Tuesday, December 8, 2015

You Can't Walk With God While Holding Hands With The Devil

I truly want to be good, but he just won't let me.
It'll honestly be a fight to the death - be it physical or spiritual; mine or his.

"And there are also secret combinations, even as in times of old, according to the combinations of the devil, for he is the founder of all these things; yea, the founder of murder, and works of darkness; yea, and he leadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever." 2 Nephi 26:22

Friday, November 20, 2015

Cycle of the Werewolf/Sex Addict

Werewolves and I have a lot in common. Though unlike the full moon which triggers a werewolf's cycle, mine is triggered by any number of things: financial stress, insecurity in my male friendships, irritation/frustration at home, boredom, self-disgust and loathing, running into somebody from my past, reading/viewing triggering pictures, places and news stories, isolation, the change of seasons, etc. etc.

The behaviors of werewolves and I, in the midst of our cycle, are also eerily similar:
Animalistic, carnal, lust for blood/flesh, wild, unsympathetic, transmit shit to others, callous, fitting stealthily into society, cunning, unfeeling, crafty, vicious, secretive, evil, wicked, and demonic.

Pretty scary, eh? It's easy for me to talk about my addict as if it's another person, b/c it almost is another person. He's my dark passenger. For example, as I write this post, I am completely sane. But should I be triggered into my cycle by any one of the means listed above, I become completely INsane and everything - wife, children, health, life, time, physical safety, reputation, freedom, employment, church, etc - goes out the window. The only thing that matters is getting my fix, no matter what. My sane self has checked out and the dark passenger, my INsane self; my addict checks in.

A scenario....

I stop at a gas station for a pop refill. I use the restroom. There are 2 urinals w/ no partition between them. I choose one and begin to pee. The door opens behind me and somebody triggering comes in, stands at the urinal next to me, unzips his pants, and begins to slowly masturbate. Now,  I face a choice: A) do I zip up and turn around and quickly leave the restroom, or B) do I stay and let my DP take control? That is the tipping point; the apex. I give in: I stay, and continue to let my DP take over and allow warm temptation and beautiful addiction flood over me like a comforting, warm rushing wave. He motions me to an empty stall. I follow. No words are exchanged. I do not know anything about this person; not even his name. I am simply using him to help fulfill my natural, vulgar and carnal desires. We completely lose ourselves in wicked, lascivious lust, fueling our carnal desires and burning in our unnatural, same sex lust towards one another. There is no time. There is no wife, or kids, or consequence. There is no AIDS or disease.  There is no possibility of getting caught (or perhaps there may be some fear of discovery, but that may also add fuel to the hotness factor). There is, simply, my FIX.

We cum, and just like the wave of lust and temptation that had washed over me a few moments ago, reality now crashes in w/ a sense of impending doom and real horrid fear. We both pull up our pants and get out of there as soon as possible, each of us going our separate ways. The guilt and the fear and the shame and the disgust and self-loathing is tremendously intense. I stuff it; stuff it down and push it away as hard as I can. Don't think about it....don't think about it. I go back to work and throw myself into a project to numb the fear and guilt and each time any shred of it creeps in, I push it further down inside. My guilt may lead me to pray and promise that I will never do it again and ask for protection and forgiveness. Or I may even confess my actions to my wife. Maybe that happens.

But usually, a few hours pass and the guilt and shame and fear of the incident have given way and morphed into a carnal, lust-laden memory of my lovely sin. I decide to masturbate at the memory of the carnal hook up, reigniting that lust and again fueling my carnal same-sex desires. I masturbate several more times that day, using the devilish anonymous hook up as my go-to mental trigger and pushing that guilt and shame and fear further down and out w/ each stroke.

The next morning dawns bright and sunny, bringing w/ it a phony promise that perhaps I will hunt and find an even better, hotter experience or find an even more ideal fix than the one I had the day before.

And so the cycle of the werewolf/addict has begun...

