It's interesting how my life works. The seasons come and go; my mood and attitude ebb and flow like the waves of the ocean; experiences and memories happen and then sometimes fade; reality and emotion swirls around and within me like a storm.
It's been one hell of a spring for me. I have never been closer to suicide than I have been before. I had and lost the first guy I have ever loved. I almost closed and locked my heart away from my wife and family. My relationship w/ God and Christ is more distant and estranged than ever. I feel like I'm stuck on an exercise bike, constantly peddling but going no where. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be truly happy again and experience the peace and content I so desperately desire.
One thing this past relationship taught me was you only go through this life once. Do what makes YOU happy and don't live your life for anybody else. Of course, he was meaning it more to be 'come out, accept yourself as a gay man, and live your life.' While I do understand this and a part of me does yearn for it, I cannot do that. Simply b/c my testimony of the gospel is too intense and strong and cannot be waived. He didn't understand this. He did make me happy and I have never felt content and repletion quite like that before. But I made my choice. I am continuing forward in my marriage and relationship w/ my wife and will continue to battle w/ my same sex attraction the best I can. But the gospel is really the only thing that is keeping me anchored; even the love I have for my wife and children isn't strong enough to hold me anymore.
Will it get any easier? As the world around us gets gayer and gayer by the day, will I be able to continue to resist the call of the wild? Who knows. But for now, I am not leaving my wife and children and the life we have together and embracing my homosexuality.
Am I gay? Yes, I am. And I accept that. But my situation is precarious and now it's time to start making peace w/ it, even though I'm in the situation I am in (at my own choice).
After many lonely and broken days, tears, trials, and hardships, I am ready to take control of my life once again and start making some positive changes and steps in a different (and hopefully right) direction. This change, for me, is scary but is necessary. Rather than continue to pass day after day, month after month, and year after year at my current job that is taking me nowhere (yet providing a comfortable living), and growing older and more restless, I have decided to make some major alterations to my life...
A) I am going to list my home for sale and hopefully make a small profit on the improvements we have made;
B) I am putting in a 3 month notice at my current job, where I have been at for almost 8 years;
C) I have applied for a Master's Program in something I have always wanted to do and am just waiting for a letter of acceptance;
D) I am bidding adieu to Idaho and moving somewhere warm and sunshiny - perhaps permanently, but for now, temporarily while I finish school;
E) I am selling our '08 Honda Odyssey for something a little older, but that I can buy out-right and save myself a monthly car payment;
F) I am going to continue to get more active in the LDS SSA community and be an example and help to others who also carry this cross.
Given I do not have the Holy Ghost w/ me anymore, I'm trying to sort through my feelings and emotions and decipher for myself if this is a good thing for my family and I at this time. I do not feel any apprehension or anxiety about any of this and I have to take that as a good thing. I suppose if it's meant to be, things will fall into place and everything will happen as it should.
So that's where I'm at. Even though it was a terribly dark, gloomy and melancholy winter and spring, I'm hoping I can take that hurt and pain and use it as a springboard to help drive me into a more glorious and happy future.
Here's to exciting changes and new beginnings!
I really liked this poem I found on DeviantArt. Thanks be to BrOkEn2NiTe in 2006:
"Random memories and starlight.
I'm good today, but don't ask me why.
Smiles dancing on my lips again.
Seems like I'm moving past this, my old friend.
There's nothing left for me in yesterday.
I've stopped wishing for words you'll never say.
I used to struggle with every step.
A tear matching every single breath.
But now waking up doesn't seem so hard.
Time is the only cure for a broken heart.
There's nothing left for me in yesterday.
Don't bother tomorrow because I'm living in today.
Life goes on,
The world still turns.
We still build bridges,
Just to watch them burn.
I still think of you,
When it's cold outside.
The days were long,
But life goes on."