Monday, April 21, 2014

Letting You Go

For the first time in my entire life, I experienced true, deep feelings for another guy. I only knew him for 2 weeks to the day, but he completely rocked my world and touched my heart in ways no one has done before. It's hard to say I was 'in love' w/ him, but a part of me was. Perhaps those two weeks was just a honeymoon phase we were in that would have eventually wore off X amount of time down the road, but from the first moment I met him it was truly different; it was deeper and more wonderful than anything I've ever known w/ a guy. And I enjoyed it. And it killed me.

What was refreshing about this guy is it wasn't about lust or just getting it on (my typical m.o. for the countless dudes I've been w/ in the past). I loved to just be w/ him, or think about getting together w/ him. He is the first man I've kissed since I got married, and it was wonderful. I was content and free and happy when I was w/ him. I had no worries. To feel his scruff and to stare into his eyes. To snuggle w/ him and to feel his arm, chest, and a little back hair ;) We sat in the car and just talked...DEEP talks. We had lunches and dinners and movies together. I couldn't wait to see him every day. He was genuine and handsome and sweet and thoughtful and (for me) perfect.

This affair had absolutely nothing to do w/ feelings of unhappiness toward my wife or my family. It did, however, have everything to do w/ how he completed and fulfilled a very real need I have in my life; a need my wife will never be able to fulfill. The need for love and touch and attention and affirmation from a man.

He and I both kind of knew our relationship was 'doomed' from the beginning and it was futile falling more in love w/ one another. I was not going to leave my wife and family and embrace my gayness. We/I tried to break things off a week into our relationship. We wept and sobbed and wept and sobbed some more and it hurt like fucking hell. I have NEVER felt that before....ever. But after all that, I just couldn't say goodbye to him or let him go. So I ran right back to him the next day and toyed w/ his and my emotions for another week. Would it have been easier if I had just moved on the first time? I don't know. But I don't regret spending another week w/ him.

There's so much more to say about this; so many more thoughts and emotions and feelings that I have talked out in my own mind and to him and to my friends and wife. The fact is I just don't know if I will ever experience peace in this life - one way or another. Whether I go this way or that, I will forever be lacking something. Hip-hip-hooray for being a married, Mormon sex addict dealing w/ same-sex lust.! :P

But one thing I do know, a part of me will never be over him. It tears my guts out to let him go and to try and move on w/ my life. I know he'll move on and meet another guy and he'll be happy. But I will never forget him and what he did for me and how he made me feel. I wish him nothing but the best in life and his future relationships. We only had 2 weeks together, but they were truly wonderful, happy times and I'll miss him. I DO miss him, so-fucking-much. 

Much love to you, Sir - you know who you are. Like I told you once before, you can never go through your life w/o knowing somebody loved and cared about you and that you made them happy, even if it was for such a short while.


  1. I recently came across your blog and have been reading through it. I was born and raised in a very devout and active LDS family, got my endowments, served an honorable mission, attended BYU - the whole nine yards as far as being a Mormon goes. But I am also a gay man and after a lot of thought and struggle I finally decided that for my own happiness and peace of mind it was best if I left the church. I have not looked back since. I am now married to a wonderful man who fulfills me in every sense of the word and makes me complete. Man is that he might have joy and I have real joy in my life. Even my devout and active Mormon family have to admit how much happier I am since I found and married my husband. I am sorry that you do not seem to have much joy in your life. I must admit that your blog is grim reading sometimes. I sincerely hope you can find the peace and joy you are seeking. I do wonder if you (and your wife) might not be happier in the long run going your separate ways and finding partners who could better fulfill each of you because right now it sounds absolutely miserable. You say that you are not gay and never will be. And I do agree with you that sexuality can be a spectrum instead of an either or thing. But you do seem to be pretty far on the gay side of the spectrum (whether you want to admit it or not). While you say you enjoy sex with your wife (and I do not doubt you) it is obviously not enough or lacking something because (if I am not mistaken) all of the cheating and sexual things you have done outside of your marriage have only been with men. There is a very deep and significant part of you that can only be fulfilled by an emotional and physical relationship with a man. You might ignore it, push it away, pretend it is not the real you, but it will always be there. Always. Even if you never had a physical or emotional connection with another man again it will be there. It is an integral part of you. Might not all your troubles come down to the fact that you have not accepted this truth and made peace with it?

  2. I choked up reading about your "two weeks" (after reading about the crisis in your early midlife). I had a two-week experience of an enormous connection and, I shall say, love. I did not choose to part though as he was moving overseas for a few years.
    Oh that heart-wrenching separation, like paradise being torn from you. It means something, it has to. I read (Thomas Moore) that such desires of our heart are like a pinhole though which a human person can glimpse eternity and the nature of God's love beyond. Our letters continue, the care goes on. No idea about the future.

    Some good remarks from Edward Morgan here too. Wow. But so hard to move on from a marriage that is so delightful and meaningful, while still incomplete.

    ... rolling with the punches.