Tuesday, July 23, 2013

So Black My Heart

I think I've written before how the more often we yield to temptation and let evil in and allow our addictions to take control, the more our resistance decreases. We grow weaker and weaker and it becomes easier and easier to sin; even the grievous ones that we thought we would never do.
Such is the status of my life lately. My descent into sin is remarkable, though unsurprising.

Things have really spiraled out of control for me, and it's no one's fault but my own. Now instead of surfing porn and spanking it in my work restroom, I have now gone deeper into actual cruising and surfing and hooking up w/ anonymous dudes. For the past few months I have frequented the gay park in town at least once (or more) a week. Plus, I am actually allowing myself to be jerked off by the other guy, whereas there was a time here not too long ago that I would have NEVER allowed myself to be touched. I have also began fondling the other dudes balls. A couple of years ago I would have NEVER touched the other person. And I have been a hair's breadth from a blow job. He wanted to do it and I wanted it so bad, but right at the last second I said no.

This past week was really bad and finally culminated on Sunday afternoon.

Story time kiddos...
First thing on last Friday morning, right after turning my computer on at work, I began surfing (and responding) to Craigslist ads. I had a response by 9am. And by 9:30am I was in this dudes hotel room. Another guy showed up and I watched the two of them have full-on oral and butt sex. Did I mention I was naked and was touching the fucker's balls as he did the other guy? Um, yea, I was and I did. Plus I allowed myself to be jacked off until I shot my load on the back of the fuckee w/ the other guy. This experience will bother me, meaning re-tempt and re-trigger me for years to come. Definitely lots of deposits in the spank bank w/ that experience.

I was a veritable angel on Saturday and Sunday morning. But by Sunday mid afternoon I was jonesing. I decided to lie to my family and tell them I was going to do a quick pop run. Instead I ran straight to the gay park. I met a guy and propositioned him to get someone else and let me watch then blow each other in the car. It happened as I wanted it to, and I again massaged their balls while they jacked off, then I jacked off myself.

When I got home my wife was waiting for me in the driveway. I had been gone 40 minutes and she knew I hadn't just done a pop run and asked me where I had been. I couldn't lie. No more. I told her where I had been and what I had been doing, minus the 'gory' details. We had it out all night and she told me the next time it happens or if I get near that fucking park I'm out, and I have to go stay w/ my parents and tell them why I am there. I hope that ultimatum will help me try to get back on track. Gulp.

There are no excuses. I'm a fucking adulterer and have a black heart. I love evil over good. I'm in love w/ darkness more than light. Darkness has enveloped me and I'm loving it. That's scary. Am I fucking possessed? What the fuck has happened to me? I feel dead inside. I am willing to take my job, my freedom, my beautiful wife and family, my church membership, my reputation, my sanity, and my peace of mind and eternity and throw it all away into the fucking sewer b/c I love dick, plain and simple, and I want that quick blow job or spank job in the bathroom stall more than I want all of that. How's that for scathing mockery too all things holy and that hold dear!

So I'm back on the wagon and have been giving a concerted effort to control this shit again. I've been praying AM and PM and have been making 2 calls a day to other guys in recovery (sex addiction) and have been staying the fuck out of places I should. I do feel ok (hooray for 2 days); but boy, I can't deny I sure have been tempted. I want it. BAD. Just as a drug user needs more and more, it's the same w/ me. I've thought of cruising the park, or re-emailing the hook-up I had on Friday and asking for more. I've thought about jacking off w/ lovely thoughts of my binge weekend. Everywhere I look I see meat, I see beautiful ass, I see dick.

I'm lost in a sea of lust and wantonness. I do see the light on the shore, though it is dim. All I can do is batten the hatches, adjust my sails, and steer toward it.

8 comments:

  1. President Packer once wrote in a talk how Satan is impotent. Satan wants to father us as much as our Heavenly Father and have us become impotent like he is. It makes me think how sad it will be for so many who think they have all this sexual freedom for this blink of an eye that this life is and then become these impotent beings for eternity. Only the God's experience orgasms. I pray you find for bearings before its to late. It seems time and second chances are quickly running out for you. Someone who is so hounded by darkness must have great latent powers within that the adversary doesn’t want to come forth as a bright morning. I guess in the end it will come down to the simple choice of which do you love more, dick or God.

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    1. Thanks for your comment Anon and it really does make sense. My wife tells me I must me someone important or have great things to do, which is why that s.o.b. Satan works so hard on me. Who knows? Sometimes I think it's just one of those things people say to give you warm cuddly feelings and a big pat on the back when in fact I'm no different than anybody else. I have just opened the door to evil wider than others have. But I do know and realize I have to get my shit together FAST; otherwise I'll lose it all and there's no going back. Right now I can still push the brakes.

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  2. Love ya pal. My heart's breaking hearing about your life right now, mostly because it reminds me a bit of my own. I'm so proud of your honesty and integrity and I'm going to be praying right there with ya. You've got a lot of work to do, but I'm nonetheless proud of you for trying to do it. E-mail me any time.

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    1. I'll miss you GMP. :( I sure appreciate your texts and calls. It'll be a void not having you around (for a while). Be a good boy and mind your P's and Q's. ♥

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  3. So why are you putting your wife through this? When you speak of feeling bad about it you refer only to the way you feel inside...and don't refer at all to your wife's feelings or what grief you are causing her. Your writings make it sound as though she is merely a flotation device to you. Do you have any empathy for this woman? Maybe it is time to do the right, honorable, and kind thing by telling her it is time for a divorce so she can get on with her life. In the end you will also become whole if you stop hating yourself and just come out, your children will be better off and so will both your wife and you. Doing the right thing is hard but you are out of control and living in such denial...your dark passenger only has power because you are hiding and living in shame.

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    1. Thank you for pointing that out Anon. Yes, it's true. I am more concerned about myself. However, 'coming out' will not help the situation. I know where true happiness and that is w/ my family and having peace and integrity in my life and ME being in a healthy place. Throwing my family to the wayside so I can give myself permission to say "I'm here, I'm queer, get over it people" and fucking dudes w/o hesitation and having gay relationships is not where my true happiness. Maybe I've been too "brainwashed" by the Mormon church and have too strong of a testimony of eternal families and the man and woman relationship, but that's how I feel and what I believe and thank GOD I do have a wife that sees through the gay sex addiction shit and sees me for who I am. Granted, she will not continue to play the fool forever and if I don't get my shit together she will leave me. It all comes down to me and what I truly want. All of this (x) or that (x).

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    2. If one believes in Eternal Marriage through temple ordinances then one must also believe it is only eternal if both parties are worthy. You may not be having penetrative sex with others but what you are doing is sex and you are cheating and breaking several temple covenants, which nullifies a temple marriage. The spirit seals the union when the spouses honor their covenants, if not it's just another piece of paper.

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  4. Okay, seriously, I am not necessarily saying you should do this, but just consider it.

    How can living like this possibly be better than seeking a committed relationship with someone from whom you can have all your (apparent) needs met? You make it sound like your only options are what you have now or else being promiscuous. Are those the only options? Is what you have now not just being promiscuous?

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