Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Here's to a New Year - THANK HEAVEN

2014 was simply the worst year thus far in my life. I simply can't think back over all the events or review my journal w/o getting sick to my stomach. Depression, darkness, suicidal-thoughts, addiction, sadness, confusion, heaviness, emptiness, numbness, struggle, and instability were paramount this past year. And the horrible list could go on and on. I told my wife it is if I have been in a lucid coma, or lobotomized. It was frightening.

I am, however, happy to say I am still here and alive, on December 31, 2014 with optimism and excitement for the new year that lies ahead. I usually hate New Years, as it always feels like the end of something. But this year I am embracing that death and running toward the purity and possibilities ahead.

Thank you for being along w/ me in my journey. It's one hell of a ride, isn't it? HAHA
May 2015 bring all of us much joy, peace, love, and friendship. May we love one another, forgive one another, support one another, and help one another on their way.

Happy New Year 2015 and God Bless! <3

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Let's Play Master and Servant

Dominate: To rule over; govern; control.
Submit: To give over or yield to the power or authority of another.

As men, our role in this life is to dominate. I don't mean that with a negative connotation; but, simply put, we are the strong, brave, headstrong, valiant protectors. We are the fighters; the hunters;  the defenders. We are to preside, protect and provide for our women and families. We help them feel safe and secure and are asked to boldly defend them, our country, our freedoms, etc. Even though men and women, husbands and wives, are to be "equal partners" in this life, a woman's role is primarily to 'serve' her husband and submit to him. It is, or should be, the man who is the bread winner and the decision maker. The man is confident and courageous, strong and noble.

I love being a man. I have no secret desire to be a woman. I'm happy w/ who I am (to an extent), but not particularly who I am. While I am ok w/ being a man and the responsibility that comes w/ it sometimes I don't feel like I can or want to fill the shoes I am supposed to fill as a man. Sometimes I don't want to be the strong protector and provider. Sometimes I don't want to be the wise decision maker that stands gallant and fearless at the head of my family. Too often I feel scared, powerless, weak, tired, confused, and unconfident; all the things a man shouldn't feel or be as he fills the role as the fearless dominater.

I want someone to protect me and watch over me.
I want to put my head on the strong chest of a man as I lie next to him in bed or on the couch.
I want to feel a man's arms around me at the movie or hugging me and holding me so tight it hurts.
I want to be under a man as he dominates me and takes control and does w/ me as he wishes.

I have talked to my wife about these feelings I have been having lately, especially my intense cravings to be dominated by a man. I have told her all of it, holding nothing back. She said that perhaps these feelings come from a lifetime of being beat down by others, all the while spoon fed by my parents and never feeling like I have control over my life. I basically had my ass wiped by my parents until well after I was married! I never had to work growing up. I was given everything and anything I wanted. I was completely spoiled rotten. While I can't blame my parents for how fucked up I am today as a man and husband, I know a lot of it does have to do w/ my upbringing.

I have written a lot in the past about feeling like I am floating through my life. I have no idea what I want or where I am going or how to get there. I'm so very scared about EVERYTHING. I can't make decisions on my own or for myself. I feel like I don't have control in my life like I used to (having children will definitely do that to you). So, presumably, I want someone to come in and take control of me FOR me. It does make sense when I look at it like that. The trick is to grow some fucking balls and start taking control of my life and leading out and becoming who I want to be! To become more confident and self-assured and resolute and secure and capable.

2 questions that remain: 1) Can I do this, and 2) If so, then how?

Monday, October 13, 2014

Excommunication...One Year Later

Today, Oct 13 2014, marks 1 year to the day since I was excommunicated from the LDS (Mormon) church.

Today I've been reflecting on all that has happened this past year and also to ask myself how am I doing? Where am I at in my road to getting back into full fellowship? Where is my heart, my intentions, my faith and desire? The simple answer to those questions: I don't know. I don't know where I'm at; I don't even know how to answer any of those questions. It's as if my mind has drawn a blank. It doesn't want to find and agree on an answer. It's almost as if I am spiritually and mentally detached.

I still have my testimony. That has not changed nor will it ever change! I truly believe in the truthfulness of this gospel and everything that comes w/ it. But I am spiritually weak - to the point I am truly frightened by how weak I am. The desire to get back into the church and take the steps I have to take to do so is null. I am not ready mentally or spiritually to be re-baptized; yet I'm not doing anything about it and I have no idea why. That's what scares me. As tumultuous as things are in the world today I am left floating around in it, left to my own devices, w/ no safety in the gospel or in covenants I have made or am keeping.  I have no relationship w/ God. I have no relationship w/ Christ. I have no desire to pray, read my scriptures, fast, or attend church meetings. I didn't watch or listen to one word of General Conference two weeks ago b/c I had absolutely no desire to do so. In fact, I looked at Gen'l Conference as more of an irritation. I don't want to involve myself in sugary-sweet social activities. I don't want to do ANYTHING.

What is wrong w/ me? Am I lazy? Am I prideful? Am I spiritually dead? Is there someone or something else inside my head that is keeping me from goodness and the light? I wish you could be in my head for a few minutes to experience the deadness I feel. It is a very real thing, even though there is nothing there to feel at all.


Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Craving Male Affection

One of the questions I hate the very most is, "how are you doing?" I hate it b/c I don't know what kind of a response to give. What do they want to know? What is their intention by even asking me? And I'm not talking about the gas station attendant or the little old lady at the grocery store. I'm talking about my close friends and other acquaintances that supposedly "care about" and "love" me. Do they really, truly care? Do they really want me to lay it on them?  I 'm pretty sure they don't want me to delve into all the reasons I'm a complete fucktard so I typically give the general, canned response of "fine". Plus, I don't really know how to answer that question properly b/c I myself don't even know how I'm doing or what I am feeling. I am simply existing.

I haven't been doing very well lately. My old habits have been rearing their ugly head. I have been acting out w/ anon guys again on a pretty regular basis. This time around, however, it hasn't been just mutual j/o sessions in the car together. It's been the full monty (full-on sex). My decline has been pretty rapid over the course of the summer. I think a lot of it has to do w/ me not giving a shit about a  whole lot anymore. What started out as watching porn and jacking off once or twice a day, has quickly escalated to 8-9 times a day. This week I had a hook up w/ a guy from Craigslist on Monday. Then I had another anon hook up on Tuesday with a different guy (today is Wednesday, by the way). When I was in Europe for work a few weeks ago I went to a German gay bar/club and ended up barebacking 4 different guys. It was dark and hot, yet I left feeling extremely unfulfilled and unsatisfied in the end (to an extent).