You know, being an addict fucking sucks. And it never goes away. It never will. Sure, I may gain some sobriety and control and allow God's grace to help me; but it will always be there, lurking in the corner. Just like cancer, it has eaten away my spirit and woven itself into every piece of my life. It has sickened and almost completely destroyed my spirit and caused me and so many others sadness and hurt. Gay sex, porn, cruising for sex, voyeurism, sex toys, masturbation, sounding, smoking, bizarre fetishes, soda pop, sugar and food...all of these contribute to this earthly hell and are my prison. They are the vehicle that allows my dark passenger to take control.

Fuck addiction!

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Dysfunctional Programming: The "Joys" of Parenthood

Last night was one of those evenings that I was 'done' being a parent.

I was feeling a little on edge anyhow, b/c yesterday at lunch I ran smack into a guy I used to act out w/ pretty regularly. The sight of him didn't give me shame or remorse; it made me feel wickedly tempted and triggered....bad. I carried those triggered, jonesy feelings w/ me through the afternoon. I got home from work, had dinner w/ the family, and decided we should do a Family Home Evening lesson. We're not terribly consistent w/ our Family Home Evening lessons, per se, but we do spend an inordinate amount of time together at home as a family each night, so that's a plus. But when it comes to having an actual lesson complete w/ songs, scriptures, treats, etc, it's sporadic.

Anyhow, everything started out alright except my oldest daughter (10 yrs) was being somewhat hormonal and grouchy and didn't want to say the opening prayer. I played a song from the Primary Children's Songbook and yet me and my other daughter were the only ones singing. That kind of bugged me, since I knew my wife knows most of the lyrics too; so why the hell wasn't she singing? Then during the lesson, the kids would give silly answers to my questions and fight and kick each another. Was the freaking Spirit even present in the home? Needless to say, I could feel my resolution to even finish the lesson and any shred of good Spirit in my heart slowly ebb and withdraw. The FHE ended w/ me feeling totally disgusted w/ the state of my family, my (our) parenting, my wife, our children, our house, and my life. All the negative and dark feelings I experienced last year when I was excruciatingly tempted w/ living a gay, single life washed over me and flooded my brain.

I quietly slipped downstairs (no good nights or kisses or goodbyes), locked the door and took a long hot tub to let my mind wander and sink into depression and think more about some of the things that were troubling me and tempting me. I thought of a quiet, clean, organized apartment where I could have control and order and more "peace." Not having to worry about commitment and loyalty and fight my sexual demons. Dishes always done and clean. Laundry always washed, ironed and put away. No dry toothpaste spit in the sink. No wet towels laying around. No hair all over the floor. No crumbs or food particles on the floor. Having the kids out of sight and out of mind so I wouldn't have to stress and blame myself for their acting out and spoiled rotten behaviors. And, of course, the opportunity for sex or entertaining male suitors whenever or wherever I wanted.

But even though I was having these enticing thoughts, the good side of me was also there, fighting them off, and reminding me that family and children is where true happiness lies. Even though it's a struggle and a fight, they ARE my true joy and reason for living. Even if I should have the clean, organized apartment and all the freedom and things that come with it, I would know something was missing. My life would be lacking something. To only see my children on the weekends or every other weekend? To split holidays w/ them? To never snuggle w/ my wife in bed at night or talk and laugh w/ her and have her there for a strength, comfort and support? Are you kidding me???

I recognize that as a SGA man, I am truly and richly blessed to have the wife and children I have. Many men in my situation (gay sex/lust addicts) aren't so lucky and many will never marry a woman at all. I think for the most part, my wife and I are doing good by our children. We're certainly not the best, but neither are we the worst. I can say our children know we love them, that their mom and dad love each other and they have a safe, happy home where the Spirit resides. We're trying to give them the very best things in life and keep them safe from all the icky, scary things happening in the world, in addition to preparing them to live in it on their own someday.

Children are a challenge. They can be naughty, spoiled, little rotten shit asses. But they can also be the closest thing to heaven and purity and true happiness and innocence there is in this fucked-up world. My family is the reason I am still here, forever fighting this tremendous fight against that bitch Satan and his hordes, and struggling to keep the light in my life burning. I know where true happiness lies...and it lies in my family.

"Family: For Where Your Treasure Is, There Will Your Heart Be Also"

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Who Are These Guys?

