I did something this week that was totally out of character for me. I can't even believe I did it. I'm trying really hard to hold my head up and move on from it, but I feel so embarrassed and stupid.
I have been feeling incredibly alone and sad lately. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's the gray weather or just the general lack of excitement in my life. Nothing piques my interest anymore. It has been really hard for me to focus or generate ambition/motivation to do anything, including work. Sometimes at lunch I'll just sit in the car by myself, close my eyes, and listen to "Depressa Mode" HAHA full blast. The music is penetrating and dark and gloomy and it just feels good for my mind and I to get lost in the heaviness. I think much of my addiction feeds on thrill, adventure, excitement, and adrenaline and yet my life has been pretty ho-hum lately. Don't get me wrong, it has been nice to have some of those areas in my life that are usually so out of whack more quiet, balanced and toned down, but it has unfortunately spilled over into almost all the other areas of my life as well.
One of the side effects of my DP shots is depression and lethargy. Perhaps that is some of it. I do take Prozac also, but I think in a way the combo of everything in addition to the current status of my life just leaves me feeling gray... a lot. Ordinarily, I would be looking for a screw or a smoke or some other 'naughty' behavior to pep me up and give me a rush. But again, my shots have really made the obsession, mania, and compulsion of my addictive behaviors or even desire to act out at all on any of it almost nil. It's wonderful that way.
One of my m.o.'s has been the need to be lusted after by a guy. But lately that need to be lusted after has evolved into much more of a need for attention and affirmation. Dunno why. What's bizarre is the attention and connection and bond I get from my wife, children, friends at work and church, group, etc. hasn't been enough to satisfy my need or fill the void as of late. But the attention can't come from just anyone. I know this sounds really shitty of me, but I could have lots of people (gay, straight, whateve) giving me attention or showing interest in me, but if I don't find them "acceptable" or "worthy" on my terms, it won't matter in the end. It has to be from somebody I am attracted to, however I may deem them attractive. I don't have a typical "ideal" guy, but there are some similarities the guys I am attracted to share. My wife thinks this has its roots in my adolescence, when the guys that I thought were good looking, cool, masculine, etc. rejected me, bullied me, and taunted me. So now I have some bizarre need to be affirmed that I am ok and accepted by a guy that for whatever reason fits that "cool, good looking, masculine-guy" image in my mind. But why, oh why, can't I feel self-worth just by the love and affirmation that those in my life currently give me? Or from God Himself? Or from MYSELF? Why do I feel like such a worthless turd? Why can't I FEEL and how, if ever, will I resolve these feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing?
This is what lead me to do the terribly daft thing I did this week...
There is a mid-20s guy that works at a McDonald's here in town. He's gay and totally cute (I think). I have no freaking idea why I have developed a man-crush on this kid. It's bizarre. But, for whatever reason, he fits that "cool, good-looking, masculine-guy" image in my fucked-up head. Because he's gay, I thought maybe I could get what I have been needing and lacking from him...that attention and affirmation. I wanted HIM to like me, crush on me, and think of me too. Man, don't I just think I'm the shit!? It's effed-up thinking, I know. So anyhow, I know this kid's name and I found him on FB. I sent him a message which I knew would go to his 'other' folder b/c we're not FB friends. I simply told him I had been in McDs on Saturday and he had helped me and I just wanted to say hey and reach out. How ambiguous is that for a message!? HAHA After I sent it I thought maybe he wouldn't ever see the message since it went to his 'other' folder, so (I can't believe my utter and sheer boldness) I jumped in my car and drove to McDs. I rehearsed what I would say.."Ahem, Hey so-and-so, I just wanted to let you know I sent you a FB message and just wanted to come in and explain why I did so you wouldn't be weirded out." A good ice-breaker, I thought. Well, it turns out he wasn't there (of course) so I left my name and number w/ a girl at the counter.
That night I got a text from him (my stomach immediately started tingling) and we texted back and forth for a while. It was great. I felt on top of the world. I was getting the attention I craved and needed, all the while building up some stupid fantasy in my mind. I asked him if I could see him the next day and he said he'd hit me up in the morning. I couldn't even sleep that night.
I sure wish I could report a happy end to this story, but unfortunately it all went to shit and I am left reeling in my feelings of shame, embarrassment, and stupidity! He FB messaged me yesterday morning and told me he didn't really understand my intentions. He said you have a wife and kids, so what was I looking for? Did I just want to compliment his service from Saturday? Did I need a babysitter? Or did I want to ask him out but I was just too shy to do so? The way he talked (wrote) was in my mind coy and kind of flirty. It was AWESOME. :) I told him yes on pretty much everything, but he was still confused as to what I wanted. I told him that 'I have same-sex issues , that I knew he did too, and that I was kind of crushing on him and just wanted to go to lunch or get a drink or something and just talk...and connect. I said I wasn't looking for a quick screw or anything. I just wanted to be with him. His response: "Let me tell you something. I wasn't worried about a quick screw or a date for that matter. If you wouldn't have beat around the bush and been straight forward with your intentions, we wouldn't be doing this now. Secondly, being gay or being attracted to guys is not an ISSUE. Sorry to tell you that. It's a preference." (STRIKE 1) Ouch. Double ouch. Then I told him I was sorry for doing what I did. It was out of character for me to be so bold and brazen but I just had to throw caution to the wind and reach out to him. He told me to 'not be so dramatic' (STRIKE 2) and that he had to get ready to go to work. Totally blowing me off! And hard! I asked him if I could just stop by to say hello and meet him face to face for a minute to hopefully qualm his fears and that perhaps after seeing me he'd realize I'm not as freaky as I (unfortunately) had made myself out to seem. His response? "Even if I said no, it is a public place, but I don't care haha." (STRIKE 3)
I haven't felt such feelings of rejection and hurt and embarrassment like that in I don't know how long! And from a complete stranger! What the hell was I expecting him to say or do!? I've never even met this guy!
Well, ballsy-me, I did end up going to his work yesterday afternoon. I had to. I hoped that upon seeing me he'd forget what a weird-ass I had come across as and that maybe he'd end up liking me and maybe want to see me again. Uh, no; didn't happen. I told him again I was sorry for being so bizarre and so bold and for probably freaking him out. He told me not to worry about it, but he was so nonchalant and flat with the few things he did say to me. Then he said he had to get ready for the dinner rush (bullshit) and that maybe he'd message me. Didn't happen. And probably never will.
Today I feel split in two. I do feel a little bit of closure that I at least went in and met him fact to face and apologized. Yet the other part of me wonders if I have got him thinking about me at all. Will he message me or send me a text? Will his curiosity eventually drive him to reach out to me now? But then again, I am a mid-30s guy, married with children. If I had been a 24 year old and some mid-30s married dude was coming on to me I would have been like "As If!" HAHA
I know I'll never hear from him again. And that's for the best. And I will never, ever reach out to a person like I did to him again either. It hurts. Isn't that why they call them crushes? HAHA It feels like someone has blown a hole w/ a sawed-off shotgun right through my fucking chest. Sure, I could call a gay friend of mine and get a nice, long, tight hug if I wanted to, or even hold his hand and get SOME kind of attention and affirmation. But it wouldn't matter. I need it from that 'ideal' someone. But it's all in my head! That's what's scary. And what was I thinking in the first place reaching out to this guy? Even if my idealized fantasy had worked out and we began seeing each other and developed a connection/bond/friendship/etc it would have (AND ALWAYS INEVITABLY DOES) ended in getting in each others' pants. Then where would I be then?