I haven't been doing very well lately. My old habits have been rearing their ugly head. I have been acting out w/ anon guys again on a pretty regular basis. This time around, however, it hasn't been just mutual j/o sessions in the car together. It's been the full monty (full-on sex). My decline has been pretty rapid over the course of the summer. I think a lot of it has to do w/ me not giving a shit about a whole lot anymore. What started out as watching porn and jacking off once or twice a day, has quickly escalated to 8-9 times a day. This week I had a hook up w/ a guy from Craigslist on Monday. Then I had another anon hook up on Tuesday with a different guy (today is Wednesday, by the way). When I was in Europe for work a few weeks ago I went to a German gay bar/club and ended up barebacking 4 different guys. It was dark and hot, yet I left feeling extremely unfulfilled and unsatisfied in the end (to an extent).
One thing I have noticed this time around that is so, so different than times past is my heart isn't solely in the fucking and getting off. I realize the principal reason why I am having these encounters is for the male affection I desperately crave and need. The affection is where it is at; it's the cat's pajamas and it is über more fulfilling than the actual fuck fest. In regards to all my hook ups lately, I spend a lot of the time kissing, touching, rubbing, hugging, holding, massaging, etc. Of course, it does inevitably end w/ him usually sucking me off or asking me to fuck him, which I oblige. But that isn't what is fulfilling me anymore. I want the connection, the affection, the emotion, the passion, the tenderness, the closeness. I have never felt that before. In all the 100's of sexual hookups I have had in my lifetime I never cared about the closeness or affection or emotion. But all that has changed since my relationship this past Spring. For whatever reason he changed me; and I'm so glad he did. It's very different now, which a good thing, and I look at all this gay shit I deal w/ under a new light.
Now if I can just harness my anon passion and desires and find a good friend or someone that I can have and share all those feelings and emotions and affection w/ but still keep things on the up and up and appropriate, I'll be golden. He's out there and I'll find him.