I don't like men. Ok, I like looking at them, and I like having sex w/ them, but on a whole men are jackasses. The gay ones are diva bitches and the straight ones are unthoughtful and insensitive. Why can't dudes just be more like me?! ;)

This post isn't about any of the gay men in my life, either past or present. It has to do w/ my straight friends. While I have been richly blessed w/ some really extraordinary guy friends, sometimes they can be just assish. And me being the gay guy I am, feel naturally hurt by their straight guy behaviors (or non-behaviors). It makes me want to retreat, isolate, or stew in my anger.

I could list so many examples of this occurring in my life, but I'll just share the latest...

I took last week off for a family vacation and was out of the office during that time. When I came back yesterday, which was Monday, my guy friends didn't even acknowledge me. The entire morning passed and I didn't get so much as a look, a nod, a hello, a 'kiss-my-ass', nothing! Absolutely nothing to acknowledge that, A) it was Monday morning; B) I was back from my vacay, or; C) that I even existed. Ouch. For whatever reason, that really bothered me. My other office friends, who are girls, of course asked how my days off were and where we went on our trip and what sights we saw and how the kids fared and blah blah blah. It wasn't until after lunch that one of the guys finally meandered over to my cube and asked me how my trip was. That son of a bitch redeemed himself.... lucky him. HAHA

However, the one that really pissed me off the most was the closest of these guy friends. He's the one I've written about so many times in the past. We are very close. Perhaps a little too close. Anyway, this asswad passed by me several times during the morning and early afternoon and didn't even look at me. No Hi, no nod, no gesture, no nothing! UGH >:(  Talk about a kick in the nuts!

I decided to visit w/ an office girl friend of mine for some positive reinforcement and advice. She helped me realize that this guy was just being a typical guy. Men are like that. And this one happens to be very prideful and self-absorbed, so he probably wasn't even thinking about it. This girl told me that I need to get out of my head and look at the situation and ask myself is he doing it on purpose or am I telling myself imaginary things? He would probably have no clue as to why I was getting pissier by the minute. Ok, I get that, but being as how he is my best friend, was it too much to ask for a fucking hello!? Was that so difficult? Not to mention I had been gone the whole past week. Did he even give a shit?

I tell myself that although I have a cock and balls, a big part of me isn't a typical dude, which I (and my wife) are glad about. I'm more sensitive to others' feelings and needs. I notice when people are wearing a new shirt, or got a hair cut, or that it's their birthday. Or I remember details like something they said or their favorite candy bar, etc. But when I expect other men to be sensitive and thoughtful and caring like me, and they're not, (because that's just not how most men are)....damn! It fucking hurts. Navigating the waters of straight guy friends can be rough!

My girl friend told me to go over and squash the anger and resentment immediately and be the bigger boy and say 'hey... how's the day?... how was YOUR weekend;' and just move on like it was no big deal. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was pissed as hell and (in my mind) rightfully so! I don't know if she said something to him, but about 15 or so minutes later he came by my cube and asked how my days off were, but then proceeded to talk about himself and what was going on w/ his work day. Big shocker there. But I guess at least I didn't have to do the angry, pouty 15 year old girl thing anymore. Not completely, anyway.

Later on I got a text from him asking me why I was so off all day. I kind of cryptically answered just guy friend trouble and I was working it out and I'd tell him about it tomorrow (today). But has he asked me about it? Nope. Now my girl friend told me I told him I was going to tell him about what was wrong, so I should have just gone up to him this morning and told him and not expect him to milk it out of me. But I just wanted to test the waters and see how truly interested he was in knowing or that he gave a shit about me and what was going on or even that he remembered I was going to tell him about it today. None of it happened.

All of this has really got me thinking. Why should I invest so much emotion and thought into a guy that doesn't give it back to me? Am I being unrealistic in what I want from him? I know that he is a typical straight boy, but in some regards I don't think I'm asking too much...just to be cared about and made to feel it through his thoughts and deed! The question is, how do I emotionally distance myself from some of these men? I definitely need their friendship and love, but how do I properly guard myself from being constantly hurt and feeling rejected, or not thought about, or cared about by them when I know they do, but I guess it's just not in my ideal way???

