ my eternal family. That is what I believe.

So I'll never know that mind-blowing, pure pleasure of getting or giving head to a guy again in my mortal life. Oh well! Is that sexual liberty and freedom really worth sacrificing everything else in my life (and eternity) that brings me happiness, security, comfort, love, and stability?


  1. Is it possible to no longer lust after the sin? How do you survive the tension of standing within the bounds that God has set but continue to look longingly out to Babylon? Can the Love of God and family swallow up the longings or will life always feel like deprivation? Just some of my musings as I read your post.

    1. Anon, you're right. Indeed I am in the same situation as Lot's wife. Will I keep myself focused and make it safely out of the city? Or will I succumb to my carnal appetites and lust and run back to Sodom? Only I can decide that.

  2. It seems that sin is like the well watered garden. Its easy to get intoxicated with the ease and comfort of it all. I think God asks us to turn our backs on the garden and walk out into th desert. The only way to survive is to find and eat the bread of life and drink the living water. But those things do not come with ease but only with much suffering and pain. I know when I envy the sinner or my past sins I find myself back in the garden or in your analogy back in Sodom. God says when we repent he remembers our sins no more. I wonder for myself if I keep dwelling on my past have I really repented. The question is how do I really forget the pain or pleasure of my past. Maybe it's where I fix my gaze. Is it on the garden or the desert. The truth is God can only be found in one of those two places. I have also found once I have confessed my sins it has never served me to keep talking about them. They are the things that keep me tied to Sodom.