One thing I have noticed this time around that is so, so different than times past is my heart isn't solely in the fucking and getting off. I realize the principal reason why I am having these encounters is for the male affection I desperately crave and need. The affection is where it is at; it's the cat's pajamas and it is ├╝ber more fulfilling than the actual fuck fest. In regards to all my hook ups lately, I spend a lot of the time kissing, touching, rubbing, hugging, holding, massaging, etc.  Of course, it does inevitably end w/ him usually sucking me off or asking me to fuck him, which I oblige. But that isn't what is fulfilling me anymore. I want the connection, the affection, the emotion, the passion, the tenderness, the closeness. I have never felt that before. In all the 100's of sexual hookups I have had in my lifetime I never cared about the closeness or affection or emotion. But all that has changed since my relationship this past Spring. For whatever reason he changed me; and I'm so glad he did. It's very different now, which a good thing, and I look at all this gay shit I deal w/ under a new light.

Now if I can just harness my anon passion and desires and find a good friend or someone that I can have and share all those feelings and emotions and affection w/ but still keep things on the up and up and appropriate, I'll be golden. He's out there and I'll find him.




Wednesday, August 20, 2014

My Mid-Life Crisis

As I look over and assess my life this past year, I think the only conclusion I can make is that I've been in the throes of  a mid-life crisis. I can't be sure that's exactly what it is as I'm only 35, but given my attitude, feelings, thoughts and actions these past 9 months, I'm pretty sure that's what has been happening. A friend recently told me that he likes to think a mid-life crisis is a kind of tipping point - when our thoughts, dreams, goals, hopes, and expectations suddenly meet our reality. The web defines it as "an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle age."

The following are tell-tell signs of a mid-life (which, frighteningly enough, I have or am experiencing every single one):

  • Unhappiness with life and the lifestyle that may have provided them with happiness for many years.
  • Boredom with people and things that may have been of interest to them before.
  • Feeling a need for adventure and change.
  • Questioning the choices, they have made in their lives and the validity of decisions they made years before.
  • Confusion about who they are and where they are going.
  • Anger at their spouse and blame for feeling tied down.
  • Unable to make decisions about where they want to go with their life.
  • Doubt that they ever loved their spouse and resentment over the marriage.
  • A desire for a new and passionate, intimate relationships.
  • Desiring to quit a good job.
  • Unexplained bouts of depression when doing tasks that used to make you happy.
  • Changing or investigating new religions, churches or new age philosophy.
  • Change of habits. Activities which used to bring pleasure now are boring. Unable to complete or concentrate on tasks which used to be easy.
  • It feels good to get hurt.
  • Wanting to run away from everything.
  • Irritability or unexpected anger.
  • Thinking about death, wondering about the nature of death.
  • A desire to surround yourself with different settings.
  • Feeling trapped or tied down by fiscal responsibilities.

Some of the personal shit I've been dealing w/ these past 9 months:

~My sexual behaviors escalated to the point I was excommunicated from the church, but I don't yet have the desire to get back in;
~Reassessing my beliefs in God, life, death, my purpose,  what is to come, etc.;
~A deep, dark depression that almost ended in my suicide;
~I started smoking  (again) 1/2 pack a day. It has now been 6 months which is the longest stint of smoking I've ever had. But I can't quit;
~Wanting/preparing to change my job even though a lot of people would die to have the freedom, opportunity, history and influence I have there;
~Putting my house up for sale even though we just moved in last year;
~Going back to school (accepted, haven't started) and completely changing career paths;
~Moving away/changing states and climates;
~Falling in love w/ a man & having an affair w/ him - my first "love" affair w/ a man;
~After 10 years of marriage, almost leaving my wife and children to pursue a gay lifestyle;
~Losing interest in just about everything - friends, hobbies, movies, family, work, church, etc.;
~Almost getting my scrotum/cock pierced - WTF;
~Desire for high-risk activities and adventures and not fearing bodily harm or injury or even death.

The scary part of all this is I feel so damn weird all of the time. I feel as if I'm lost in time; just passing the days and disassociated w/ myself and reality. I can't believe it's almost September again and we're moving toward another long, gray, cold, dark, depressing fucking winter! I honestly don't know how all of this is going to turn out in the end. I wish I could see where I'm going to be at in 1 year's time and if all of this is going to pass and iron itself out, but I unfortunately cannot.

Who the fuck am I?
Where the fuck do I want to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years?
What the fuck are my likes/dislikes?
What the fuck do I believe in?
What the fuck do I want to do w/ the rest of my life?
What the fuck do I enjoy doing in my spare time?
What the fuck are my likes/dislikes?


Monday, July 28, 2014

An Illusive Fantasy

I recently came across a post by another gay Mormon blogger. I loved, loved, loved his post. I thought it extremely stirring and moving and it was a very surreal feeling...to read the thoughts, feelings, and fantasies I have stirring around in my brain but written by another. To add insult to injury, the things written almost came to fruition for me this past spring. While I love to read and reread the words that were written, in the end, I have to conclude that his post was (to some extent) fictitious.

Don't get me wrong, I think that the scenario painted would be the actuality for a while. But the magic (as written) would eventually fade, as it always inevitably does. Whether gay or straight, the honeymoon "Disney" phase eventually wears off and life happens. Every day isn't as magical and perfect as it may have once been or seemed. You get tired of their stinky morning breath, or farting in bed, or leaving dirty clothes all over the place, or not washing the dishes or keeping their car clean. Yada Yada. Of course the love for the person is still there and can be as strong as it was in the beginning, but you have to prepare yourself for the fact that love/relationships isn't how it is depicted in the movies, or in books, or fairy tales.

Could I have a relationship w/ another man and be happy? Yep. Have I experienced those feelings and fantasies for another dude before? Yep. Would our relationship be how it is represented in this blog post? Yep. At least it would for a while anyway. But I do believe that time would wear on and I would begin to miss some of the other things I once had; the things I lost when I tried to find happiness elsewhere.



Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Life Goes On

It's interesting how my life works. The seasons come and go; my mood and attitude ebb and flow like the waves of the ocean; experiences and memories happen and then sometimes fade; reality and emotion swirls around and within me like a storm.

It's been one hell of a spring for me. I have never been closer to suicide than I have been before. I had and lost the first guy I have ever loved. I almost closed and locked my heart away from my wife and family. My relationship w/ God and Christ is more distant and estranged than ever. I feel like I'm stuck on an exercise bike, constantly peddling but going no where. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be truly happy again and experience the peace and content I so desperately desire.