On the upside, I am wiser for the wear. I'm not going to expect ANYTHING from him, nor any of these guys again. I'll just appreciate their friendship and take it as it comes. I know they care, but I must remember I'm a gay dude in a straight man's world and that's the way it will always be. When it comes to the matters of the straight man, don't care so much and don't get too emotionally involved!

I have a really great balance going on between my gay needs being met as well as my straight ones. I'm thankful for that and I don't want to fuck it all up by being a typical queer. It's a delicate balance for me, but if I can manage it, I can get that fulfillment.


Monday, June 22, 2015

Playing the Victim

In a lot of my therapy and addiction recovery groups I've always heard the phrase "playing the victim" but I've never really understood what it meant, until now. I admit I completely, totally, and utterly play the victim in my relationships. A LOT. Especially w/ men.
My 3 A's w/ men have been really out-of-whack lately (affirmation, affection, attention). I haven't had a lot of good guy time lately. Last week my work friends had a movie night and 1 of them had invited me to come earlier in the day. But b/c I was too busy staying inside my own flipping head and playing the stupid victim, I didn't go. And I could have really, really used that guy night. frown emoticon This lame victim status negatively affects me in so many ways! With my family, friends, work, church, etc. It blows.
But on the upside, ordinarily when my 3 A's w/ men are off, I start looking for affirmation and validation in not-so-healthy ways. Meaning in my warped way of thinking if I am deemed lustable by dudes it helps reaffirm my self worth. How sick is that? But, I am recognizing that is what I have always historically done and b/c I am feeling so vulnerable that is what is happening now; but this time around on the merry-go-round, I refuse to do it! I will NOT back pedal b/c I know in the end I will only feel so much more hollow and empty and UNaffirmed.

I distance myself. I exclude myself. I pull away. All b/c I am so used to playing the victim. But at least now I know that's what it is, what I'm doing, and I can knock that shit off.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Anger Has Lead to Hate

One thing that irritates me the very most about myself is my usual lack of emotion, yet sometimes when I do experience a particular emotion, it is unbearably intense and overwhelmingly sharp. What's interesting is ordinarily I have always buried and repressed my emotions, usually hurt, guilt, sadness, and  humiliation, which I believe has exacerbated my mental instability and emotional discord, causing a self-inflicted handicap. But in regards to anger, oh boy, do I feel anger; yet I have trouble expressing it and dealing w/ it in healthy ways. Today I feel as if I'm being eaten alive from the inside-out by anger.

Last week I wrote about what a blessing it is to have good true friends in my life and how much they uplift and brighten my days. Now today I write about someone that I once loved so much, who I used to be very, very close to, as close as two men can be w/o being sexually intimate. Yet, he is someone who I now loathe w/ every fiber of my being. To hear his voice, to look at him, to be anywhere near him makes me want to scream. I can't even adequately express the vile feelings of disgust and abhorrence I feel toward him. To make matters worse, I work w/ him! He sits 10 feet away from me. We have the same circle of friends, work in the same department, and share a lot of the same responsibilities at work. So every day, day after day, I am forced to see him, hear him, smell him, work w/ him...and I HATE it. My enmity and resentment have got to the point I am desperately thinking of ways I can completely purge him from my life, which I think may probably mean me looking for a new job. I have already toyed w/ the idea of moving on for quite some time, and perhaps all of this discord and resentment I've been feeling lately is a sign that it may be high time for me to do just that.

The sad thing about all of this is it could easily be remedied by either one of us at any time. Yet we're both such prideful fuckers that neither one of us will bend or break and "admit defeat." We would both probably run back into each others' arms (figuratively) should we mend fences, but we're both too prideful and arrogant and are going to let a simple argument completely destroy our friendship. All the stories I learned growing up about pride, anger, resentment, grudges, etc. flood and swirl in my head. I think about the  story of the two men who eventually killed one another over water rights on an irrigation ditch. How easy would it be to just LET IT GO!? Be the bigger and better man and forgive and forget? Yet I won't; and neither will he. So, there it is.

And now, I'm looking to change jobs b/c I don't want to be anywhere near this person. I wish so bad he would just go away or disappear and I never had to hear or see hide nor hair of him again. Which is so incredibly sad after being so exceptionally close.  It's just interesting how I can fluctuate so harshly and rapidly between hot and cold. Complete and total obsession or complete and total disenchantment.

