Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Let's Play Master and Servant

Dominate: To rule over; govern; control.
Submit: To give over or yield to the power or authority of another.

As men, our role in this life is to dominate. I don't mean that with a negative connotation; but, simply put, we are the strong, brave, headstrong, valiant protectors. We are the fighters; the hunters;  the defenders. We are to preside, protect and provide for our women and families. We help them feel safe and secure and are asked to boldly defend them, our country, our freedoms, etc. Even though men and women, husbands and wives, are to be "equal partners" in this life, a woman's role is primarily to 'serve' her husband and submit to him. It is, or should be, the man who is the bread winner and the decision maker. The man is confident and courageous, strong and noble.

I love being a man. I have no secret desire to be a woman. I'm happy w/ who I am (to an extent), but not particularly who I am. While I am ok w/ being a man and the responsibility that comes w/ it sometimes I don't feel like I can or want to fill the shoes I am supposed to fill as a man. Sometimes I don't want to be the strong protector and provider. Sometimes I don't want to be the wise decision maker that stands gallant and fearless at the head of my family. Too often I feel scared, powerless, weak, tired, confused, and unconfident; all the things a man shouldn't feel or be as he fills the role as the fearless dominater.

I want someone to protect me and watch over me.
I want to put my head on the strong chest of a man as I lie next to him in bed or on the couch.
I want to feel a man's arms around me at the movie or hugging me and holding me so tight it hurts.
I want to be under a man as he dominates me and takes control and does w/ me as he wishes.

I have talked to my wife about these feelings I have been having lately, especially my intense cravings to be dominated by a man. I have told her all of it, holding nothing back. She said that perhaps these feelings come from a lifetime of being beat down by others, all the while spoon fed by my parents and never feeling like I have control over my life. I basically had my ass wiped by my parents until well after I was married! I never had to work growing up. I was given everything and anything I wanted. I was completely spoiled rotten. While I can't blame my parents for how fucked up I am today as a man and husband, I know a lot of it does have to do w/ my upbringing.

I have written a lot in the past about feeling like I am floating through my life. I have no idea what I want or where I am going or how to get there. I'm so very scared about EVERYTHING. I can't make decisions on my own or for myself. I feel like I don't have control in my life like I used to (having children will definitely do that to you). So, presumably, I want someone to come in and take control of me FOR me. It does make sense when I look at it like that. The trick is to grow some fucking balls and start taking control of my life and leading out and becoming who I want to be! To become more confident and self-assured and resolute and secure and capable.

2 questions that remain: 1) Can I do this, and 2) If so, then how?