One thing this past relationship taught me was you only go through this life once. Do what makes YOU happy and don't live your life for anybody else. Of course, he was meaning it more to be 'come out, accept yourself as a gay man, and live your life.'  While I do understand this and a part of me does yearn for it, I cannot do that. Simply  b/c my testimony of the gospel is too intense and strong and cannot be waived. He didn't understand this. He did make me happy and I have never felt content and repletion quite like that before. But I made my choice. I am continuing forward in my marriage and relationship w/ my wife and will continue to battle w/ my same sex attraction the best I can. But the gospel is really the only thing that is keeping me anchored; even the love I have for my wife and children isn't strong enough to hold me anymore.

Will it get any easier? As the world around us gets gayer and gayer by the day, will I be able to continue to resist the call of the wild? Who knows. But for now, I am not leaving my wife and children and the life we have together and embracing my homosexuality.

Am I gay? Yes, I am. And I accept that. But my situation is precarious and now it's time to start making peace w/ it, even though I'm in the situation I am in (at my own choice).

After many lonely and broken days, tears, trials, and hardships, I am ready to take control of my life once again and start making some positive changes and steps in a different (and hopefully right) direction. This change, for me, is scary but is necessary. Rather than continue to pass day after day, month after month, and year after year at my current job that is taking me nowhere (yet providing a comfortable living), and growing older and more restless, I have decided to make some major alterations to my life...

A) I am going to list my home for sale and hopefully make a small profit on the improvements we have made;
B) I am putting in a 3 month notice at my current job, where I have been at for almost 8 years;
C) I have applied for a Master's Program in something I have always wanted to do and am just waiting for a letter of acceptance;
D) I am bidding adieu to Idaho and moving somewhere warm and sunshiny - perhaps permanently, but for now, temporarily while I finish school;
E) I am selling our '08 Honda Odyssey for something a little older, but that I can buy out-right and save myself a monthly car payment;
F) I am going to continue to get more active in the LDS SSA community and be an example and help to others who also carry this cross.

Given I do not have the Holy Ghost w/ me anymore, I'm trying to sort through my feelings and emotions and decipher for myself if this is a good thing for my family and I at this time. I do not feel any apprehension or anxiety about any of  this and I have to take that as a good thing. I suppose if it's meant to be, things will fall into place and everything will happen as it should.

So that's where I'm at. Even though it was a terribly dark, gloomy and melancholy winter and spring, I'm hoping I can take that hurt and pain and use it as a springboard to help drive me into a more glorious and happy future.

Here's to exciting changes and new beginnings!

I really liked this poem I found on DeviantArt. Thanks be to BrOkEn2NiTe in 2006:

"Random memories and starlight.
I'm good today, but don't ask me why.
Smiles dancing on my lips again.
Seems like I'm moving past this, my old friend.
There's nothing left for me in yesterday.
I've stopped wishing for words you'll never say.

I used to struggle with every step.
A tear matching every single breath.
But now waking up doesn't seem so hard.
Time is the only cure for a broken heart.
There's nothing left for me in yesterday.
Don't bother tomorrow because I'm living in today.

Life goes on,
The world still turns.
We still build bridges,
Just to watch them burn.
I still think of you,
When it's cold outside.
The days were long,
But life goes on."


Saturday, May 31, 2014

Manifesto

I will never allow myself to fall in love with another man ever again.
Never.
Never.
Never.
I have locked my heart.


Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Putting One Foot in Front of the Other

“You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain.”
~Tom Hiddleston

"This is just me - trying to make what little sense I can of this strange, tough, beautiful thing called life."
~ Anon

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
~ Anon

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart and I'll stay there forever."
~ Winnie the Pooh

"If the days won't allow us to see each other, memories will; and if my eyes can't see you, my heart will never forget you."
~ Anon

"If you can't fly, then run; if you can't run, then walk; if you can't walk, then crawl; but whatever you do, keep moving."
~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.



Monday, April 21, 2014

Letting You Go

For the first time in my entire life, I experienced true, deep feelings for another guy. I only knew him for 2 weeks to the day, but he completely rocked my world and touched my heart in ways no one has done before. It's hard to say I was 'in love' w/ him, but a part of me was. Perhaps those two weeks was just a honeymoon phase we were in that would have eventually wore off X amount of time down the road, but from the first moment I met him it was truly different; it was deeper and more wonderful than anything I've ever known w/ a guy. And I enjoyed it. And it killed me.

What was refreshing about this guy is it wasn't about lust or just getting it on (my typical m.o. for the countless dudes I've been w/ in the past). I loved to just be w/ him, or think about getting together w/ him. He is the first man I've kissed since I got married, and it was wonderful. I was content and free and happy when I was w/ him. I had no worries. To feel his scruff and to stare into his eyes. To snuggle w/ him and to feel his arm, chest, and a little back hair ;) We sat in the car and just talked...DEEP talks. We had lunches and dinners and movies together. I couldn't wait to see him every day. He was genuine and handsome and sweet and thoughtful and (for me) perfect.

This affair had absolutely nothing to do w/ feelings of unhappiness toward my wife or my family. It did, however, have everything to do w/ how he completed and fulfilled a very real need I have in my life; a need my wife will never be able to fulfill. The need for love and touch and attention and affirmation from a man.

He and I both kind of knew our relationship was 'doomed' from the beginning and it was futile falling more in love w/ one another. I was not going to leave my wife and family and embrace my gayness. We/I tried to break things off a week into our relationship. We wept and sobbed and wept and sobbed some more and it hurt like fucking hell. I have NEVER felt that before....ever. But after all that, I just couldn't say goodbye to him or let him go. So I ran right back to him the next day and toyed w/ his and my emotions for another week. Would it have been easier if I had just moved on the first time? I don't know. But I don't regret spending another week w/ him.

There's so much more to say about this; so many more thoughts and emotions and feelings that I have talked out in my own mind and to him and to my friends and wife. The fact is I just don't know if I will ever experience peace in this life - one way or another. Whether I go this way or that, I will forever be lacking something. Hip-hip-hooray for being a married, Mormon sex addict dealing w/ same-sex lust.! :P

But one thing I do know, a part of me will never be over him. It tears my guts out to let him go and to try and move on w/ my life. I know he'll move on and meet another guy and he'll be happy. But I will never forget him and what he did for me and how he made me feel. I wish him nothing but the best in life and his future relationships. We only had 2 weeks together, but they were truly wonderful, happy times and I'll miss him. I DO miss him, so-fucking-much. 

Much love to you, Sir - you know who you are. Like I told you once before, you can never go through your life w/o knowing somebody loved and cared about you and that you made them happy, even if it was for such a short while.