Time will tell. Either it will heal my heart and this situation or, as Rose Kennedy said, "..the wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Good Friends

I've had my fair share of good friends and bad friends over the course of my life. Most recently, God sent one into my life that has done nothing but leave seeds of goodness all over :)

Yesterday, he and I were texting back and forth and were both talking about how crummy and blue we have been feeling lately. Perhaps it's the rainy and cloudy weather or just an overall feeling of despondency. Who knows. Anyhow, out of the blue I received the following text from him... (can I just say what an awesome, sweet, thoughtful guy)

25 Reasons Why I Love XXXXXX
1- He is kind to everyone he meets, regardless if he likes them.
2- He is an amazing father who genuinely tries to create meaningful memories for his lambs.
3- He loves his wife above all.
4- He has a testimony of the restored gospel.
5- He is honest; I never have to worry that he is hiding things.
6- He loves golden girls.
7- He is super handy around the house.
8- Han you say sexy beast!?!?
9- He loves to cuddle.
10- He has great fashion sense.
11- He is patient with others.
12- He is fit.
13- He has mastered the smolder-pouty look.
14- He loves horror movies.
15- Halloween
16- He rocks the messy, spiky hair.
17- He genuinely thinks of others.
18- He loves me despite my faults.
19- He cooks crazy good.
20- He makes sure to message me everyday.
21- His eyes.
22- Can be so funny no matter the situation.
23- Keeps a clean house.
24- Faces his fears and strives to improve them.
25- He is a musical piano playing all-star who I LOVED watching and listening. It's one of my favorite memories.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Being the Token Gay Boy

I have a really great group of friends at work. They know about my sexuality, my standing in the church, and my current situation, and I know they truly do love and care about me. They are really great guys altogether. I'm really blessed to have such good friends. I have never had that before. We can hang out and be loose and I can relax and be myself around them. 

However, sometimes I feel like I am the token gay guy in our group. And while I try to just roll with it and laugh along with them (at myself) and try my damnedest to not allow it to hurt my feelings, it does begin to wear on me and I get tired of the little jokes and comments and reminders that I'm into dudes and it begins to take a toll on my already ravaged self esteem.

It's a constant reminder that I am "different" in a way from the rest of the boys. While a part of me has grown heaps and bounds in regards to accepting myself and my gayness, I still wish I didn't have it and hate that I'm forever looked at by others as broken, different, not man enough, etc. Did I choose this garbage? Absolutely not! Do I wish I were like the rest of you and would be checking out the chicks instead of the dudes everywhere I go!? Of course! >:( Grrr It irritates me. So I like to kiss boys and ogle their yummy bodies...so what!? Why is that such a big deal and why is it something that people use [against me] almost as if it's a defect or vile flaw and use it to make fun? Sigh.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

3rd Year Anniversary

Because I was so checked out on life last year (2014), I actually thought this was my 2-year blogger anniversary. But in fact, I am now in my 3rd year. I had to review the timeline of my posts 4 times to verify it is indeed my 3rd year 2012, 2013, 2014 and now, 2015.

So last year on my 2 year post I said I was losing. And I almost did; in every way you can imagine. The fact I made it through last March w/o putting a bullet in my brain is amazing. Then the relationship shortly after that when I almost walked away from my wife and children. The smoking. The drinking. The horrendous addiction cycle last summer and fall. Whew. What a stellar year....NOT!

But, I am starting my 3rd year by confidently saying: I am winning. I've come a long way and I realize I am happy. Last year was the shits, but I look back on it as 'necessary roughness.' I learned a helluva lot about myself and my life and what I need to make me happy. I'm good. I'm satisfied w/ where I'm at and where I'm headed. This year, thank heaven, I can say that I am headed in the right direction. Let's roll on...

Monday, February 23, 2015

Straight Boys, Straight Friends, and My Gay Unrealistic Expectations

I have been blessed to have some very close straight friends who know EVERYTHING about me and truly care and love me just the same. They genuinely enjoy my company and like having me there. I have grown really physically and emotionally close to one of them in particular. Although this friend is straight, I do know a part of him is bi-curious. He's one of those who wouldn't be difficult to get drunk and seduce ;) However, that isn't my intention. I just enjoy being around him and being close and sharing our lives together and having that close bond.

