Wednesday, February 26, 2014

A Depressing Post

Everyone on the face of the planet has bouts of depression now and again. That's life. But have you ever experienced depression to the extent that everything that you care about, everyone you love, and anything that you once thought important slowly  begins to fade away? That's the only way I can really describe how I'm feeling and what's going on in my head lately.

I know I should get on my knees and pray to my Heavenly Father and ask him for comfort, but I don't want to. I don't want to ask for a blessing. I don't want to visit w/ my Bishop. I feel nothing in that regard (spirituality).  Yes, I know where those feelings are coming from and who is telling me NOT to humble myself nor pray to ask for some divine help, comfort, and guidance. I'm fully well aware of the fact Satan has his hands around my neck. Yet, I won't do what I know I should do to release myself. It's dumb.

You're probably saying 'pull your lower lip off the floor and buck up' right? It's strange b/c I know and realize this shitty state that I am in yet I can't just turn a switch and suddenly make myself feel better. In fact, I feel like wallowing in this sadness and hopelessness for a while. I've almost been finding comfort in it.  What's interesting is I know I should attempt to surround myself w/ people who love me and care about me but I want to tell the whole world to go fuck themselves and be alone. I don't want to find a new hobby or do things that "interest me" b/c I'm so damn vanilla in everything I don't even know what does interest me or really who the fuck I AM.

I think these dark feelings lately are the result of several things going on in my life: My gayness. My guilt and secrets I still harbor and keep. My excommunication.  My feelings of worthlessness and mediocrity and poor self-image. The distance I have put between my Heavenly Father and myself. My medications (one of the side effects of depo provera is depression).  So do I count my blessings and try and remember all the wonderful rich joys and gifts I have been blessed w/? Will that help? I know that no amount of therapy will help. I've been down that road many times before and I was just left w/ an ass-load of bills, which further intensifies my anger and depression. HA! Oh the irony.
Besides, what can a therapist do for me...truly? Wave a magic wand that will make all of these feelings dissolve? Provide some insight that I may have never seen or realized before? Whatever.

I no longer find joy in being home with my family, playing w/ my children, playing the piano, spending lunches w/ friends, or doing projects around the house. I have lost my focus at work. In fact, hours pass at work and I don't do a damn thing. I simply can't get the 'umpf' to do much of anything anymore. Something else that's strange is I can't cry or have any kind of emotional release. My heart feels so heavy and my insides feel so empty, like there is a hole, or vacuum. But I can't cry and I can't FEEL. It scares me b/c of the 34 years I have been trodding through life I don't think I have ever been this depressed, this sullen, this withdrawn, this dark, or this 'lost.'

Fuck it all.

1 comment:

  1. I agree with you- fuck it all. I have been everywhere you are feeling right now- did not want anyone or anything in my life, did not have the affect or the ability to see if I were to stop existing how it might impact others' lives, did not feel love from anyone, did not love myself, did not want to feel love from anyone, and certainly did not want to do the therapeutic work because nothing was ever going to change and why the fuck would I spend all that money, and spend all that fucking time, because nothing was ever going to get better- just kill me now and just let this whole fucking thing be over and done with. I wrote detail after detail of all the horrendous abuse that had happened to me, the people who had defiled my young life, the people who abused every part of my body and soul, went through every torturous detail, and yelled at it all, "FUCK YOU!"

    I know how it is to be that depressed, that just plain tired of it all, not wanting to try one more moment, not wanting to feel anything, not being able to feel anything, etc. etc. etc. Fuck it all. I must have said that a million times.

    And, yet, for whatever reason, I am still here. And, I am so glad, so grateful I am- so much I would have missed out on.

    All that pain, all that depression, all that nothingness, all that raw and horrific pain- well, it is gone. My final therapist (just shy of six years- yes- six years with her and three more years with a second therapist, and all the countless therapists and years that I tried healing BEFORE finding the two who would save my life) used to promise me if I would do the hard work, one day I would be on the other side of the pain and I would feel something else. I did not believe her for such a very long time. I begged her to let me die.

    And, then one day, when I had felt everything I needed to feel, when I had felt all the hurt, when I let the parts of me that needed healing get helped and healed, when I put my heart into Heaven's Hands, well, then finally, FINALLY, I healed.

    To be on THIS side of the pain makes everything I felt worthwhile. This side of the pain is something I never even dreamed were possible. For me, it did not, could not, exist. I was not sure I could hang on, hang in there, hang with anyone long enough to feel something other than numb and horrific pain. But, I do. I feel joy and happiness unmatched.

    If I can feel this, why NOT you? Duck