Thursday, April 3, 2014

Change of Seasons

It's Spring. Well, it's trying to be Spring. Spring offers new life, renewal, freshness, growth, and hope. Spring (late Spring here in ID) has become one of my favorite times of year. The grass and everything turns green, the birds chirp and sing, the sun warms the earth and fills me w/ peace and energy and contentment, the trees and flowers blossom w/ beautiful colors and fragrances. I soak in every sight, sound, and smell I come across. With how extremely dark and cold my life has become I am hoping beyond hope that the oncoming Spring will help me turn this scary corner. I do not like where I am at today; yet I admit at the same time, I find comfort in it. HAHA This ole' brain is a pretty fucked up place, full of constant mutually exclusive thoughts and feelings churning inside it like a giant whirlpool.

I am turning 35 in 2 weeks. 35-fuckin'-years-old! And here I am....completely wandering and feeling my way through this farce of a life as one does a pitch-black room. I know and realize I have much to be thankful for, but it's so hard to not let the overwhelming dark feelings of failure and mediocrity consume me. :P  Sometimes I just don't know if I'm ever going to "get it" (aka LIFE). When the hell am I going to wake up and come to the fucking party?! I am the 'patriarch' of a family that consists of a loving and supportive wife and 4 beautiful children; yet I consistently seem to stumble and fall, hurt, and disappoint. I am a 15 yr. old rebellious, experimental boy stuck in a 34 yr old body - w/ a wife and kids to boot! Sometimes the pressures of life (my wife didn't like it when I lumped her and the kids in the 'pressure' category) seems too much. It irks me that when I do fuck up, which is pretty much an expected, normal thing nowadays, it's not just myself it affects anymore. And that pressure really gets to me. My wife asks me why do I stay? She's not holding a gun to my head. Yes, I KNOW THAT! I could leave anytime I want to, but I don't want to. I love her and I love our children. I don't stay out of obligation or some resolute responsibility. Fuck no! But this great balancing act is just TOUGH - and I don't do it very well. My makeup is beginning to show signs of wear and tear and you can see through the painted smile I have on my face to the scared little boy and the demonic dark passenger that is on the inside.

The majority of the time I feel like I am simply faking it and drifting through life, like a sailboat w/o its sails. No direction; no course; no purpose. I think about all the things that come w/ being an adult (which, WAKE UP, I am one!), and it makes me want to run to the corner and suck my thumb. Hmmmm. Is there any wonder why I keep turning to the things (e.g. masturbation, smoking, etc) that bring me "comfort?!" HAHA Some guys my age just seem to have it all together. Sure, they're probably home at 5 w/ their pants off in front of the computer at 5:10, but they just seem to have a better handle on the scary adult things e.g. retirement planning and saving, investments, career goals, insurance, etc. etc. Holy damn! There's just so much to take in and understand - my weak and feeble brain can't handle it.

Plus, w/ no Spirit nor church membership, it makes those feelings of floating and aimless wandering and being lost so much more real and intense. I am 6 months into my excommunication, but I am not doing much of anything to develop a relationship w/ Christ and God or work my way back towards being re-baptized. In fact, I have such enormous feelings of anger and bitterness and hostility toward my Heavenly Father and Christ that it's actually pretty frightening. That fucktard Satan wants me really, really bad and he's slowly and quietly and carefully putting more chains around my neck so he can drag me to hell. I know my hard-heart and numbness and loss of emotion comes from him (stupid asshole). But it's so very difficult for me to do what I know I need to do and ask for help and a softening of my heart; to HUMBLE myself and pray to God for assistance and comfort. It's as if God and I are having a stand off; God sees me hurting and suffering and spinning my wheels, yet I'll be damned it he will just step in and HELP ME w/o me having to ask for it. Where the hell is my miraculous conversion or redemption from hell-story like the Sons of Mosiah or Alma? Ooooo that pisses me off. I'm the one that has to go to Him and ask for help. And if I don't humble myself on my own? Then I'll be compelled to be humble either through a sickness, or an accident, or SOMETHING. Yea, I'm kind of bitter. :P

I know I am the one that has pulled away and distanced myself from God; he has not moved. And I am the one that is choosing to feel and stay this way. In all my life I have never felt more empty, more detached, and more numb than I do now. And I'm not doing anything really bad, per se. It's just an overall feeling and sense I have. It fucking sucks. Life blows lately. But Spring is almost here, and perhaps it'll be just the thing I need to stir my soul and wake me the fuck up!


Thursday, March 6, 2014

Coming Out...Some More

Yesterday, March 05, 2014 was a big day for this boy. I guess you could say I 'came out' a bit more to my parents and wife.

It started by my mom and I chatting on FB and her telling me that my neice had been asking why I wasn't wearing my g's anymore (I was ex'd in Oct). She appeased her by saying I had just had some issues and that once they were resolved I would start wearing them again. That kind of made me mad. Maybe my 16 year old niece doesn't need to know the details, but why should my sister who is 48 years old, and w/ whom I've always been very close to should be kept in the dark? Why shouldn't she know what is going on in her dear brother's life? I'm truly ok and comfortable w/ everything that has happened and what I'm going through and who I am and my sexuality. It would just give me that many more prayers, thoughts, and support to help me through this difficult time! But my mom doesn't want ANYONE to know. They've always been that way. Let's not talk about it. Let's just sweep it under the rug, ignore it, and everything will be a-ok. Um, no, it won't be a-ok, Mother!

I decided to ask her what exactly she thinks I'm dealing w/ and why I was ex'd. What did her and dad understand from our big "talk" in November? This gave me an opportunity to go into my SGA a bit more and the complexities and seriousness and details of my life situation. After chatting and really 'coming out' to her, I felt very naked, exposed and embarrassed afterwards. Ick. This is a part of me I have kept extremely hidden and secret, especially from my parents my whole life. I told my wife what had happened and she came and picked me up at work so we could take a drive and talk things out a bit more.

My wife knows about me, but I admit I have held back some of my deepest and darkest thoughts, feelings, and emotions from her as I always feared once it was out there, there would be no taking it back - ever, and I feared the outcome. Would she say, "Uh, yea, I've always known that" or "OMGsh! This is more serious than I ever thought! Check, please!" Basically it boils down to this: I love my wife and am attracted to HER. We have a great relationship. Actually we're envied by a lot of our family members b/c we are so "perfect." We're best friends, we communicate well, we're on the same page in raising our kids, and sex is great too. It always has been. Everything has always happened naturally and normally.  To be honest, when I am being intimate w/ my wife those are some of the only times I am free and at peace from same-sex lust. 

