Much has happened in the past few months. The 2 biggest occurrences were:
1) My addiction cycle has worsened. It has worsened to the point that I have been acting out (alone and w/ others) multiple times a day. I am consumed w/ lust. There is no end to my insatiable desires. Because of where I have been and the escalation of these desires and behaviors, 2) I went before an LDS Disciplinary Council and was Excommunicated from the Church.
I never could have imagined I would lose my membership in the church, but it has happened. I have no Spirit, no priesthood, no forever family, NOTHING.
Please know this came as a result of my own volition. I freely confessed all to my Bishop, and later, the Stake President. I was not caught and turned in or facing legal problems or anything like that. It was me, and me alone, and I knew what I had to do. My wife accompanied me and was with me through it all. Today, I feel no anger, no resentment, no bitterness, no animosity toward anyone in the church or toward the church in general. Only I have put me where I am today. One of the things the Council and I agreed on is there will be no healing nor true recovery if I do not find Christ. Even though I may have all the therapy, group therapy, step work, readings, books, etc. in the world, I will not be truly healed and cleansed unless I come to know Christ and understand, accept, and FEEL His Atonement. I have always cheated my way through the repentance process. I even cheated aka weaseled my way back into the church when I was disfellowshipped 12 years ago. I will not do that again and for the sake of my salvation I can't do that again.
One would think my excommunication from the church would have had a devastating and emotional impact on me, but it hasn't it. I am a have been such a master at hiding and repressing my feelings that today I feel nothing. Sure, I might see a sad movie and want to cry or get angry and lash out or laugh at a funny joke, but for the most part I am dead pan. I feel no remorse, no pain, no empathy, even when I think of what I have done to my life, my wife, and my children.
But somewhere deep down inside me there is still hope. I KNOW I can overcome this addiction and experience that peace, serenity, and pure happiness that I so desperately desire. It won't be tomorrow, next week, or maybe even next year, but it's possible and it will happen. My testimony and faith, regardless of what has happened continues to burn bright, strong, and true and is unwavering. Thank God for that, otherwise the outlook for my future would be very bleak indeed! I believe my excommunication is a good and necessary step in my recovery and for true repentance to occur. Yet it all comes down to ME and how badly I truly want it. Am I willing to do whatever it takes to get better and to seek out the Savior and develop a relationship w/ him? Will I stop lusting? Will I turn my life and will over to the care of God? Only 'the measure we give is the measure we get back.' (SA White Book).
I can do this.
I know I can.
And God knows it too, and he will help me. But I must ask Him for help.