It's Spring. Well, it's trying to be Spring. Spring offers new life, renewal, freshness, growth, and hope. Spring (late Spring here in ID) has become one of my favorite times of year. The grass and everything turns green, the birds chirp and sing, the sun warms the earth and fills me w/ peace and energy and contentment, the trees and flowers blossom w/ beautiful colors and fragrances. I soak in every sight, sound, and smell I come across. With how extremely dark and cold my life has become I am hoping beyond hope that the oncoming Spring will help me turn this scary corner. I do not like where I am at today; yet I admit at the same time, I find comfort in it. HAHA This ole' brain is a pretty fucked up place, full of constant mutually exclusive thoughts and feelings churning inside it like a giant whirlpool.
I am turning 35 in 2 weeks. 35-fuckin'-years-old! And here I am....completely wandering and feeling my way through this farce of a life as one does a pitch-black room. I know and realize I have much to be thankful for, but it's so hard to not let the overwhelming dark feelings of failure and mediocrity consume me. :P Sometimes I just don't know if I'm ever going to "get it" (aka LIFE). When the hell am I going to wake up and come to the fucking party?! I am the 'patriarch' of a family that consists of a loving and supportive wife and 4 beautiful children; yet I consistently seem to stumble and fall, hurt, and disappoint. I am a 15 yr. old rebellious, experimental boy stuck in a 34 yr old body - w/ a wife and kids to boot! Sometimes the pressures of life (my wife didn't like it when I lumped her and the kids in the 'pressure' category) seems too much. It irks me that when I do fuck up, which is pretty much an expected, normal thing nowadays, it's not just myself it affects anymore. And that pressure really gets to me. My wife asks me why do I stay? She's not holding a gun to my head. Yes, I KNOW THAT! I could leave anytime I want to, but I don't want to. I love her and I love our children. I don't stay out of obligation or some resolute responsibility. Fuck no! But this great balancing act is just TOUGH - and I don't do it very well. My makeup is beginning to show signs of wear and tear and you can see through the painted smile I have on my face to the scared little boy and the demonic dark passenger that is on the inside.
The majority of the time I feel like I am simply faking it and drifting through life, like a sailboat w/o its sails. No direction; no course; no purpose. I think about all the things that come w/ being an adult (which, WAKE UP, I am one!), and it makes me want to run to the corner and suck my thumb. Hmmmm. Is there any wonder why I keep turning to the things (e.g. masturbation, smoking, etc) that bring me "comfort?!" HAHA Some guys my age just seem to have it all together. Sure, they're probably home at 5 w/ their pants off in front of the computer at 5:10, but they just seem to have a better handle on the scary adult things e.g. retirement planning and saving, investments, career goals, insurance, etc. etc. Holy damn! There's just so much to take in and understand - my weak and feeble brain can't handle it.
Plus, w/ no Spirit nor church membership, it makes those feelings of floating and aimless wandering and being lost so much more real and intense. I am 6 months into my excommunication, but I am not doing much of anything to develop a relationship w/ Christ and God or work my way back towards being re-baptized. In fact, I have such enormous feelings of anger and bitterness and hostility toward my Heavenly Father and Christ that it's actually pretty frightening. That fucktard Satan wants me really, really bad and he's slowly and quietly and carefully putting more chains around my neck so he can drag me to hell. I know my hard-heart and numbness and loss of emotion comes from him (stupid asshole). But it's so very difficult for me to do what I know I need to do and ask for help and a softening of my heart; to HUMBLE myself and pray to God for assistance and comfort. It's as if God and I are having a stand off; God sees me hurting and suffering and spinning my wheels, yet I'll be damned it he will just step in and HELP ME w/o me having to ask for it. Where the hell is my miraculous conversion or redemption from hell-story like the Sons of Mosiah or Alma? Ooooo that pisses me off. I'm the one that has to go to Him and ask for help. And if I don't humble myself on my own? Then I'll be compelled to be humble either through a sickness, or an accident, or SOMETHING. Yea, I'm kind of bitter. :P
I know I am the one that has pulled away and distanced myself from God; he has not moved. And I am the one that is choosing to feel and stay this way. In all my life I have never felt more empty, more detached, and more numb than I do now. And I'm not doing anything really bad, per se. It's just an overall feeling and sense I have. It fucking sucks. Life blows lately. But Spring is almost here, and perhaps it'll be just the thing I need to stir my soul and wake me the fuck up!