However, my 'bombshell' was I told her that I am not sexually attracted or aroused by other women...at all. But me on a nude beach filled w/ naked women, and nada. My sexual template lies solely w/ men. I do not identify myself as 'gay' but if that is YOUR definition of what it means to be gay, then so be it. My wife asked me what I would do if her and the kids weren't there; would I ever seek a woman and marry again? Are her and the kids my anchor? Ugh!  That stung. I have a rock-solid testimony of our church, the plan of salvation, and our divine purpose, so I can't say I would be ok w/ pursuing a relationship w/ a dude. My heart, brain, and spirit tells me no, no, no! That is not right! But I would never find another woman like my wife again; so loving, forgiving, understanding, supportive, etc. I honestly don't know what I would do if that were the case. I said that I guess in the end it does not matter if I 'm not attracted to other women or women at all, in general. As long as I am attracted to my wife and we have a great marriage and relationship and am faithful to her and keep theseother desires and same-sex urges at an appropriate level, then it's ok. 

But I have to admit all of this makes me feel very alone and scared. I feel like all those horrible, shaming things I was called growing up by all the bastards I went to school with. The truth is out there, there is no taking it back; this is the reality of our (my) situation. I guess we just deal w/ it and carry on. And I guess I feel good, don't I? Anxious. Relieved. Vulnerable. All of it. I got in there and brought to the light some of those things I have kept hidden in the dark recesses of my heart and brain all these years. It's ok. Everything will work out.

But I do have to say, this gay crap SUCKS.  It's one hell of a cross to bear in this life.


Wednesday, February 26, 2014

A Depressing Post

Everyone on the face of the planet has bouts of depression now and again. That's life. But have you ever experienced depression to the extent that everything that you care about, everyone you love, and anything that you once thought important slowly  begins to fade away? That's the only way I can really describe how I'm feeling and what's going on in my head lately.

I know I should get on my knees and pray to my Heavenly Father and ask him for comfort, but I don't want to. I don't want to ask for a blessing. I don't want to visit w/ my Bishop. I feel nothing in that regard (spirituality).  Yes, I know where those feelings are coming from and who is telling me NOT to humble myself nor pray to ask for some divine help, comfort, and guidance. I'm fully well aware of the fact Satan has his hands around my neck. Yet, I won't do what I know I should do to release myself. It's dumb.

You're probably saying 'pull your lower lip off the floor and buck up' right? It's strange b/c I know and realize this shitty state that I am in yet I can't just turn a switch and suddenly make myself feel better. In fact, I feel like wallowing in this sadness and hopelessness for a while. I've almost been finding comfort in it.  What's interesting is I know I should attempt to surround myself w/ people who love me and care about me but I want to tell the whole world to go fuck themselves and be alone. I don't want to find a new hobby or do things that "interest me" b/c I'm so damn vanilla in everything I don't even know what does interest me or really who the fuck I AM.

I think these dark feelings lately are the result of several things going on in my life: My gayness. My guilt and secrets I still harbor and keep. My excommunication.  My feelings of worthlessness and mediocrity and poor self-image. The distance I have put between my Heavenly Father and myself. My medications (one of the side effects of depo provera is depression).  So do I count my blessings and try and remember all the wonderful rich joys and gifts I have been blessed w/? Will that help? I know that no amount of therapy will help. I've been down that road many times before and I was just left w/ an ass-load of bills, which further intensifies my anger and depression. HA! Oh the irony.
Besides, what can a therapist do for me...truly? Wave a magic wand that will make all of these feelings dissolve? Provide some insight that I may have never seen or realized before? Whatever.

I no longer find joy in being home with my family, playing w/ my children, playing the piano, spending lunches w/ friends, or doing projects around the house. I have lost my focus at work. In fact, hours pass at work and I don't do a damn thing. I simply can't get the 'umpf' to do much of anything anymore. Something else that's strange is I can't cry or have any kind of emotional release. My heart feels so heavy and my insides feel so empty, like there is a hole, or vacuum. But I can't cry and I can't FEEL. It scares me b/c of the 34 years I have been trodding through life I don't think I have ever been this depressed, this sullen, this withdrawn, this dark, or this 'lost.'

Fuck it all.




Thursday, February 20, 2014

A Pathetic Man-Crush

I did something this week that was totally out of character for me. I can't even believe I did it. I'm trying really hard to hold my head up and move on from it, but I feel so embarrassed and stupid.

I have been feeling incredibly alone and sad lately. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's the gray weather or just the general lack of excitement in my life. Nothing piques my interest anymore. It has been really hard for me to focus or generate ambition/motivation to do anything, including work. Sometimes at lunch I'll just sit in the car by myself, close my eyes, and listen to "Depressa Mode" HAHA full blast. The music is penetrating and dark and gloomy and it just feels good for my mind and I to get lost in the heaviness.  I think much of my addiction feeds on thrill, adventure, excitement, and adrenaline and yet my life has been pretty ho-hum lately. Don't get me wrong, it has been nice to have some of those areas in my life that are usually so out of whack more quiet, balanced and toned down, but it has unfortunately spilled over into almost all the other areas of my life as well.

One of the side effects of my DP shots is depression and lethargy. Perhaps that is some of it. I do take Prozac also, but I think in a way the combo of everything in addition to the current status of my life just leaves me feeling gray... a lot. Ordinarily, I would be looking for a screw or a smoke or some other 'naughty' behavior to pep me up and give me a rush. But again, my shots have really made the obsession, mania, and compulsion of my addictive behaviors or even desire to act out at all on any of it almost nil. It's wonderful that way.

One of my m.o.'s has been the need to be lusted after by a guy. But lately that need to be lusted after has evolved into much more of a need for attention and affirmation. Dunno why. What's bizarre is the attention and connection and bond I get from my wife, children, friends at work and church, group, etc. hasn't been enough to satisfy my need or fill the void as of late. But the attention can't come from just anyone. I know this sounds really shitty of me, but I could have lots of people (gay, straight, whateve) giving me attention or showing interest in me, but if I don't find them "acceptable" or "worthy" on my terms, it won't matter in the end. It has to be from somebody I am attracted to, however I may deem them attractive. I don't have a typical "ideal" guy, but there are some similarities the guys I am attracted to share. My wife thinks this has its roots in my adolescence, when the guys that I thought were good looking, cool, masculine, etc. rejected me, bullied me, and taunted me. So now I have some bizarre need to be affirmed that I am ok and accepted by a guy that for whatever reason fits that "cool, good looking, masculine-guy" image in my mind. But why, oh why, can't I feel self-worth just by the love and affirmation that those in my life currently give me? Or from God Himself? Or from MYSELF? Why do I feel like such a worthless turd? Why can't I FEEL and how, if ever, will I resolve these feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing?

