Monday, November 4, 2013

Time to Tell The Folks

There comes that point in every "gay" person's life that they must/need/should tell their parents about their sexuality. Alas, that time has come for me, whether I want to or not. I plan to tell my parents by the end of the week. This disclosure comes as a result of my recent excommunication and my daughter's upcoming baptism.

Would I have told my parents about my sexuality and struggles if these things hadn't or weren't occurring right now at this point of my life? Most definitely not. Being a father in my mid 30's I don't really think I need to run to my mommy and daddy and spill my guts about all of this and who their son really is. I don't really 'need' anything they could give me. But the Stake Presidency told me perhaps they can give me some support or help that I wouldn't receive otherwise. Perhaps that's true. Plus my wife pointed out that I'm withholding an opportunity for THEM to grow and serve. Interesting perspective.

I have always been the apple of my parents' eyes, especially my mother's. I'm the youngest child after a large gap of years. I was the musically talented, Eagle scout, honor roll student, etc. I was pretty much given everything I wanted and spoon fed until I was about 28. It was very difficult for my wife and I to get out from under my parent's thumb and be grown ups and do our own thing, but we did, and I have been fiercely independent ever since then. My parent's caught me masturbating and messing around w/ my cousins quite frequently when I was younger and it was always a dirty, naughty thing; which was all the more reason to sneak and hide my behaviors and secret life. I have TREMENDOUS anxiety with disappointing my parents. I don't know why or where that comes from but that is the part of this I am looking forward to the least. And once it's out there, it's out there, and there's no taking it back. EVERYTHING will change as I know it. Maybe it will be better, or worse, but one thing's for sure: it has to happen. And it has to happen this week.

It would be one thing for me to go to my parents and say, "I have a problem w/ alcohol.... or gambling....or am in debt." Or even that I'm having an affair with another woman! HAHA. Nope, I have to tell my parents I'm a major sex addict, that I've been excommunicated from the church, and oh, by the way, I like having sex w/ men! 3 major bombshells...boom, boom, boom!

I don't worry that my parents will freak out and disown me or anything like that. I know they will be genuinely concerned and caring and help however they can. But it's just so embarrassing, and shameful! I can't even imagine what my dad will be thinking in his head! "My son likes dick." Um, ugh :P

I think I'm more nervous about coming out to my parents than I was when I had to go before the disciplinary council. But I must remember it'll soon all be over and then we can finally move on and hopefully I will receive some unexpected support and help. Then my parents will understand why I can't baptize my daughter and why I haven't been attending the temple or playing the organ. It will all make sense. No more secrets. No more dark, cobweb-filled corners.

Here we go.