Wednesday, August 20, 2014

My Mid-Life Crisis

As I look over and assess my life this past year, I think the only conclusion I can make is that I've been in the throes of  a mid-life crisis. I can't be sure that's exactly what it is as I'm only 35, but given my attitude, feelings, thoughts and actions these past 9 months, I'm pretty sure that's what has been happening. A friend recently told me that he likes to think a mid-life crisis is a kind of tipping point - when our thoughts, dreams, goals, hopes, and expectations suddenly meet our reality. The web defines it as "an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle age."

The following are tell-tell signs of a mid-life (which, frighteningly enough, I have or am experiencing every single one):

  • Unhappiness with life and the lifestyle that may have provided them with happiness for many years.
  • Boredom with people and things that may have been of interest to them before.
  • Feeling a need for adventure and change.
  • Questioning the choices, they have made in their lives and the validity of decisions they made years before.
  • Confusion about who they are and where they are going.
  • Anger at their spouse and blame for feeling tied down.
  • Unable to make decisions about where they want to go with their life.
  • Doubt that they ever loved their spouse and resentment over the marriage.
  • A desire for a new and passionate, intimate relationships.
  • Desiring to quit a good job.
  • Unexplained bouts of depression when doing tasks that used to make you happy.
  • Changing or investigating new religions, churches or new age philosophy.
  • Change of habits. Activities which used to bring pleasure now are boring. Unable to complete or concentrate on tasks which used to be easy.
  • It feels good to get hurt.
  • Wanting to run away from everything.
  • Irritability or unexpected anger.
  • Thinking about death, wondering about the nature of death.
  • A desire to surround yourself with different settings.
  • Feeling trapped or tied down by fiscal responsibilities.

Some of the personal shit I've been dealing w/ these past 9 months:

~My sexual behaviors escalated to the point I was excommunicated from the church, but I don't yet have the desire to get back in;
~Reassessing my beliefs in God, life, death, my purpose,  what is to come, etc.;
~A deep, dark depression that almost ended in my suicide;
~I started smoking  (again) 1/2 pack a day. It has now been 6 months which is the longest stint of smoking I've ever had. But I can't quit;
~Wanting/preparing to change my job even though a lot of people would die to have the freedom, opportunity, history and influence I have there;
~Putting my house up for sale even though we just moved in last year;
~Going back to school (accepted, haven't started) and completely changing career paths;
~Moving away/changing states and climates;
~Falling in love w/ a man & having an affair w/ him - my first "love" affair w/ a man;
~After 10 years of marriage, almost leaving my wife and children to pursue a gay lifestyle;
~Losing interest in just about everything - friends, hobbies, movies, family, work, church, etc.;
~Almost getting my scrotum/cock pierced - WTF;
~Desire for high-risk activities and adventures and not fearing bodily harm or injury or even death.

The scary part of all this is I feel so damn weird all of the time. I feel as if I'm lost in time; just passing the days and disassociated w/ myself and reality. I can't believe it's almost September again and we're moving toward another long, gray, cold, dark, depressing fucking winter! I honestly don't know how all of this is going to turn out in the end. I wish I could see where I'm going to be at in 1 year's time and if all of this is going to pass and iron itself out, but I unfortunately cannot.

Who the fuck am I?
Where the fuck do I want to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years?
What the fuck are my likes/dislikes?
What the fuck do I believe in?
What the fuck do I want to do w/ the rest of my life?
What the fuck do I enjoy doing in my spare time?
What the fuck are my likes/dislikes?