Monday, April 21, 2014

Letting You Go

For the first time in my entire life, I experienced true, deep feelings for another guy. I only knew him for 2 weeks to the day, but he completely rocked my world and touched my heart in ways no one has done before. It's hard to say I was 'in love' w/ him, but a part of me was. Perhaps those two weeks was just a honeymoon phase we were in that would have eventually wore off X amount of time down the road, but from the first moment I met him it was truly different; it was deeper and more wonderful than anything I've ever known w/ a guy. And I enjoyed it. And it killed me.

What was refreshing about this guy is it wasn't about lust or just getting it on (my typical m.o. for the countless dudes I've been w/ in the past). I loved to just be w/ him, or think about getting together w/ him. He is the first man I've kissed since I got married, and it was wonderful. I was content and free and happy when I was w/ him. I had no worries. To feel his scruff and to stare into his eyes. To snuggle w/ him and to feel his arm, chest, and a little back hair ;) We sat in the car and just talked...DEEP talks. We had lunches and dinners and movies together. I couldn't wait to see him every day. He was genuine and handsome and sweet and thoughtful and (for me) perfect.

This affair had absolutely nothing to do w/ feelings of unhappiness toward my wife or my family. It did, however, have everything to do w/ how he completed and fulfilled a very real need I have in my life; a need my wife will never be able to fulfill. The need for love and touch and attention and affirmation from a man.

He and I both kind of knew our relationship was 'doomed' from the beginning and it was futile falling more in love w/ one another. I was not going to leave my wife and family and embrace my gayness. We/I tried to break things off a week into our relationship. We wept and sobbed and wept and sobbed some more and it hurt like fucking hell. I have NEVER felt that before....ever. But after all that, I just couldn't say goodbye to him or let him go. So I ran right back to him the next day and toyed w/ his and my emotions for another week. Would it have been easier if I had just moved on the first time? I don't know. But I don't regret spending another week w/ him.

There's so much more to say about this; so many more thoughts and emotions and feelings that I have talked out in my own mind and to him and to my friends and wife. The fact is I just don't know if I will ever experience peace in this life - one way or another. Whether I go this way or that, I will forever be lacking something. Hip-hip-hooray for being a married, Mormon sex addict dealing w/ same-sex lust.! :P

But one thing I do know, a part of me will never be over him. It tears my guts out to let him go and to try and move on w/ my life. I know he'll move on and meet another guy and he'll be happy. But I will never forget him and what he did for me and how he made me feel. I wish him nothing but the best in life and his future relationships. We only had 2 weeks together, but they were truly wonderful, happy times and I'll miss him. I DO miss him, so-fucking-much. 

Much love to you, Sir - you know who you are. Like I told you once before, you can never go through your life w/o knowing somebody loved and cared about you and that you made them happy, even if it was for such a short while.




Thursday, April 3, 2014

Change of Seasons

It's Spring. Well, it's trying to be Spring. Spring offers new life, renewal, freshness, growth, and hope. Spring (late Spring here in ID) has become one of my favorite times of year. The grass and everything turns green, the birds chirp and sing, the sun warms the earth and fills me w/ peace and energy and contentment, the trees and flowers blossom w/ beautiful colors and fragrances. I soak in every sight, sound, and smell I come across. With how extremely dark and cold my life has become I am hoping beyond hope that the oncoming Spring will help me turn this scary corner. I do not like where I am at today; yet I admit at the same time, I find comfort in it. HAHA This ole' brain is a pretty fucked up place, full of constant mutually exclusive thoughts and feelings churning inside it like a giant whirlpool.

I am turning 35 in 2 weeks. 35-fuckin'-years-old! And here I am....completely wandering and feeling my way through this farce of a life as one does a pitch-black room. I know and realize I have much to be thankful for, but it's so hard to not let the overwhelming dark feelings of failure and mediocrity consume me. :P  Sometimes I just don't know if I'm ever going to "get it" (aka LIFE). When the hell am I going to wake up and come to the fucking party?! I am the 'patriarch' of a family that consists of a loving and supportive wife and 4 beautiful children; yet I consistently seem to stumble and fall, hurt, and disappoint. I am a 15 yr. old rebellious, experimental boy stuck in a 34 yr old body - w/ a wife and kids to boot! Sometimes the pressures of life (my wife didn't like it when I lumped her and the kids in the 'pressure' category) seems too much. It irks me that when I do fuck up, which is pretty much an expected, normal thing nowadays, it's not just myself it affects anymore. And that pressure really gets to me. My wife asks me why do I stay? She's not holding a gun to my head. Yes, I KNOW THAT! I could leave anytime I want to, but I don't want to. I love her and I love our children. I don't stay out of obligation or some resolute responsibility. Fuck no! But this great balancing act is just TOUGH - and I don't do it very well. My makeup is beginning to show signs of wear and tear and you can see through the painted smile I have on my face to the scared little boy and the demonic dark passenger that is on the inside.

The majority of the time I feel like I am simply faking it and drifting through life, like a sailboat w/o its sails. No direction; no course; no purpose. I think about all the things that come w/ being an adult (which, WAKE UP, I am one!), and it makes me want to run to the corner and suck my thumb. Hmmmm. Is there any wonder why I keep turning to the things (e.g. masturbation, smoking, etc) that bring me "comfort?!" HAHA Some guys my age just seem to have it all together. Sure, they're probably home at 5 w/ their pants off in front of the computer at 5:10, but they just seem to have a better handle on the scary adult things e.g. retirement planning and saving, investments, career goals, insurance, etc. etc. Holy damn! There's just so much to take in and understand - my weak and feeble brain can't handle it.

Plus, w/ no Spirit nor church membership, it makes those feelings of floating and aimless wandering and being lost so much more real and intense. I am 6 months into my excommunication, but I am not doing much of anything to develop a relationship w/ Christ and God or work my way back towards being re-baptized. In fact, I have such enormous feelings of anger and bitterness and hostility toward my Heavenly Father and Christ that it's actually pretty frightening. That fucktard Satan wants me really, really bad and he's slowly and quietly and carefully putting more chains around my neck so he can drag me to hell. I know my hard-heart and numbness and loss of emotion comes from him (stupid asshole). But it's so very difficult for me to do what I know I need to do and ask for help and a softening of my heart; to HUMBLE myself and pray to God for assistance and comfort. It's as if God and I are having a stand off; God sees me hurting and suffering and spinning my wheels, yet I'll be damned it he will just step in and HELP ME w/o me having to ask for it. Where the hell is my miraculous conversion or redemption from hell-story like the Sons of Mosiah or Alma? Ooooo that pisses me off. I'm the one that has to go to Him and ask for help. And if I don't humble myself on my own? Then I'll be compelled to be humble either through a sickness, or an accident, or SOMETHING. Yea, I'm kind of bitter. :P

I know I am the one that has pulled away and distanced myself from God; he has not moved. And I am the one that is choosing to feel and stay this way. In all my life I have never felt more empty, more detached, and more numb than I do now. And I'm not doing anything really bad, per se. It's just an overall feeling and sense I have. It fucking sucks. Life blows lately. But Spring is almost here, and perhaps it'll be just the thing I need to stir my soul and wake me the fuck up!