Thursday, October 24, 2013


I've really missed writing out some of my thoughts and the things that are going on in my life when the mood passes through, so I've decided to start writing again. However, this time around I'm only going to write about the POSITIVE things happening in my life, my POSITIVE thoughts and musings, and to share my POSITIVE experiences of strength, growth, and hope. No more will I write about my endless sexual exploits, struggles, hook ups, and all my past mistakes. I will not continue to dwell on the negative things in my life and forever confess but never find peace.
Much has happened in the past few months. The 2 biggest occurrences were:

1) My addiction cycle has worsened. It has worsened to the point that I have been acting out (alone and w/ others) multiple times a day. I am consumed w/ lust. There is no end to my insatiable desires. Because of where I have been and the escalation of these desires and behaviors, 2) I went before an LDS Disciplinary Council and was Excommunicated from the Church.

I never could have imagined I would lose my membership in the church, but it has happened. I have no Spirit, no priesthood, no forever family, NOTHING.

Please know this came as a result of my own volition. I freely confessed all to my Bishop, and later, the Stake President. I was not caught and turned in or facing legal problems or anything like that. It was me, and me alone, and I knew what I had to do. My wife accompanied me and was with me through it all. Today, I feel no anger, no resentment, no bitterness, no animosity toward anyone in the church or toward the church in general. Only I have put me where I am today. One of the things the Council and I agreed on is there will be no healing nor true recovery if I do not find Christ. Even though I may have all the therapy, group therapy, step work, readings, books, etc. in the world, I will not be truly healed and cleansed unless I come to know Christ and understand, accept, and FEEL His Atonement. I have always cheated my way through the repentance process. I even cheated aka weaseled my way back into the church when I was disfellowshipped 12 years ago. I will not do that again and for the sake of my salvation I can't do that again.

One would think my excommunication from the church would have had a devastating and emotional impact on me, but it hasn't it. I am a have been such a master at hiding and repressing my feelings that today I feel nothing. Sure, I might see a sad movie and want to cry or get angry and lash out or laugh at a funny joke, but for the most part I am dead pan. I feel no remorse, no pain, no empathy, even when I think of what I have done to my life, my wife, and my children.

But somewhere deep down inside me there is still hope. I KNOW I can overcome this addiction and experience that peace, serenity, and pure happiness that I so desperately desire. It won't be tomorrow, next week, or maybe even next year, but it's possible and it will happen.  My testimony and faith, regardless of what has happened continues to burn bright, strong, and true and is unwavering. Thank God for that, otherwise the outlook for my future would be very bleak indeed! I believe my excommunication is a good and necessary step in my recovery and for true repentance to occur. Yet it all comes down to ME and how badly I truly want it. Am I willing to do whatever it takes to get better and to seek out the Savior and develop a relationship w/ him? Will I stop lusting? Will I turn my life and will over to the care of God? Only 'the measure we give is the measure we get back.' (SA White Book).

I can do this.
I know I can.
And God knows it too, and he will help me. But I must ask Him for help.

1 comment:

  1. Have you ever looked back on your life, even before birth and on through the years? I think if you do that you will see the many times when God was there for you even though you didn't realize it at the time. God has been there for you…think of those hard and difficult times when you struggled to understand why things went as they did. Even accidents or painful experiences.
    I did this quite a while ago, and still do at times when I am reminded of circumstances that before I just couldn't evaluate. I came to the conclusion that God saw every tear I shed, He was there every time I faced difficult stuff. He never gave up on me when I went against His will and sinned, putting my own life in danger by acting out sexually with other guys. God never stopped drawing me back and reminding me I needed Him above all. Today I realize I wouldn't have made it without Him, without His love. Though others may have abandoned me God never did, not even once. I am so thankful for that. Can you see God working in your life, look for it, even in this difficult and trying time in your life God is the One who is working to give you the desire to be free.

    Christ died for you my friend, He shed His blood for YOU, that's how much He loved/loves you. The price was paid for your sin, all you have to do is accept His gift of new life, surrender it all to Him. He is strong enough to carry your burden and give you victory you never thought possible.

    I'm cheering for you, you'll make it and perhaps even in the future be able to help others by what you have learned and experienced. Praying for you. Believe. YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR!