Monday, October 28, 2013

Help! I Need Somebody

To my readers, especially those of you who have been deeply entrenched in any sexual addition and have (or are) overcoming it, this one's for you. I need help and ANY advice you would be willing to share.
As I have written in the past, I am consumed w/ same sex lust. I am a slave to my flesh, my thoughts, my desires, my temptations. Even though I have had many periods of wild, sexual promiscuity in the past, I have never, EVER felt so lost and out of control as I do today.  I totally understand why it is said that addiction is a disease -  my brain and soul is being completely ravaged and eaten alive by this lust disease! I cannot stop my behaviors, and my acting out (w/ others) is becoming more and more regular, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. That is in addition to my own masturbation as I relive the experiences again and again and again in my head. I can't concentrate or remember things. I am mentally present or engaged in a conversation maybe 20% of the time; the rest of the time my mind is racing on other things. I can almost FEEL the damage being done in my head behind my eyes. My brain rot has almost become an actual physical feeling in my skull.

Each night I pray and ask for help and strength to get through the next day. Yet morning comes and that all-too-familiar tickle already begins. My resistance to say no or to chase the naughty thought from my head is nil.  I don't go to lunch w/ work friends any more. I spend my lunch hours cruising for hook ups. I don't make phone calls to other guys in recovery. I'm not "there" anyway. Sometimes I will be hunting for 2 or 3 hours at a time during lunch, or even in the middle of the afternoon. I have even been leaving work an hour early to cruise some more before going home w/ my 'everything's just dandy and I'm fine' mask. One would think my recent excommunication from the church would have sobered me up and I would be doing everything in my power to STOP! But I don't and I'm not. I am solely going through the motions: church, LDS addiction recovery meeting, my regular SA group, personal prayer and prayer w/ my wife, etc., yet for whatever reason that sure and true desire to stop is not there.

Before I end up going all the way (meaning performing oral sex or engaging in actual sex) w/ one of my hook ups and contracting a disease, or being fired from work for being MIA so often, or getting caught by the cops, a neighbor, or my wife, HOW can I just STOP? What is the magic pill or how do I spark a fire within my soul that will ignite and give me the strength and the desire to stop? In my heart of hearts I know I am sick. I know I have a problem and that it is killing me every way possible, even eternally. My sane mind knows what I am doing to my wife and family, but because my heart is void of empathy and emotion, it's hard for me to do it for those reasons alone. I do want to stop but lust's pull is too strong.

So I ask: what has helped you in the past to break out of your addiction cycle? If willing, please share w/ me what you have done to loose the chains around your neck. Help me put together an action list of things I could do that may help get me a day or more of sobriety/abstinence. How does one surrender this shit to God? How does a spiritual entity (God/Christ) help/change a physical entity (me)? I don't understand it! How does one "Let go and Let God?" How does one come to the sure knowledge that this entity (that I supposedly know so well b/c He is my Father and Creator) is the only one that can deliver me from this hell? How does that feeling just turn over one day in a person's soul? How do I muster up the strength and desire from within to overcome and fight this battle?

I get so angry when I hear of other people who have had that breakthrough and are able to begin healing via Christ's atonement. What did they do and how did they do it? What can I do? Where do I begin? What actual PHYSICAL steps and actions do I take?

Please help. Please help, meaning, please give me the information I seek that may help light that fire within ME, because in the end, YOU can't help me. Nobody can really help me. This all has to come from within my own heart, mind, and soul. But perhaps you may plant some seeds that take root.


  1. Maybe it is time to check yourself in to rehab?

    1. How? How do I put my life on hold for 2 weeks, a month, 6 weeks, etc. and check myself into a $50K+ rehab center? That's all swell and dandy for rich movie stars or those that have multiple incomes, but how does one tell just hit the pause button on life? How is this done?

  2. I really worry about you. You know that I love you. I wish I had the magic answer for which you are seeking, but I do not. I do not think I even have the seeds for you to plant. But, this is what I am thinking:

    When I was "acting out", in retrospect, it was because I was not having my needs met. I did not have people who understood me. I felt like no one loved me. I felt used and thrown away by people and the ones whom I loved. I was also dealing with the ramifications of sexual and physical abuse that had happened to me as a child. And, I was dealing with coming to terms of being a gay woman in the church. So, lots going on all at the same time.

    I decided I had had enough of everything and everyone. I no longer cared if my acting out was wrong. I was done. With everything. I was actually on my way (driving) up the canyon near where I live, to end it all, when I got pulled over by a policeman. I thought I was going to get a hefty ticket, but I did not care, as I knew it was going to be a ticket I would never pay for. I stewed in my anger while I waited for the officer to bring back my ticket.

    When he finally came back to my car, he handed me my documents, and said, "Slow down. And, I'm not giving you a ticket." I was so shocked- I clearly deserved a ticket. I was flabbergasted that he was not giving me the ticket. After he left, I started the engine of my car up again, with the intent to go and "finish the deed". I had barely driven a few yards when the enormity of what had just NOT happened hit me.

    He did not give me a ticket. Why hadn't he? At that moment, I felt Heaven telling me, "We love you. It is not necessary to kill yourself because you are gay. We love you." I began to weep as I felt clearly and fully Heaven's great love for me. The officer, by not giving me the ticket, had, unwittingly, saved my life. Had he given me the ticket, it would only have fueled further my anger, my feelings of being distraught, my sadness at having no one who loved me, etc., and I would have simply driven faster to the place I was going to end my life. By not giving me the ticket, I was, for the first time, able to listen and feel what Heaven was trying to tell me, that They loved me and did not want me dead.

    That was a huge turning point in my life. Since then, I have never looked back. I have been at peace with being gay and in the church. My acting out stopped because I KNEW I was loved, and by Whom. I still had a lot of hard things through which to go, but I could do it because I was now at peace. And, Heaven loved me and was on my side.

    I so want something like this for you, something to be the catalyst for the change for which you are seeking. You are right- a seed gets planted, it gets nourished, the sun shines upon it, it receives the water and food it needs, and the seed grows into something wonderous and amazing.

    I wish I knew what the seed for you is because I would be giving it to you so fast. You know that you are being consumed by your addictions and the things you are doing. Dr. Phil said it best, and just the other day. He said, "Behavior has a beginning and an end. When you stop doing the thing, it no longer exists. You are done with it." Just don't do what it is you are doing. Don't make it a huge thing. Don't make it overwhelming. Just stop doing it. And, let Heaven's love, and the love of others for you, seep into your heart and let LOVE be the catalyst for your change.

    Wow- how about an ear full you just got from me. Sorry. But, it is all true. And, I say it because you KNOW I love you. It is something you have felt and I know you know that I do. So does your wife. So do your children. Let them matter to you. Stop doing what you are doing. That is all. Stop.

    I love you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    1. Duck - thank you, thank you, thank you for your wonderful, encouraging words of comfort :) I appreciate you sharing your experiences w/ me. Thank you for being a 'lift up' instead of a 'tear down'. XOXO

    2. I have been thinking about you all week. How are you doing? Have you found anything you feel will or can be a catalyst to the change you so want? I so sincerely hope you find it.

      As I said before, I do worry about you. I do not want you to be hurt any longer. I know the Savior loves you and does not want you to be in pain. He can help you get beyond it. I know He can for He has done that for me. I come from a background of horrific sexual and physical abuse. The Savior carried me away from all the pain and brought me to a joy and happiness I did not even know existed.

      On my blog, in the "stand alones", is a post I wrote titled "The Infirmary". I hope you will read it- it, hopefully, can explain how the love of Heaven has changed my life. (My web site is:

      I love you. ;) You are in my thoughts and prayers. I worry about you. I hope you can find peace and joy. And, that you are OK. are you?

