Monday, November 4, 2013

Time to Tell The Folks

There comes that point in every "gay" person's life that they must/need/should tell their parents about their sexuality. Alas, that time has come for me, whether I want to or not. I plan to tell my parents by the end of the week. This disclosure comes as a result of my recent excommunication and my daughter's upcoming baptism.

Would I have told my parents about my sexuality and struggles if these things hadn't or weren't occurring right now at this point of my life? Most definitely not. Being a father in my mid 30's I don't really think I need to run to my mommy and daddy and spill my guts about all of this and who their son really is. I don't really 'need' anything they could give me. But the Stake Presidency told me perhaps they can give me some support or help that I wouldn't receive otherwise. Perhaps that's true. Plus my wife pointed out that I'm withholding an opportunity for THEM to grow and serve. Interesting perspective.

I have always been the apple of my parents' eyes, especially my mother's. I'm the youngest child after a large gap of years. I was the musically talented, Eagle scout, honor roll student, etc. I was pretty much given everything I wanted and spoon fed until I was about 28. It was very difficult for my wife and I to get out from under my parent's thumb and be grown ups and do our own thing, but we did, and I have been fiercely independent ever since then. My parent's caught me masturbating and messing around w/ my cousins quite frequently when I was younger and it was always a dirty, naughty thing; which was all the more reason to sneak and hide my behaviors and secret life. I have TREMENDOUS anxiety with disappointing my parents. I don't know why or where that comes from but that is the part of this I am looking forward to the least. And once it's out there, it's out there, and there's no taking it back. EVERYTHING will change as I know it. Maybe it will be better, or worse, but one thing's for sure: it has to happen. And it has to happen this week.

It would be one thing for me to go to my parents and say, "I have a problem w/ alcohol.... or gambling....or am in debt." Or even that I'm having an affair with another woman! HAHA. Nope, I have to tell my parents I'm a major sex addict, that I've been excommunicated from the church, and oh, by the way, I like having sex w/ men! 3 major bombshells...boom, boom, boom!

I don't worry that my parents will freak out and disown me or anything like that. I know they will be genuinely concerned and caring and help however they can. But it's just so embarrassing, and shameful! I can't even imagine what my dad will be thinking in his head! "My son likes dick." Um, ugh :P

I think I'm more nervous about coming out to my parents than I was when I had to go before the disciplinary council. But I must remember it'll soon all be over and then we can finally move on and hopefully I will receive some unexpected support and help. Then my parents will understand why I can't baptize my daughter and why I haven't been attending the temple or playing the organ. It will all make sense. No more secrets. No more dark, cobweb-filled corners.

Here we go.

4 comments:

  1. Best of luck to you in telling your parents. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am sending good energy to you and hope all goes well. Love, Duck

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good luck friend. I can so relate to your feelings about "acceptable" sins vs homosexuality. Those thoughts tore me apart when I was a believer and are still there under the surface today. I won't say everything will be alright because I don't know that. But I do know there's a freedom that comes from putting the secrets to bed.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi! It has been several days since last you wrote. You have been on my mind, again. Are you OK? Is there anything that I can do for you? Wishing you luck, courage, and love to face your parents with the things of your life with which you currently are working. Hoping always for your safety and happiness. I love you, Duck

    ReplyDelete
  4. I heard at a conference this weekend something interesting that I am considering the very same thing. The speaker reminded us that our parents are one of the few people in our world who receive direct revelation for us. They always will. We can take advantage of that. I loved that thought. Not sure I will follow the advice but perhaps it will give you courage.

    ReplyDelete