This is what lead me to do the terribly daft thing I did this week...

There is a mid-20s guy that works at a McDonald's here in town. He's gay and totally cute (I think). I have no freaking idea why I have developed a man-crush on this kid. It's bizarre. But, for whatever reason, he fits that "cool, good-looking, masculine-guy" image in my fucked-up head. Because he's gay, I thought maybe I could get what I have been needing and lacking from him...that attention and affirmation.  I wanted HIM to like me, crush on me, and think of me too. Man, don't I just think I'm the shit!? It's effed-up thinking, I know. So anyhow, I know this kid's name and I found him on FB. I sent him a message which I knew would go to his 'other' folder b/c we're not FB friends. I simply told him I had been in McDs on Saturday and he had helped me and I just wanted to say hey and reach out. How ambiguous is that for a message!? HAHA After I sent it I thought maybe he wouldn't ever see the message since it went to his 'other' folder, so (I can't believe my utter and sheer boldness) I jumped in my car and drove to McDs. I rehearsed what I would say.."Ahem, Hey so-and-so, I just wanted to let you know I sent you a FB message and just wanted to come in and explain why I did so you wouldn't be weirded out." A good ice-breaker, I thought. Well, it turns out he wasn't there (of course) so I left my name and number w/ a girl at the counter.

That night I got a text from him (my stomach immediately started tingling) and we texted back and forth for a while. It was great. I felt on top of the world. I was getting the attention I craved and needed, all the while building up some stupid fantasy in my mind. I asked him if I could see him the next day and he said he'd hit me up in the morning. I couldn't even sleep that night.
 
I sure wish I could report a happy end to this story, but unfortunately it all went to shit and I am left reeling in my feelings of shame, embarrassment, and stupidity! He FB messaged me yesterday morning and told me he didn't really understand my intentions. He said you have a wife and kids, so what was I looking for? Did I just want to compliment his service from Saturday? Did I need a babysitter? Or did I want to ask him out but I was just too shy to do so? The way he talked (wrote) was in my mind coy and kind of flirty. It was AWESOME. :) I told him yes on pretty much everything, but he was still confused as to what I wanted. I told him that 'I have same-sex issues , that I knew he did too, and that I was kind of crushing on him and just wanted to go to lunch or get a drink or something and just talk...and connect. I said I wasn't looking for a quick screw or anything. I just wanted to be with him.  His response: "Let me tell you something. I wasn't worried about a quick screw or a date for that matter. If you wouldn't have beat around the bush and been straight forward with your intentions, we wouldn't be doing this now. Secondly, being gay or being attracted to guys is not an ISSUE. Sorry to tell you that. It's a preference."  (STRIKE 1) Ouch. Double ouch. Then I told him I was sorry for doing what I did. It was out of character for me to be so bold and brazen but I just had to throw caution to the wind and reach out to him. He told me to 'not be so dramatic' (STRIKE 2) and that he had to get ready to go to work. Totally blowing me off! And hard! I asked him if I could just stop by to say hello and meet him face to face for a minute to hopefully qualm his fears and that perhaps after seeing me he'd realize I'm not as freaky as I (unfortunately) had made myself out to seem. His response? "Even if I said no, it is a public place,  but I don't care haha." (STRIKE 3)

I haven't felt such feelings of rejection and hurt and embarrassment like that in I don't know how long! And from a complete stranger! What the hell was I expecting him to say or do!? I've never even met this guy!

Well, ballsy-me, I did end up going to his work yesterday afternoon. I had to. I hoped that upon seeing me he'd forget what a weird-ass I had come across as and that maybe he'd end up liking me and maybe want to see me again. Uh, no; didn't happen. I told him again I was sorry for being so bizarre and so bold and for probably freaking him out. He told me not to worry about it, but he was so nonchalant and flat with the few things he did say to me. Then he said he had to get ready for the dinner rush (bullshit) and that maybe he'd message me. Didn't happen. And probably never will.

Today I feel split in two. I do feel a little bit of closure that I at least went in and met him fact to face and apologized. Yet the other part of me wonders if I have got him thinking about me at all. Will he message me or send me a text? Will his curiosity eventually drive him to reach out to me now? But then again, I am a mid-30s guy, married with children. If I had been a 24 year old and some mid-30s married dude was coming on to me I would have been like "As If!" HAHA

I know I'll never hear from him again. And that's for the best. And I will never, ever reach out to a person like I did to him again either. It hurts. Isn't that why they call them crushes? HAHA It feels like someone has blown a hole w/ a sawed-off shotgun right through my fucking chest. Sure, I could call a gay friend of mine and get a nice, long, tight hug if I wanted to, or even hold his hand and get SOME kind of attention and affirmation. But it wouldn't matter. I need it from that 'ideal' someone. But it's all in my head! That's what's scary. And what was I thinking in the first place reaching out to this guy? Even if my idealized fantasy had worked out and we began seeing each other and developed a connection/bond/friendship/etc it would have (AND ALWAYS INEVITABLY DOES) ended in getting in each others' pants. Then where would I be then?

Sigh.



Wednesday, February 5, 2014

HIV & AIDS


Warning! This post is long and boring, so don't read if you don't want to. But I really wanted (and needed) to write about a monstrous self-suggestion that, like lust, has consumed me for almost 20 years.

The power of one's mind is absolutely incredible. I am a firm believer that attitude and mood has a direct effect on not only emotional and mental health, but physical health as well. I also believe in the ability to brainwash or convince yourself of something that may or may not be reality. No, I'm not going to write about the "Mormonism Cult" and how we've all been brainwashed into believing that it's the one and only true religion. Blah Blah Blah. I'm not opening that can of worms. HA! But I do want to write about how for years I lived in complete and total anxiety and fear and had completely convinced myself that I had HIV/AIDS.

The first time I can really remember the reality of AIDS entering my mind and life is when I found out my gay Uncle, who was living in Ft. Lauderdale at the time, was dying of AIDS. This was in '95; he was 38 and I was 16 at the time. My gay promiscuity hadn't even really begun at that point (my encounters were still pretty innocent) and I admit I didn't even really know much about AIDS. In fact, I didn't even know my Uncle was gay. I guess you could say I lived a very naive and sheltered childhood and adolescence. At that point, the only thing I really knew about AIDS was that it was an incurable disease, usually transmitted via drug abuse and sex, and that the person's death was horrifying and painful.

