Tuesday, July 23, 2013

So Black My Heart

I think I've written before how the more often we yield to temptation and let evil in and allow our addictions to take control, the more our resistance decreases. We grow weaker and weaker and it becomes easier and easier to sin; even the grievous ones that we thought we would never do.
Such is the status of my life lately. My descent into sin is remarkable, though unsurprising.

Things have really spiraled out of control for me, and it's no one's fault but my own. Now instead of surfing porn and spanking it in my work restroom, I have now gone deeper into actual cruising and surfing and hooking up w/ anonymous dudes. For the past few months I have frequented the gay park in town at least once (or more) a week. Plus, I am actually allowing myself to be jerked off by the other guy, whereas there was a time here not too long ago that I would have NEVER allowed myself to be touched. I have also began fondling the other dudes balls. A couple of years ago I would have NEVER touched the other person. And I have been a hair's breadth from a blow job. He wanted to do it and I wanted it so bad, but right at the last second I said no.

This past week was really bad and finally culminated on Sunday afternoon.

Story time kiddos...
First thing on last Friday morning, right after turning my computer on at work, I began surfing (and responding) to Craigslist ads. I had a response by 9am. And by 9:30am I was in this dudes hotel room. Another guy showed up and I watched the two of them have full-on oral and butt sex. Did I mention I was naked and was touching the fucker's balls as he did the other guy? Um, yea, I was and I did. Plus I allowed myself to be jacked off until I shot my load on the back of the fuckee w/ the other guy. This experience will bother me, meaning re-tempt and re-trigger me for years to come. Definitely lots of deposits in the spank bank w/ that experience.

I was a veritable angel on Saturday and Sunday morning. But by Sunday mid afternoon I was jonesing. I decided to lie to my family and tell them I was going to do a quick pop run. Instead I ran straight to the gay park. I met a guy and propositioned him to get someone else and let me watch then blow each other in the car. It happened as I wanted it to, and I again massaged their balls while they jacked off, then I jacked off myself.

When I got home my wife was waiting for me in the driveway. I had been gone 40 minutes and she knew I hadn't just done a pop run and asked me where I had been. I couldn't lie. No more. I told her where I had been and what I had been doing, minus the 'gory' details. We had it out all night and she told me the next time it happens or if I get near that fucking park I'm out, and I have to go stay w/ my parents and tell them why I am there. I hope that ultimatum will help me try to get back on track. Gulp.

There are no excuses. I'm a fucking adulterer and have a black heart. I love evil over good. I'm in love w/ darkness more than light. Darkness has enveloped me and I'm loving it. That's scary. Am I fucking possessed? What the fuck has happened to me? I feel dead inside. I am willing to take my job, my freedom, my beautiful wife and family, my church membership, my reputation, my sanity, and my peace of mind and eternity and throw it all away into the fucking sewer b/c I love dick, plain and simple, and I want that quick blow job or spank job in the bathroom stall more than I want all of that. How's that for scathing mockery too all things holy and that hold dear!

So I'm back on the wagon and have been giving a concerted effort to control this shit again. I've been praying AM and PM and have been making 2 calls a day to other guys in recovery (sex addiction) and have been staying the fuck out of places I should. I do feel ok (hooray for 2 days); but boy, I can't deny I sure have been tempted. I want it. BAD. Just as a drug user needs more and more, it's the same w/ me. I've thought of cruising the park, or re-emailing the hook-up I had on Friday and asking for more. I've thought about jacking off w/ lovely thoughts of my binge weekend. Everywhere I look I see meat, I see beautiful ass, I see dick.

I'm lost in a sea of lust and wantonness. I do see the light on the shore, though it is dim. All I can do is batten the hatches, adjust my sails, and steer toward it.

Friday, July 12, 2013

It Is Only a Matter of My Fix

I had a work friend of mine ask me to listen to a song on his iTunes playlist. When I listened to it
I about shit myself! The song pretty much summed up who I am and my life thus far.

"No Eyes" - by Baths

You take me and I'll take you
In the pit there in the smoke.
I can never make out your face, or at least I can't remember it
I have no eyes, I have no love, I have no hope.

And it is not a matter of
If you mean it,
But it is only a matter of
Come and fuck me.
And it is not a matter of
If you love it,
But it is only a matter of
My fix.

It gets all in the way, the pit in my throat.
This isn't the adulthood I thought I wrote.
And I never see your face, but I just might be okay,
Because I have no eyes, I have no love, I have no hope.

And it is not a matter of
If you need it,
But it is only a matter of
Come and fuck me.
And it is not a matter of
If you love me,
But it is only a matter of
My fix.