I say he is bi-curious b/c I think a part of him is infatuated w/ men and the whole 'gay' thing. He's a weight lifter, so he's obsessed w/ men's bodies, including his own. We chat and text and flirt w/ each other all the time. We blow kisses in our texts and chats. We say I love you to one another. We talk about naked men, and cock, and sex, and jacking off and porn. We have songs that we share together. I've made him several Pet Shop Boys mix CDs and we give each other gifts for Christmas and Birthdays. We've had MANY a discussion about male affection and how awesome and needed it is (between two men) and sometimes we hug for a long time or lay together and "hold" one other. He's even asked me for a hug a time or two in the past. We have our special secrets and things we share together that no one else knows. He's a film freak and loves artsy films (he LOVED Brokeback Mountain and cried...hard!) He's been in plays and musicals and always wears clothes he knows will trigger me and that'll make me lust after him. It's a joke between us. He especially loves peacocking. We've even sent cock pics to each other and he regularly sends me post work-out pics of himself flexing and peacocking in the mirror.

Sounds like a gay boy fantasy come true, right? But, as magical as this all sounds, the boy is straight. Even though his sexuality is a lot grayer than most men's, he is undeniably more on the straight side of the Kinsey Scale. And that's a good thing...isn't it!!??

He knows I've had a crush on him since the day we first met. And I think, in his pseudo-straight boy mind, he has a crush on me too. And while it has been so unbelievably awesome to be so close w/ a man that I never have to worry about fucking up w/, it does make some things really difficult (for me) and I find my heart getting broke time and time again. It sucks that I continually keep building things up to be or happen a certain way and when they don't, it feels like my whole world is falling apart.

Case in point...

Two weeks ago he told me his wife was going to SLC for the weekend and that he was going to be home alone. When he told me, I cute-sily invited myself over to spend the night and watch movies Friday night ("so...what time do want me to cum over Friday night Tee Hee"). Of course, he flirt-ily obliged my self invitation. Over the next two weeks we flirted w/ the opportunity of spending some good quality time alone and all the things we were going to do together. Unfortunately, I built things up WAY TOO MUCH in my head and in the end it wasn't cool. It wasn't romantic. It wasn't special. It was nothing. It was a straight guy inviting his gay buddy over to hang out for the night. That. Was. All.

In my gay boy mind.... I would have ordered a pizza or something fun and had his favorite pop to drink.
His straight boy mind...He crock-potted a chicken breast and plain white rice (no big deal). We didn't even sit to eat together at the table or on the couch.
In my gay boy mind...I would have had a movie prepared that we both really wanted to watch and that I was excited for him to see. Something special.
His straight boy mind...He hadn't even decided on a movie even though there are several we've talked about for months and are on our 'special movie list.'
In my gay boy mind...I would have made a fun dessert or something to watch during the movie.
His straight boy mind...Just bring something over if you want and if you pick something up for me, I promise I won't mind. HAHA
In my gay boy mind...We sit close on the couch and he asks me if I want to put my head on his shoulder during the movie b/c he knows that's what I was really looking forward and wanting to do.
His straight boy mind...We sat on opposite ends of the couch the whole time even though the fucker knew exactly what I was thinking and wanting. I even started nuzzling up to him giving him the hint but I knew unless I asked for it, it wasn't going to happen. And it didn't.
In my gay boy mind...We sleep together (no naughtiness) and maybe even cuddle or spoon for a bit in bed.
His straight boy mind...Even though it was talked, joked, and flirted about the weeks prior (sleeping in the same bed), it was so not going to happen. There was never any question (all jokes and hints aside); I was sleeping on the couch.
In my gay boy mind...After feeling so unspecial and shitty and like everything I had built up in my stupid faggot head was crumbling down, I said, "well, I guess I'll just go home so your kids routines aren't shaken up in the morning" to which I hoped he would ask me to please don't go, just stay the night.
His straight boy mind..No desire or care for me to stay the night.
In my gay boy mind...He at least would give me a long hug/hold to say goodnight before I leave at the door.
His straight boy mind...The son of a bitch never even touched me the whole fucking night or made a move to give me a goodbye hug. That hurt...a lot. He knew I wanted to and was looking forward to it. He KNEW exactly what was going on in my head. But nothing. Why the fuck couldn't he offer it for once instead of me having to come and grovel? Especially the goodbye hug. That was the cherry.