Over the years, I have learned that my Uncle contracted HIV when he was living in Los Angeles. I don't know when or how long he lived with it before his death. I don't know if it was from a one-night stand or during a long-term relationship. I wish so bad I could talk with my Uncle and find out more about him, why he was the way he was and what kind of gay lifestyle he lived. Was he like the seldom few gay men in the world that truly want love and companionship and don't give a hoot about getting in each other's pants during the first date or encounter? Was the reason he contracted HIV was because he was simply with the wrong person at the wrong time? Or was his gay lifestyle more like mine...the anonymous, filthy, unprotected gay sex in bathroom stalls, cars, and gay nightclubs, spas and parks?

Whatever the case, he contracted it and it eventually killed him. And his death was not pretty. It's interesting how I can feel more compassion and depth of feeling and understanding for an Uncle I didn't even know very well just because we deal (dealt) w/ the same issue. This is something that my family or others could never really realize.


I remember after my Uncle died in Nov '95 by Dad and traveled to Florida to box all of his things and send them home. We spent a lot of time w/ his partner (who also had HIV) and met a lot of his friends (again, many were HIV+).


One day we went to the beach and I walked a ways down by myself to one of the beach bathrooms. I found a USED condom just outside the bathroom on the sand. I took it into the bathroom w/ me, I drank the semen out of the USED condom, then I put the condom on and jacked off into it myself. Wow. Wow. Wow.

My next and first personal encounter w/ the reality of AIDS was after a sexual encounter I had had w/ an older guy during the summer after I graduated HS. I remember engaging in anal sex w/ him (I did him) and the condom broke. During sex I also noticed he had a weird lump in the middle of his back, almost the size of a baseball. Bizarre, I thought, but I shrugged it off. Anyhow a few weeks later I was taking a walk w/ another gay guy I had recently met and my encounter w/ the other older gay dude came up in our conversation. He told me that the other guy had HIV. I'll never forget feeling the blood leave my head, heart, and gut and sink to my feet upon hearing that. It felt like somebody had dumped ice water down my neck. That was the beginning of my self-deception and persuasion that I had got "it." Looking back I wonder if the younger guy was just jerking me around b/c I wouldn't have sex w/ him (um, YUCK) and that was his way of getting back at me. Or perhaps he really did know the other gay guy and he really did have HIV. I'll never know the truth for sure and have no idea where the two of them ever ended up.

Nevertheless, despite my fear and shock, I could never bring myself to get tested and I continued having many, many, MANY anonymous sexual encounters, sometimes safe, sometimes not. I know, it was so, so, soooo stupid, careless, wreckless, selfish, and prickish of me. I started feeling really mentally weird ALL the time (I thought it was a symptom of the illness) and out of it like I was high all the time. I also started having regular panic attacks, which I had never before experienced. During this time I was going to school and living in Pocatello by myself and was also working during the summers in West Yellowstone, MT. I was experimenting w/ pot, alcohol, and was smoking regularly as well. My life and mental state was, to say the least, tumultuous and deranged.

I remember lying in the tub one night in Pocatello and I started getting freaked out while looking at my naked body b/c I thought I was getting too skinny (another symptom/side effect of the disease). I was constantly looking and obsessing about any sign or symptom to crop up, from white things in my mouth and throat to night sweats; I consumed myself with any and all physical changes or abnormalities.

I began donating plasma, which was a way for me to have my blood tested, though it wasn't an official "HIV Test." And again, I was in constant fear that one day I would receive a phone call or letter in the mail that something was abnormal in my blood. And yet I continued screwing around! Perhaps it was my way of trying bury or forget my fear or fixed reality.

In 2000 I decided to go on a mission for the church. I told myself that everything would be ok and all my physical tests would come back normal if God wanted me to go and if I changed my lifestyle. Sure enough, they were and I ended up going. But the constant, nagging fear and anxiety that I had AIDS remained. I had still never had an official HIV test - never and had had 100's of sexual experiences, some major others minor.

It was during my mission that while looking in my mouth one day I had weird white things on my tonsils. Again, the blood drained from my head and ice water had been dumped on me. Here was another sure sign and indication that I had "it and that "it" had been simply hiding. I was so, so, so upset and scared. I eventually got up the courage to tell my Zone Leader I needed to visit w/ the Mission President's wife about seeing a nurse. I was a nervous and emotional wreck, but I couldn't tell him why. Finally, he got the truth out of me and told me, "dude, chill out!" He asked if I had ever had a severe strep throat. He asked me if the white things on my tonsils resembled cottage cheese curds and stunk really, really bad. Finally, he said it's no biggie, he had the same thing going on. It is simply bacteria that builds up in our tonsil pockets and holes and eventually comes out, or we can squeeze them out ourselves. Yea, pretty nasty, but you can imagine my relief and the peace I felt.

If you've been a faithful reader from the beginning, you already know my mission did not end well. I ended up having sex and doing everything else inappropriate and evil on my mission and was sent home after 20 months. But even after coming home and being disfellowshipped and even while dating my future (now) wife, I continued screwing around w/ guys, though let me just write here that the last time I engaged in anal sex with a man even to this day was while I was on my mission.

Anyhow, this is the part when any shred of positive view you may have of me will go completely out the window. For you see, prior to getting married, I still never got an AIDS test, or any other STD test. Yep, I know, I am a complete and total sick son-of-a-bitch for that. At that point, my wife knew I had same-sex issues, but she had no idea about any of my AIDS-related fears or how promiscuous and unsafe I truly had been. I'm a fucker.

After marrying, I did not physically mess around, touch or be touched by men. I continued cruising the parks and bathroom and would have encounters w/ gay guys and I would watch them act out on themselves or each other, but I was playing it safe, myself. My wife and I began having kids and building our life together, but I was still never convinced that I was clean.

I remember finally coming out to my wife and telling her the God-awful, hellacious fear that had plagued me for (at that point) 8 years that I had HIV. I just knew I had it! I was going to be the special case that despite having had had sex w/ her hundreds of times and even after having healthy, normal children together, I would still have "it" hiding deep down inside me and eventually, someday it was going to rear its ugly head. I had been too bad; too vile; and had gone too far.

As the years passed my fear finally began to subside, though it would never be relinquished completely. For whatever reason, God had kept me safe through all the years of my dumb-fuckery, but I knew I wouldn't be so lucky the 2nd time, should I return to those behaviors and start screwing around w/ dudes again and committing adultery. My HIV phobia actually kept me from going completely ape shit and start acting out w/ the men I was having encounters with.

