What was refreshing about this guy is it wasn't about lust or just getting it on (my typical m.o. for the countless dudes I've been w/ in the past). I loved to just be w/ him, or think about getting together w/ him. He is the first man I've kissed since I got married, and it was wonderful. I was content and free and happy when I was w/ him. I had no worries. To feel his scruff and to stare into his eyes. To snuggle w/ him and to feel his arm, chest, and a little back hair ;) We sat in the car and just talked...DEEP talks. We had lunches and dinners and movies together. I couldn't wait to see him every day. He was genuine and handsome and sweet and thoughtful and (for me) perfect.
This affair had absolutely nothing to do w/ feelings of unhappiness toward my wife or my family. It did, however, have everything to do w/ how he completed and fulfilled a very real need I have in my life; a need my wife will never be able to fulfill. The need for love and touch and attention and affirmation from a man.
He and I both kind of knew our relationship was 'doomed' from the beginning and it was futile falling more in love w/ one another. I was not going to leave my wife and family and embrace my gayness. We/I tried to break things off a week into our relationship. We wept and sobbed and wept and sobbed some more and it hurt like fucking hell. I have NEVER felt that before....ever. But after all that, I just couldn't say goodbye to him or let him go. So I ran right back to him the next day and toyed w/ his and my emotions for another week. Would it have been easier if I had just moved on the first time? I don't know. But I don't regret spending another week w/ him.
There's so much more to say about this; so many more thoughts and emotions and feelings that I have talked out in my own mind and to him and to my friends and wife. The fact is I just don't know if I will ever experience peace in this life - one way or another. Whether I go this way or that, I will forever be lacking something. Hip-hip-hooray for being a married, Mormon sex addict dealing w/ same-sex lust.! :P
But one thing I do know, a part of me will never be over him. It tears my guts out to let him go and to try and move on w/ my life. I know he'll move on and meet another guy and he'll be happy. But I will never forget him and what he did for me and how he made me feel. I wish him nothing but the best in life and his future relationships. We only had 2 weeks together, but they were truly wonderful, happy times and I'll miss him. I DO miss him, so-fucking-much.
Much love to you, Sir - you know who you are. Like I told you once before, you can never go through your life w/o knowing somebody loved and cared about you and that you made them happy, even if it was for such a short while.