Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Craving Male Affection

One of the questions I hate the very most is, "how are you doing?" I hate it b/c I don't know what kind of a response to give. What do they want to know? What is their intention by even asking me? And I'm not talking about the gas station attendant or the little old lady at the grocery store. I'm talking about my close friends and other acquaintances that supposedly "care about" and "love" me. Do they really, truly care? Do they really want me to lay it on them?  I 'm pretty sure they don't want me to delve into all the reasons I'm a complete fucktard so I typically give the general, canned response of "fine". Plus, I don't really know how to answer that question properly b/c I myself don't even know how I'm doing or what I am feeling. I am simply existing.

I haven't been doing very well lately. My old habits have been rearing their ugly head. I have been acting out w/ anon guys again on a pretty regular basis. This time around, however, it hasn't been just mutual j/o sessions in the car together. It's been the full monty (full-on sex). My decline has been pretty rapid over the course of the summer. I think a lot of it has to do w/ me not giving a shit about a  whole lot anymore. What started out as watching porn and jacking off once or twice a day, has quickly escalated to 8-9 times a day. This week I had a hook up w/ a guy from Craigslist on Monday. Then I had another anon hook up on Tuesday with a different guy (today is Wednesday, by the way). When I was in Europe for work a few weeks ago I went to a German gay bar/club and ended up barebacking 4 different guys. It was dark and hot, yet I left feeling extremely unfulfilled and unsatisfied in the end (to an extent).

One thing I have noticed this time around that is so, so different than times past is my heart isn't solely in the fucking and getting off. I realize the principal reason why I am having these encounters is for the male affection I desperately crave and need. The affection is where it is at; it's the cat's pajamas and it is ├╝ber more fulfilling than the actual fuck fest. In regards to all my hook ups lately, I spend a lot of the time kissing, touching, rubbing, hugging, holding, massaging, etc.  Of course, it does inevitably end w/ him usually sucking me off or asking me to fuck him, which I oblige. But that isn't what is fulfilling me anymore. I want the connection, the affection, the emotion, the passion, the tenderness, the closeness. I have never felt that before. In all the 100's of sexual hookups I have had in my lifetime I never cared about the closeness or affection or emotion. But all that has changed since my relationship this past Spring. For whatever reason he changed me; and I'm so glad he did. It's very different now, which a good thing, and I look at all this gay shit I deal w/ under a new light.

Now if I can just harness my anon passion and desires and find a good friend or someone that I can have and share all those feelings and emotions and affection w/ but still keep things on the up and up and appropriate, I'll be golden. He's out there and I'll find him.