      Happy night, Duck

    3. Hi Duck. I'm ok. At least, I think I am. I never know anymore.

      Thank you for sharing your Infirmary post. I also read your other 'stand alone' about the Savior. Simple and sweet and I enjoyed reading your testimony. :) It was refreshing, to say the least. I sure hope I can know and FEEL how you do about the Savior some day rather than just pretend or simply have the desire. That's the kicker. And everybody has to come into the light by themselves. There is no exact way to do it. It must be personal. I hate that :P I want a sure-fire way. Something exact and definite. The Spirit has been so touch and go w/ me for so long that I don't know when or if I'm actually feeling his presence or it's just me wanting it or confusing it w/ something else.

      Thank you again for checking back in.
      Here's to another day for both of us!

  3. Ever think that maybe you just gay? Maybe all of this "acting out" happens because you love men and the more you repress it the more it rises to the surface. I can tell you that I was exactly like you. But once I stopped judging myself by the misguided teachings of the LDS church, admitted who I was to my wife and loved ones and accepted and began to love myself, EVERYTHING got better. I don't act out sexually any longer and I have started down a fantastic path in my life. All the pain and the difficulty have been worth it. Until you stop trying to be something you're not, you'll continue to be tortured and in agony. Just my $.02

    1. I appreciate your ¢.02 anon, but I do not agree and it really isn't that easy. You see, A) I happen to have a firm and solid testimony in the church and won't be turning my back on it anytime soon; and B) my SSA, SGA, same sex lust, whatever you want to call it ends solely at the sex w/ men. I do not desire nor feel a void for a relationship, love, affection, etc. w/ a man. That, to me, feels foreign. Thank goodness; otherwise I'd be in a much more complicated situation. This is the very reason why I am not involved in many of the gay, LDS support groups. The majority of these men feel trapped and are struggling internally b/c they can't reconcile their belief in the church and gospel w/ how they're feeling inside. They want to love and be loved by a man, but that isn't congruent w/ gospel teachings, so they have a choice: stay in the church, remain abstinant and work to understand and deal w/ their attraction, or leave the church and gay it up.

      I believe for a person to come out and say "Yep, I'm gay" and then live it complete w/ the lifestyle, sex, love, and relationships, is the easy way out. It irritates me that this is what the 'out and free' gay people (like yourself) always tell me to do...."You'll be so much happer! Accept who you are! Have sex w/ who you want! Masturbate whenever you want and feel guilt no more! Eat, drink and be merry! It's all good. There's no consequence! You'll be "happy" living as who you 'really' are! You're gay and you always will be! Stop living a lie! Come and join us. After all, you were born this way and cannot change who you are so stop trying!"

      You know something, I know WHO I am, WHY I am the way I am, and WHAT I'm all about. You don't. All you know about me is from reading posts I have written on my blog about the struggles I've been having. You don't know the things that make me happy, the memories I have, the relationship I have w/ my wife and children, my faith or beliefs in the things I hold dear, or my hopes for the future. I'm comfortable w/ my sexuality and those in my life that I trust know about me as well. I don't consider myself straight, gay or bi-sexual. I can't, won't and don't put a simple label on myself. It's not black and white. We're not just sheep and goats, heteros vs. homos. I truly love and adore my wife and children. I am happy and safe and at peace when I am w/ them. My wife and I have a great sexual relationship and I enjoy having sex w/ her. I'm not faking it until I make it. I'm not living a lie. What lie am I living? That I am sexually aroused by men and that my sexual preference lies majorly (though not soley) w/ men? Am I hiding these feelings inside from my family and friends? Do I believe I will always have these sexual feelings, tendencies, and arousals? Yep. They're not going anywhere anytime soon and I do not deny I have major unmet and unresolved needs of acceptance by men.

