Yesterday, March 05, 2014 was a big day for this boy. I guess you could say I 'came out' a bit more to my parents and wife.
It started by my mom and I chatting on FB and her telling me that my neice had been asking why I wasn't wearing my g's anymore (I was ex'd in Oct). She appeased her by saying I had just had some issues and that once they were resolved I would start wearing them again. That kind of made me mad. Maybe my 16 year old niece doesn't need to know the details, but why should my sister who is 48 years old, and w/ whom I've always been very close to should be kept in the dark? Why shouldn't she know what is going on in her dear brother's life? I'm truly ok and comfortable w/ everything that has happened and what I'm going through and who I am and my sexuality. It would just give me that many more prayers, thoughts, and support to help me through this difficult time! But my mom doesn't want ANYONE to know. They've always been that way. Let's not talk about it. Let's just sweep it under the rug, ignore it, and everything will be a-ok. Um, no, it won't be a-ok, Mother!
I decided to ask her what exactly she thinks I'm dealing w/ and why I was ex'd. What did her and dad understand from our big "talk" in November? This gave me an opportunity to go into my SGA a bit more and the complexities and seriousness and details of my life situation. After chatting and really 'coming out' to her, I felt very naked, exposed and embarrassed afterwards. Ick. This is a part of me I have kept extremely hidden and secret, especially from my parents my whole life. I told my wife what had happened and she came and picked me up at work so we could take a drive and talk things out a bit more.
My wife knows about me, but I admit I have held back some of my deepest and darkest thoughts, feelings, and emotions from her as I always feared once it was out there, there would be no taking it back - ever, and I feared the outcome. Would she say, "Uh, yea, I've always known that" or "OMGsh! This is more serious than I ever thought! Check, please!" Basically it boils down to this: I love my wife and am attracted to HER. We have a great relationship. Actually we're envied by a lot of our family members b/c we are so "perfect." We're best friends, we communicate well, we're on the same page in raising our kids, and sex is great too. It always has been. Everything has always happened naturally and normally. To be honest, when I am being intimate w/ my wife those are some of the only times I am free and at peace from same-sex lust.
However, my 'bombshell' was I told her that I am not sexually attracted or aroused by other women...at all. But me on a nude beach filled w/ naked women, and nada. My sexual template lies solely w/ men. I do not identify myself as 'gay' but if that is YOUR definition of what it means to be gay, then so be it. My wife asked me what I would do if her and the kids weren't there; would I ever seek a woman and marry again? Are her and the kids my anchor? Ugh! That stung. I have a rock-solid testimony of our church, the plan of salvation, and our divine purpose, so I can't say I would be ok w/ pursuing a relationship w/ a dude. My heart, brain, and spirit tells me no, no, no! That is not right! But I would never find another woman like my wife again; so loving, forgiving, understanding, supportive, etc. I honestly don't know what I would do if that were the case. I said that I guess in the end it does not matter if I 'm not attracted to other women or women at all, in general. As long as I am attracted to my wife and we have a great marriage and relationship and am faithful to her and keep theseother desires and same-sex urges at an appropriate level, then it's ok.
But I have to admit all of this makes me feel very alone and scared. I feel like all those horrible, shaming things I was called growing up by all the bastards I went to school with. The truth is out there, there is no taking it back; this is the reality of our (my) situation. I guess we just deal w/ it and carry on. And I guess I feel good, don't I? Anxious. Relieved. Vulnerable. All of it. I got in there and brought to the light some of those things I have kept hidden in the dark recesses of my heart and brain all these years. It's ok. Everything will work out.
But I do have to say, this gay crap SUCKS. It's one hell of a cross to bear in this life.