Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Today; March 26, 2014

I. Am. Losing.
Happy 2 year anniversary.


  1. Boy, just keep living.

  2. At what are you losing? Are you alright? What can I do to help? Love to you, always. Duck

  3. I wish you gave yourself more credit. You're a lot better than you think you are.

  4. You are a bit maddening, you. You drop what feel like bombshells, but they are so mysterious and cloaked in nature, and I never know what the heck you mean. What do you mean??? With this post, I am asking...

    1. Hi Duck. Sorry, I didn't mean my post to be so cryptic. Lately I just feel like I'm losing the fight. Satan wants me so bad and I have no protection and my desire to humble myself and ask God for help is non-existent. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I have so much anger and hardness and bitterness toward God. It's so stupid, and I know who is putting those feelings in my heart, but nonetheless I'm feeling them.

      Sometimes life just SUCKS. I am in my mid-30s w/ a wife and 4 kids and I feel as if I'm having trying to do it all as a 15 year old. There is so much pressure and so much complication. It just gets me overwhelmed. And I'm so fragile and weak right now, it makes that much worse. :P

      It's ok. I'm sure it'll pass and I'll come around, eventually.

  5. I am sorry that things are so hard for you.

    You said you have four children. They are all probably different from each other? Do you have any who, when they get mad at you, won't talk to you? Do you like that? What do you do?

    I am wondering if one of the reasons you won't ask God for help is because you might get an answer? May I ask why you are so angry with Him? When I read your comment, it reminded me of one of my mission companions. (I served in Germany.) She had distanced herself from the Church, from praying, from anything that reminded her of the Savior. She said once she was at a movie. And, the Savior revealed His love to her. She told him to go the hell away. I remember when she told me that, it about broke me in to two. I loved the Savior so much and I could not imagine anyone telling Him to go the hell away. But, she had. She was not ready for His love. When she got ready, she could accept Him.

    Yes, you are fragile right now. Why will you not reach out to the One who can help you through? Why are you being stubborn about this?

    You know I ONLY say these things to you because I love you. If I love you this much, and I have never even met you, cannot you imagine how much He loves you? Please ask for Him to help you. If not for yourself, then for your children. For your wife. OK?

  6. I think you see the world too black and white. From my experience it is not. I'm in my mid-50's with a wife and 5 kids. I spent years blaming God and blaming the church and blaming my dad and being bitter and angry etc. I had a change of heart when my teenage son started having problems with pornography. It made me realize just how juvenile my thought processes had been. As a result I now try to think through each decision I make, each thought I have, as though I'm a responsible adult with the ability to make a decision based less on anger and emotion and more on what a good person might do. I try hard not to let the church guilt me into thinking I'm any less of a person as the next guy. I realize the church is not perfect, I am not perfect, and the only thing god wants out of me is to be an honest person that does what he can with what he has been given.

    I am nowhere near perfect. Sometimes I still fall. Sometimes I don't do what I know I should. My wife and I have an uneasy truce at the moment and we both know that at anytime our marriage might not make it. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through another day is that my kids need me. I'd rather be a divorced dad than my kids having no dad at all.

    Hang in there. Don't give up.