Monday, October 28, 2013

Help! I Need Somebody


To my readers, especially those of you who have been deeply entrenched in any sexual addition and have (or are) overcoming it, this one's for you. I need help and ANY advice you would be willing to share.
 
As I have written in the past, I am consumed w/ same sex lust. I am a slave to my flesh, my thoughts, my desires, my temptations. Even though I have had many periods of wild, sexual promiscuity in the past, I have never, EVER felt so lost and out of control as I do today.  I totally understand why it is said that addiction is a disease -  my brain and soul is being completely ravaged and eaten alive by this lust disease! I cannot stop my behaviors, and my acting out (w/ others) is becoming more and more regular, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. That is in addition to my own masturbation as I relive the experiences again and again and again in my head. I can't concentrate or remember things. I am mentally present or engaged in a conversation maybe 20% of the time; the rest of the time my mind is racing on other things. I can almost FEEL the damage being done in my head behind my eyes. My brain rot has almost become an actual physical feeling in my skull.

Each night I pray and ask for help and strength to get through the next day. Yet morning comes and that all-too-familiar tickle already begins. My resistance to say no or to chase the naughty thought from my head is nil.  I don't go to lunch w/ work friends any more. I spend my lunch hours cruising for hook ups. I don't make phone calls to other guys in recovery. I'm not "there" anyway. Sometimes I will be hunting for 2 or 3 hours at a time during lunch, or even in the middle of the afternoon. I have even been leaving work an hour early to cruise some more before going home w/ my 'everything's just dandy and I'm fine' mask. One would think my recent excommunication from the church would have sobered me up and I would be doing everything in my power to STOP! But I don't and I'm not. I am solely going through the motions: church, LDS addiction recovery meeting, my regular SA group, personal prayer and prayer w/ my wife, etc., yet for whatever reason that sure and true desire to stop is not there.

Before I end up going all the way (meaning performing oral sex or engaging in actual sex) w/ one of my hook ups and contracting a disease, or being fired from work for being MIA so often, or getting caught by the cops, a neighbor, or my wife, HOW can I just STOP? What is the magic pill or how do I spark a fire within my soul that will ignite and give me the strength and the desire to stop? In my heart of hearts I know I am sick. I know I have a problem and that it is killing me every way possible, even eternally. My sane mind knows what I am doing to my wife and family, but because my heart is void of empathy and emotion, it's hard for me to do it for those reasons alone. I do want to stop but lust's pull is too strong.

So I ask: what has helped you in the past to break out of your addiction cycle? If willing, please share w/ me what you have done to loose the chains around your neck. Help me put together an action list of things I could do that may help get me a day or more of sobriety/abstinence. How does one surrender this shit to God? How does a spiritual entity (God/Christ) help/change a physical entity (me)? I don't understand it! How does one "Let go and Let God?" How does one come to the sure knowledge that this entity (that I supposedly know so well b/c He is my Father and Creator) is the only one that can deliver me from this hell? How does that feeling just turn over one day in a person's soul? How do I muster up the strength and desire from within to overcome and fight this battle?

I get so angry when I hear of other people who have had that breakthrough and are able to begin healing via Christ's atonement. What did they do and how did they do it? What can I do? Where do I begin? What actual PHYSICAL steps and actions do I take?

Please help. Please help, meaning, please give me the information I seek that may help light that fire within ME, because in the end, YOU can't help me. Nobody can really help me. This all has to come from within my own heart, mind, and soul. But perhaps you may plant some seeds that take root.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Excommunication

I've really missed writing out some of my thoughts and the things that are going on in my life when the mood passes through, so I've decided to start writing again. However, this time around I'm only going to write about the POSITIVE things happening in my life, my POSITIVE thoughts and musings, and to share my POSITIVE experiences of strength, growth, and hope. No more will I write about my endless sexual exploits, struggles, hook ups, and all my past mistakes. I will not continue to dwell on the negative things in my life and forever confess but never find peace.
Much has happened in the past few months. The 2 biggest occurrences were:

1) My addiction cycle has worsened. It has worsened to the point that I have been acting out (alone and w/ others) multiple times a day. I am consumed w/ lust. There is no end to my insatiable desires. Because of where I have been and the escalation of these desires and behaviors, 2) I went before an LDS Disciplinary Council and was Excommunicated from the Church.

I never could have imagined I would lose my membership in the church, but it has happened. I have no Spirit, no priesthood, no forever family, NOTHING.

Please know this came as a result of my own volition. I freely confessed all to my Bishop, and later, the Stake President. I was not caught and turned in or facing legal problems or anything like that. It was me, and me alone, and I knew what I had to do. My wife accompanied me and was with me through it all. Today, I feel no anger, no resentment, no bitterness, no animosity toward anyone in the church or toward the church in general. Only I have put me where I am today. One of the things the Council and I agreed on is there will be no healing nor true recovery if I do not find Christ. Even though I may have all the therapy, group therapy, step work, readings, books, etc. in the world, I will not be truly healed and cleansed unless I come to know Christ and understand, accept, and FEEL His Atonement. I have always cheated my way through the repentance process. I even cheated aka weaseled my way back into the church when I was disfellowshipped 12 years ago. I will not do that again and for the sake of my salvation I can't do that again.

One would think my excommunication from the church would have had a devastating and emotional impact on me, but it hasn't it. I am a have been such a master at hiding and repressing my feelings that today I feel nothing. Sure, I might see a sad movie and want to cry or get angry and lash out or laugh at a funny joke, but for the most part I am dead pan. I feel no remorse, no pain, no empathy, even when I think of what I have done to my life, my wife, and my children.

But somewhere deep down inside me there is still hope. I KNOW I can overcome this addiction and experience that peace, serenity, and pure happiness that I so desperately desire. It won't be tomorrow, next week, or maybe even next year, but it's possible and it will happen.  My testimony and faith, regardless of what has happened continues to burn bright, strong, and true and is unwavering. Thank God for that, otherwise the outlook for my future would be very bleak indeed! I believe my excommunication is a good and necessary step in my recovery and for true repentance to occur. Yet it all comes down to ME and how badly I truly want it. Am I willing to do whatever it takes to get better and to seek out the Savior and develop a relationship w/ him? Will I stop lusting? Will I turn my life and will over to the care of God? Only 'the measure we give is the measure we get back.' (SA White Book).

I can do this.
I know I can.
And God knows it too, and he will help me. But I must ask Him for help.