Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Let's Play Master and Servant

Dominate: To rule over; govern; control.
Submit: To give over or yield to the power or authority of another.

As men, our role in this life is to dominate. I don't mean that with a negative connotation; but, simply put, we are the strong, brave, headstrong, valiant protectors. We are the fighters; the hunters;  the defenders. We are to preside, protect and provide for our women and families. We help them feel safe and secure and are asked to boldly defend them, our country, our freedoms, etc. Even though men and women, husbands and wives, are to be "equal partners" in this life, a woman's role is primarily to 'serve' her husband and submit to him. It is, or should be, the man who is the bread winner and the decision maker. The man is confident and courageous, strong and noble.

I love being a man. I have no secret desire to be a woman. I'm happy w/ who I am (to an extent), but not particularly who I am. While I am ok w/ being a man and the responsibility that comes w/ it sometimes I don't feel like I can or want to fill the shoes I am supposed to fill as a man. Sometimes I don't want to be the strong protector and provider. Sometimes I don't want to be the wise decision maker that stands gallant and fearless at the head of my family. Too often I feel scared, powerless, weak, tired, confused, and unconfident; all the things a man shouldn't feel or be as he fills the role as the fearless dominater.

I want someone to protect me and watch over me.
I want to put my head on the strong chest of a man as I lie next to him in bed or on the couch.
I want to feel a man's arms around me at the movie or hugging me and holding me so tight it hurts.
I want to be under a man as he dominates me and takes control and does w/ me as he wishes.

I have talked to my wife about these feelings I have been having lately, especially my intense cravings to be dominated by a man. I have told her all of it, holding nothing back. She said that perhaps these feelings come from a lifetime of being beat down by others, all the while spoon fed by my parents and never feeling like I have control over my life. I basically had my ass wiped by my parents until well after I was married! I never had to work growing up. I was given everything and anything I wanted. I was completely spoiled rotten. While I can't blame my parents for how fucked up I am today as a man and husband, I know a lot of it does have to do w/ my upbringing.

I have written a lot in the past about feeling like I am floating through my life. I have no idea what I want or where I am going or how to get there. I'm so very scared about EVERYTHING. I can't make decisions on my own or for myself. I feel like I don't have control in my life like I used to (having children will definitely do that to you). So, presumably, I want someone to come in and take control of me FOR me. It does make sense when I look at it like that. The trick is to grow some fucking balls and start taking control of my life and leading out and becoming who I want to be! To become more confident and self-assured and resolute and secure and capable.

2 questions that remain: 1) Can I do this, and 2) If so, then how?

1 comment:

  1. Oh. This reminds me of a great tagline on a gay man's profile once! It went,
    "Every man is a top; until he meets his top"

    ....always interested in your ideas DP, you have a way of putting out what many of us guys are thinking from time to time.

    I find dichotomies are always dangerous ways to try and mold character - trying to be, this way, or that way. My alternate way to think of a man is one who will pour out his life and strength, a servant of those in his care. Is this dominant? I remember it was my dignified father's rather undignified job to carry the shitbucket from the old fashioned lavatory on our farm. I can recall admiration for the speed and strength with which he dug a 2ftx2ftx2ft hole and emptied that bucket. Is that dominant? I learned strength is not always glorious, but is strength all the same. Our very strongest example of a man - prayed and trembled in Gethsemane before being carted like a criminal to his death. He wanted to back out, but did not. Neither confident, nor proud, he poured himself out to the last.

    The modern "Rahrah Winner Hero" model for manhood seems a desolate one to me.

    And what we do in bed - well that's just how we exchange love with our lover, and I like to think it takes a real man to love well... however that goes.

    And in the bigger picture, do we know even a shadow of love until we go home to Him, our creator in heaven. It seems we are at least blessed with the imperfect loves we encounter here on earth.

    (simply trying to keep the size of the HEART larger that the size of the BALLS) ;)