Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Craving Male Affection

One of the questions I hate the very most is, "how are you doing?" I hate it b/c I don't know what kind of a response to give. What do they want to know? What is their intention by even asking me? And I'm not talking about the gas station attendant or the little old lady at the grocery store. I'm talking about my close friends and other acquaintances that supposedly "care about" and "love" me. Do they really, truly care? Do they really want me to lay it on them?  I 'm pretty sure they don't want me to delve into all the reasons I'm a complete fucktard so I typically give the general, canned response of "fine". Plus, I don't really know how to answer that question properly b/c I myself don't even know how I'm doing or what I am feeling. I am simply existing.

I haven't been doing very well lately. My old habits have been rearing their ugly head. I have been acting out w/ anon guys again on a pretty regular basis. This time around, however, it hasn't been just mutual j/o sessions in the car together. It's been the full monty (full-on sex). My decline has been pretty rapid over the course of the summer. I think a lot of it has to do w/ me not giving a shit about a  whole lot anymore. What started out as watching porn and jacking off once or twice a day, has quickly escalated to 8-9 times a day. This week I had a hook up w/ a guy from Craigslist on Monday. Then I had another anon hook up on Tuesday with a different guy (today is Wednesday, by the way). When I was in Europe for work a few weeks ago I went to a German gay bar/club and ended up barebacking 4 different guys. It was dark and hot, yet I left feeling extremely unfulfilled and unsatisfied in the end (to an extent).

One thing I have noticed this time around that is so, so different than times past is my heart isn't solely in the fucking and getting off. I realize the principal reason why I am having these encounters is for the male affection I desperately crave and need. The affection is where it is at; it's the cat's pajamas and it is ├╝ber more fulfilling than the actual fuck fest. In regards to all my hook ups lately, I spend a lot of the time kissing, touching, rubbing, hugging, holding, massaging, etc.  Of course, it does inevitably end w/ him usually sucking me off or asking me to fuck him, which I oblige. But that isn't what is fulfilling me anymore. I want the connection, the affection, the emotion, the passion, the tenderness, the closeness. I have never felt that before. In all the 100's of sexual hookups I have had in my lifetime I never cared about the closeness or affection or emotion. But all that has changed since my relationship this past Spring. For whatever reason he changed me; and I'm so glad he did. It's very different now, which a good thing, and I look at all this gay shit I deal w/ under a new light.

Now if I can just harness my anon passion and desires and find a good friend or someone that I can have and share all those feelings and emotions and affection w/ but still keep things on the up and up and appropriate, I'll be golden. He's out there and I'll find him.




7 comments:

  1. I hope you are doing better. I love you and am sorry to see you struggling so hard.

    I do hope you have told your wife about your escapades because I know you are sexually active with her. She does NOT deserve to get any std because of what you are doing, right?

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    1. Hi Duck.
      Believe it or not my wife does know about my stupid shenanigans. And we are using precautions until I get myself tested.

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  2. Why don't you leave your marriage so that you can be free to pursue a lasting, committed relationship with a man that you love?

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  3. I agree with the other anonymous commenter. I have followed your blog for some time now. I'm a gay Mormon man married to a woman, but I am fulfilled in my marriage (seriously). I wouldn't normally encourage divorce, but it sounds miserable. What keeps you and your wife together? If you're completely unfulfilled, then figure out how to be fulfilled. If you're not committed to keeping your marital covenants, then why hold on to them. Commit to someone you can love and stop the cycle you're in. I'm anxious for you to figure this out, because we all want you to be happy. Best of luck.

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  4. Oh wow yeah I heed you ... the reason for being, the joy of loving, male connection, that deepest desire is what you're now able to stare in the face because of your Springtime relationship which carried you over some dick-centric threshold into a world of the heart and soul. You know, I reckon there are plenty of sex-obsessed straight men that find the same path, its just harder for same-sex attracted men - because life is often lived in the shadows with no way of flourishing. But, this longing should flourish and be fulfilled and lived out in a constructive relationship which flows out into the rest of your life with your kids, your work, but perhaps not your wife.

    Then when some of us find the truth, we look sadly away, ignoring the chance at our preference for love, because we already made our choices, our vows, and "real men" stick with their choices. I'm just saying. Not that it's right to stay in the marriage. But many of us do.

    I ask myself, do we have to cut ourselves some slack. Forgive ourselves for our bad life-choices and get on with good choices. You are a prime example of what DOES NOT work... and gives me a logical basis to move on from my own marriage. If you're a fucktard, I'm a minifucktard - and not working either.

    Would love to see you take all that sheer masculin passion, desire and energy and channel it into something/someone who can return your affection and enhance your life and give you a reason to open your eyes wide each day.

    :)

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    Replies
    1. You have a beautiful way w/ words, Mark.
      Thank you for reading and for your comments.
      :)

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    2. I wanted to say the same thing about your words!! - so honest and full of pathos, you can convey the great contradiction of your extacies and your pains. Sigh.

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