Monday, October 13, 2014

Excommunication...One Year Later

Today, Oct 13 2014, marks 1 year to the day since I was excommunicated from the LDS (Mormon) church.

Today I've been reflecting on all that has happened this past year and also to ask myself how am I doing? Where am I at in my road to getting back into full fellowship? Where is my heart, my intentions, my faith and desire? The simple answer to those questions: I don't know. I don't know where I'm at; I don't even know how to answer any of those questions. It's as if my mind has drawn a blank. It doesn't want to find and agree on an answer. It's almost as if I am spiritually and mentally detached.

I still have my testimony. That has not changed nor will it ever change! I truly believe in the truthfulness of this gospel and everything that comes w/ it. But I am spiritually weak - to the point I am truly frightened by how weak I am. The desire to get back into the church and take the steps I have to take to do so is null. I am not ready mentally or spiritually to be re-baptized; yet I'm not doing anything about it and I have no idea why. That's what scares me. As tumultuous as things are in the world today I am left floating around in it, left to my own devices, w/ no safety in the gospel or in covenants I have made or am keeping.  I have no relationship w/ God. I have no relationship w/ Christ. I have no desire to pray, read my scriptures, fast, or attend church meetings. I didn't watch or listen to one word of General Conference two weeks ago b/c I had absolutely no desire to do so. In fact, I looked at Gen'l Conference as more of an irritation. I don't want to involve myself in sugary-sweet social activities. I don't want to do ANYTHING.

What is wrong w/ me? Am I lazy? Am I prideful? Am I spiritually dead? Is there someone or something else inside my head that is keeping me from goodness and the light? I wish you could be in my head for a few minutes to experience the deadness I feel. It is a very real thing, even though there is nothing there to feel at all.


2 comments:

  1. I think, my dear, that you are depressed. Have you considered therapy? Long term? What does your wife think about all this? Do you feel touched spiritually by your children, feel their love, feel love for them?

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  2. Duck:
    I am thinking the same thing. Depression is characterized by lack of lustre, distancing self, disinterest, the incredible "deadness". But I'm also thinking "therapy" won't be able to help in such a case. Sure, medicines can deaden the symptoms and everything seems ok. But DP's feeling of not wanting anything seems to my unqualified (but experienced) opinion to come from a deep-seated disatisfaction. Add to that a need to "feel" ok, and the thrill of risky ventures, and the need for the affection and love which DP searches for - and well - its an impossibility for living well and happy.

    DP:
    Spiritually dead - definitely not - or you wouldn't care about this.
    Lazy - unlikely - seem pretty resourceful about getting what you want.
    Prideful - who isn't? Maybe your "about me: hapilly married" is prideful.
    (proud father is not even questionable if you are indeed a proud father, married/unmarried, gay/bi/str8 - can always be a proud father)
    Someone else in you head - "Its not what goes into a man that makes him unclean, its what comes out of a man"
    You've got a really tough rudder to turn if you want your life.
    You've got a really simple admission to make if you want YOUR life.

    And I'd have to say :(
    me too

    Mark

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