That night as I drove home I washed my hands of this friend. Well, the gay part of me washed my hands. No more unrealistic expectations! No more flirting via chat or text and sending XOXOs or blowing kisses. No more talking about scenes in movies when so-and-so's cock is visible. No more talking about jacking off or cum shots or porn or affection or the sex we had w/ our wives the night before or anything of the like. My heart and head can't handle it anymore. I got myself way in over my head for this guy and in the end that's all that is left... unrealistic expectations. I realized that w/ this friend I will forever want what I can't have. The bunch of grapes dangling over my head will always be out of reach.

You probably wonder if I'm in love w/ this guy, right? The answer is no..not entirely. I do love him and I enjoy being important to him. A part of me would love that gay boy fantasy of snuggling, and cuddling, and holding hands at the movies and stuff. But not love-love. Like the kind I thought I was in last year. But as far as he and I go, all of that is so far from his mind and his straight-boy way of thinking.

My wife told me that he does love me and is showing how much he cares through his straight boy actions. Example: He always wants me to go w/ him to lunch or to do errands. He regularly invites me to the movies. He gives me attention (e.g. sending texts, chats, YouTube clips, etc). He genuinely likes to spend time w/ me and enjoys my company. I really don't question his friendship or his 'love' for me. And I also don't question it is as it should be...appropriate and straight.

Sigh. I just need to let that part of him go, and I'm going to have to. But it's tough. He has some weird hold over me. Just like Jack Twist says in Brokeback Mountain, "I sure wish I knew how to quit you."

Funny tidbit: since the movie he wanted to watch (Lawless (HAHA how butch is that)) wasn't streaming on Netflix correctly that night, we decided on Moulin Rouge, which they actually owned on Blu-Ray and he had many of the songs memorized. Moulin Fucking Rouge! Can you believe it! It doesn't get much richer (or gayer) than that!

Monday, January 12, 2015

STD Test Results

How unbelievably relieved and humbled I am! Last month I finally got the courage to go into my local Health Center and have a full STD panel run. The various tests performed (urine, blood, etc) checked for Hepatitis, various bladder/urethra/blood infection(s), Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, HIV, and Syphilis. I am so happy to report that all my tests came back negative ^_^

You have no idea how difficult that was for me to go in and take those tests. I am a master of brainwashing, and once again I had completely and totally convinced myself that I had 'something.' And why not? If you remember last September whilst on a work trip in Europe I went to a seedy gay bar/sex club and barebacked 4 different men, 2 of which I couldn't even see b/c it was so dark! This was is in addition to the numerous blow jobs given/received over the course of the summer and fall (one guy I allowed to cum in my mouth and I swallowed) as well as multiple anonymous anal sex tete-a-tetes w/ dudes (though I was the giver and wore a rubber MOST of those times). Regardless, you can see why I was truly sick w/ worry and grief. I'm a sick fuck.

What a ridiculous and unnecessary place to put myself (and my family) in...physically, emotionally, and mentally. Although we may look at fidelity in marriage or a relationship and keeping God's commandments as strict and difficult sometimes, I can personally attest it is vital for our own peace and happiness.

Let me say something here: I love cock. And I love having sex w/ men. I LOVE it. I enjoy gay sex more than I probably should. HOWEVER... I love my wife and my family and children more than I do some stupid prick w/ a hard on. And I desire peace and security and the promise of not being riddled by some sexually transmitted disease b/c of my unfaithfulness and sheer lack of empathy for myself and wife more than I do cock and gay sex.

I know I've probably said it before, but never again will I put myself in a situation that I have to be fearful of my health or future b/c I couldn't exercise some self control. My dick is staying in my pants! To all you men reading this that I would probably love to fuck around with: I'm sorry, but it isn't going to happen. I bet we'd have a lot of fun and enjoy each other a whole hell of a lot, but in the end, you're SO not worth it.