I remember going to a gay bathhouse in Los Angeles in 2008 and I was not wearing thongs or shoes and was walking in drips of cum and what not. And I was getting into the hot tub that only hell knows how much cum and stuff was in there! Barf! This is when my HIV fear began slowly growing again! What if I had had a cut or sore on my foot or heel when I stepped in the semen? What if there had been cum in the whirlpool water and it had entered a cut or something somewhere on my body? Constant, nagging, worry and fear that I continued to push down into the recesses of my mind.

This is why I am so fucked up today - years of bullying, anxiety, fear, hurt, sadness, anger that I have pushed down and never dealt with. This is why I have a hard time dealing w/ the complexities and realities of life. I cannot stand seriousness and scary things and responsibilities that I have to do or face. In a way, I am completely and totally mental!

In 2011, I FINALLY came to the knowledge that I'm a pretty fucked up sex/lust addict and began attending regular SA meetings as well as meeting w/ a group therapist. Right out of the gate, the therapist asked if I had ever had an HIV test or been checked for other STDs....again, the ice water down the neck feeling...why was she asking me this? Is it a sign? Has everything been culminating to this? Is it too late for me? I told her that I hadn't any anal or oral sexual encounters since I had gotten married, but she urged me for my own peace of mind self victory to go to the District Heath Dept. and have the whole gamut of STD tests. Believe it or not, after all those years I did end up getting the courage to go and take the tests. Especially the 'biggie!' I was so scared and nervous. You can't even imagine the relief and the peace and warmth that flooded over me when everything came back ok. FINALLY! I had confirmation that I did not have AIDS and that I was going to be ok. I told myself I would never, EVER do anything that would put myself in a situation that I would ever have to worry about fucking AIDS again.

Well, as you've read from my posts over the past 2 years, I have slipped and sunk lower than I ever have since I got married. I have engaged in frequent mutual masturbation sessions w/ strangers and have even descended to giving and receiving oral sex. Obviously fear couldn't and didn't overcome my perpetual wanton lust and sex addictions. :P

I did end up having to have a thorough blood panel for my being a possible bone marrow donor for a lady in need, which came back ok. But I still wonder. I know that HIV can be in your system for a long while and still come up undetectable in a test. My last sexual encounter w/ a guy was Dec 18 and my blood draw and test for the bone marrow donation was Dec 19. What if I had a small hangnail and some of the guy's cum made contact? What if I had a small cut on my penis or inside the tip of my penis and he had a mouth sore or blood from a cut in his mouth or on his gums that got inside me? What if I had a tiny cut or canker sore or something at the time and some of his pre-cum got in it?

If I really sit down and think deep about it, I will again begin to convince myself that AIDS has conquered me. I will die the safe, horrific, awful death my Uncle did. And I can't blame anybody but myself. Do you see why and how keeping God's commandments and staying faithful in a marriage keeps one truly free, at peace and safe in every way? Why do I continue to put myself (and my wife) in these awful situations and compromise OUR health, our future, and marriage? I know I'm an asshole and I've already lost my church membership on account of my stupid, wicked, riotous choices. And I know as sure as anything that next it will be my marriage and family that I lose and then lastly, it will be my life (physical and spiritual). I pray I can continue in the path of righteousness and stay far away away from any and all things dark and/or evil. Please stay away from me.

From Mormon.org: "Like our parents growing up, God gives us commandments to help keep us focused on what is most important and how to stay safe. All of His guidance is meant to keep us safe, help us stay close to Him and, in the end, to give us more freedom and happiness. The word "commandment" might make us think of the Ten Commandments—a list of "Thou Shalt Nots"—God does not only tell us what we should not do, but He also tells us what we should do. His greatest hope is for our eternal happiness, so we can be sure that His commandments are not restrictive rules, but they are divine guidance meant to protect us from harm and lead us to better ways of living."

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Depo Provera Follow Up


As you know, I decided to begin having Depo Provera injections in order to help curb my sexual behaviors and compulsions. I have now had two injections - one at the beginning of December and another on the 10th of January. While this is definitely not a cure-all, it has been a game-changer for me!

After an injection, I can usually start "feeling" or experiencing results approx. 3-4 days later. My Doctor said that only I will be able to tell when it is time to go in and get another injection; probably once a month or every 6 weeks.

I still have naughty thoughts on occasion and sometimes I'll get myself really going by thinking about past experiences or people (usually in the middle of the night while I lay in bed). And of course it will cause me to get an erection. However, BEFORE my treatments these lustful thoughts and memories would be all-consuming and I would have to masturbate to 'get it out' and deal w/ it or I couldn't shake the thoughts and tickle and would feel that compulsion to act on them. So I would start cruising or surfing CL ads to find someone to act out with. Or I'd engage in stupid, dangerous, and hurtful auto-erotic behaviors.

For me, these Depo Provera shots have helped me cope and deal with my constant triggers, lusts, addictions, and compulsions. It hasn't completely killed my sex drive/libido dead, but it has made it not be so fore-front in my mind. I have a thought or an erection and it goes away as quick as it comes! I've noticed the times when I do get really horny or 'jonesy' is when a few weeks have past since my last sexual release w/ my wife. Stuff starts filling up (naturally) and needs to come out. Once I do, I'm good to go for another few weeks. I can tub or shower and not have that constant craving/desire/temptation to masturbate. In fact, that desire has actually been NIL to NADA! It's wonderful. I now have 6 weeks abstinence from masturbation. :) I can touch my penis or use the restroom or take a shower and be free! Wow!

Sex w/ my wife is more intimate as well. It is no longer a 'have-to' every day. My wife and I have had several sexual experiences when I took care of her and didn't have that "male need" to finish or have an orgasm myself. The interest just wasn't there. It was great!

So, as we move into Spring and I get more active outdoors and the joggers and shirtless guys start coming out of the woodwork and Spring fever sets in and those natural 'instincts' begin calling, we'll see if these injections will continue to help me deal and cope.


For now, I'm doing really well, am happy, and clean. The injections have been a life saver...really! And in every sense of the word!

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, readers!

I'm really hoping that 2014 is a much better year than 2013. I know in the end how I feel about the state of affairs will inevitably be a result of my choices and decisions, whether good or bad, wise or foolish. 2013 was FULL of some really bad choices. But for the record, I'm not planning on repeating those same mistakes in 2014 and experiencing that dark misery and sadness.

My #1 resolution for the year 2014: Sexual Sobriety.

This means no sex w/ myself or others (e.g. any "sexual" activity) outside my marriage. I intend to be chaste and honest and reclaim the integrity I threw out the window in 2013.

"I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the years'." Henry Moore