      So if I understand you correctly, just because I like to have sex w/ men it means I must (or need to) cast my faith, family, and life as I know it aside and then come out, find myself a nice man I can 'fall in love w/' and who I can snuggle on the couch while we watch TV together, and somone I can have great (non-guilt) sex w/ whenever I want, invite home to Thanksgiving dinners w/ my family, and grow old with that that will be the missing link? I will have finally found that missing piece, right!??

      If that is happiness to you and to many of the other gay people in the world, that's great and fine. You are YOU and only YOU know what brings YOU true and lasting happiness. For me, that isn't it. That's not what I want and that's not what I'm lacking nor searching for.

      I'm sorry, but any future "just come out and be gay" responses will be ignored.

    2. You're so silly. You have a "firm and solid testimony" in something that just isn't true. It's like someone having a firm and solid testimony in Santa Clause or the Easter bunny or that the earth is flat. No amount of faith on your part makes the claims and teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints true. But that's for you to discover on your own, as so many millions have. Once you can cut yourself loose from that anchor, a lot more stuff becomes clear and you'll know how to proceed with the ones that you love. I love my exwife and kids too. Now that we are all living in truth and full knowledge, all of our lives have improved many times over. We have found a way to expand the borders of our family to include all of us and those we love and will love in the future. It has taken work and many many tears have been shed along the way. It's repulsive to the LDS church, but to us it is HOME.

      Quit lying to youself about your stupid "sex addiction." That's just code for " I want to have my cake and eat it too." Man up and stop this game. One day she and your kids will thank you for it. The only one standing in your way is YOU.

    3. Holy cow, Anonymous! Well said! I've experienced the same thing in my journey. Home is what you make it.

  4. You've asked for help, so why are you so adamantly killing the messenger? I understand we are all different. Anons path may not be yours, but I think his thoughts were given sincerely with a desire to help.

    I've been on the cycle you describe. Consuming lust, acting out, overwhelming guilt, consuming lust, acting out... Perhaps my acting out was a bit more than yours, but the result was the same. I was ashamed of who I was. I didn't like myself. I wondered why my struggles seemed so intense. I wondered how come I wasn't "normal."

    This was all somewhere around 25-30 years ago. I'm now a middle (or more!) aged man. I understand now that my compulsions of youth had nothing to do with my attractions, but with other, deep seated insecurities. I needed and wanted approval from other men, and I got it. I never had a hard time getting what I wanted back then. I could take my pick of the best looking guys, and I was particular. It was heady stuff to think I was desirable. It was addicting. I don't think a drug could have given me a bigger high. Now I'm one of the "scary old men" that I would see cruising and that turned my stomach. Not that I cruise anymore, because I don't. Did I just out grow it? Maybe partly, but much of it had to do with finally coming to terms with what I was doing to my wife and how horrendously I had been treating her. I spent many years hiding my actions. She knew I was attracted to men and she accepted that. What she didn't realize was what I did when I was away from her. I did get suicidal at one point when living a lie became too much. I needed to tell her more. I needed to tell her I thought I was not just attracted to men, but that I was gay. Four years ago I finally did that. At first I didn't quite understand what was needed on my part. I still held some of my actions and thoughts to myself. I still sometimes felt that familiar sexual compulsion that wanted an outlet.

    Then came a point where I pushed my wife too far. She finally made me realize that no matter if we divorced or stayed together, she deserved love and respect, not necessarily because she was my wife and the mother of our children, but because she was a person who in reality was being emotionally abused. That moment was a wake up call and made me realize this is not all about me and my problems. This is about someone I care a great deal about. It's about my kids that deserve a dad that is there for them emotionally as well as financially. . I understand you don't consider yourself gay but that isn't the point. If you are hiding something from your wife, then something is wrong. I don't care if you're straight and addicted to sex, there is still something going on that is hidden and not in the open. In my opinion there needs to be a way for all of that to find light.

    My church life for the time being is on low flame. Whether it fully reignites remains to be seen. I've gone from being angry at the church, to being non-judgmental to both the church and those in it. I concentrate on living my life honorably, and everyone has the capacity to do that with or without the church.

