Today, Oct 13 2014, marks 1 year to the day since I was excommunicated from the LDS (Mormon) church.
Today I've been reflecting on all that has happened this past year and also to ask myself how am I doing? Where am I at in my road to getting back into full fellowship? Where is my heart, my intentions, my faith and desire? The simple answer to those questions: I don't know. I don't know where I'm at; I don't even know how to answer any of those questions. It's as if my mind has drawn a blank. It doesn't want to find and agree on an answer. It's almost as if I am spiritually and mentally detached.
I still have my testimony. That has not changed nor will it ever change! I truly believe in the truthfulness of this gospel and everything that comes w/ it. But I am spiritually weak - to the point I am truly frightened by how weak I am. The desire to get back into the church and take the steps I have to take to do so is null. I am not ready mentally or spiritually to be re-baptized; yet I'm not doing anything about it and I have no idea why. That's what scares me. As tumultuous as things are in the world today I am left floating around in it, left to my own devices, w/ no safety in the gospel or in covenants I have made or am keeping. I have no relationship w/ God. I have no relationship w/ Christ. I have no desire to pray, read my scriptures, fast, or attend church meetings. I didn't watch or listen to one word of General Conference two weeks ago b/c I had absolutely no desire to do so. In fact, I looked at Gen'l Conference as more of an irritation. I don't want to involve myself in sugary-sweet social activities. I don't want to do ANYTHING.
What is wrong w/ me? Am I lazy? Am I prideful? Am I spiritually dead? Is there someone or something else inside my head that is keeping me from goodness and the light? I wish you could be in my head for a few minutes to experience the deadness I feel. It is a very real thing, even though there is nothing there to feel at all.