    1. Thank you for this, anon. I loved the part when you shared your wake-up call; when you finally realized it wasn't all about you and that your wife and children did not deserve such emotional abuse at your hands! They are people who deserve love and respect and honesty. Thanks again :)

  5. I wonder why you decided to call your blog the dark passenger? When I decided to call my blog Forever Silent, it was because I thought I would always have to remain silent due to the situation I am in. It's my hope that some day I can change that. I am concerned that if you visualize yourself in a negative light all the time you will remain "Dark".

    I can remember a time when I didn't constantly think about being gay. But something dawned on me about 15 years ago and I became obsessed with that part of my character. It almost blotted out everything else in my life. Many times I wished I could just go back to that place where I had previously been but for some reason I needed to except that hidden of me and come to terms with it.

    What anonymous wrote in the previous comment struck a chord with me and I think he is not the only gay/bisexual/SSA/married Mormon to come to those conclusions. One of the best things I could do for myself would to be to throw away my computer and get back to basics in the Church.

    Another thing that would help me so much would be to have someone that I could talk with openly about all this stuff. But for now I must remain forever silent until that someone comes along.

  6. Two thoughts reading these comments...

    1) Sexuality is much more than just about sex. If the focus is only on sex when intimacyeven more than sex is what is really needed then you will always feel that you are not getting what you need. Thus the vicious cycle of feeling needy - sex - feeling needy - more sex - and so on and so forth.

    2) The closet is about managing stigma by keeping your secret hidden from others. The irony is that you don't know how big a price you are pay for doing whatever it takes to keep your secret until you are no longer in the closet. The closet is an abnormal state and it would be abnormal not to feel crazed in an abnormal state.


  7. I don't know if this applies to your situation.

    I fought my homosexuality with all my might for years and the only thing that fighting guaranteed was that I would do nothing but think about sex. Before I finally gave up the fight, I had nearly destroyed myself and by extension my marriage. Near the end my mind was in such a whirl that it was like I was in a wind tunnel.

    I learned the hard way that I could not change my sexuality and trying to change my sexuality was only going to drive me crazy. I think what I experienced is not uncommon among a lot of gay people before they come out.

    So, like the tree that bends so it doesn't break, I now find ways to express my sexuality that are non-threatening to my wife and within my value system. Ironically my value system has changed little except to allow gay into my worldview. I now equate homosexuality with heterosexuality so I now view my sexuality on an even playing field with the sexuality of my heterosexual peers.

    Why I don't know if this applies to your situation is because I don't know what is driving your madness. What was driving my madness was my continual fighting to purge everything gay from my being - and that all that fighting, especially clinging so tightly to the closet, made things worse because it made it near impossible for me to know who I was or connect to my own feelings.


  8. I read your blog fairly often, and there is something that has bothered me.... I don't want to make you mad, or offend you, and I'm not even sure how to say it, but you did ask for advice. You can delete my comment if you want: You tend to be too graphic in the descriptions of your struggles and when you do give in...... if you're that graphic on a blog where you talk about trying to get past your SSA, it sounds like you're focusing on the bad stuff too much. Focus more on God, things that will help you. We tend to focus so much on the struggle, and yes, it is a big thing, that we make it bigger than God. I'd advise dialing back the graphic stuff in your mind and on here...... and sorry if I offended you

    1. Hi Struggler. Thank you for comments and your observation. I promise I'm not offended, so no worries ;) And you are absolutely right. The majority of my blog has been me re-living my sordid sexual experiences and describing every detail. That is wrong. I was actually going to close my blog, but since my excommunication and desire to control/overcome I wanted to write about things I'm learning about myself, my addiction, and my growth. I realize I don't need to constantly berate myself and talk about my screw ups. There was a time it was helpful for me to get some of that garbage out of my head b/c I couldn't tell a single soul about some of it. But I don't need to talk about it anymore. Thank again!