Monday, January 12, 2015

STD Test Results

How unbelievably relieved and humbled I am! Last month I finally got the courage to go into my local Health Center and have a full STD panel run. The various tests performed (urine, blood, etc) checked for Hepatitis, various bladder/urethra/blood infection(s), Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, HIV, and Syphilis. I am so happy to report that all my tests came back negative ^_^

You have no idea how difficult that was for me to go in and take those tests. I am a master of brainwashing, and once again I had completely and totally convinced myself that I had 'something.' And why not? If you remember last September whilst on a work trip in Europe I went to a seedy gay bar/sex club and barebacked 4 different men, 2 of which I couldn't even see b/c it was so dark! This was is in addition to the numerous blow jobs given/received over the course of the summer and fall (one guy I allowed to cum in my mouth and I swallowed) as well as multiple anonymous anal sex tete-a-tetes w/ dudes (though I was the giver and wore a rubber MOST of those times). Regardless, you can see why I was truly sick w/ worry and grief. I'm a sick fuck.

What a ridiculous and unnecessary place to put myself (and my family) in...physically, emotionally, and mentally. Although we may look at fidelity in marriage or a relationship and keeping God's commandments as strict and difficult sometimes, I can personally attest it is vital for our own peace and happiness.

Let me say something here: I love cock. And I love having sex w/ men. I LOVE it. I enjoy gay sex more than I probably should. HOWEVER... I love my wife and my family and children more than I do some stupid prick w/ a hard on. And I desire peace and security and the promise of not being riddled by some sexually transmitted disease b/c of my unfaithfulness and sheer lack of empathy for myself and wife more than I do cock and gay sex.

I know I've probably said it before, but never again will I put myself in a situation that I have to be fearful of my health or future b/c I couldn't exercise some self control. My dick is staying in my pants! To all you men reading this that I would probably love to fuck around with: I'm sorry, but it isn't going to happen. I bet we'd have a lot of fun and enjoy each other a whole hell of a lot, but in the end, you're SO not worth it.


  1. Your blog is so painful to read. I'm sorry for your struggles and truly hope that you can find the peace, happiness and self control that you are obviously seeking. For any gay LDS man who might be considering a mixed orientation marriage, your blog is certainly a cautionary tale about how messy and difficult that can be. Nothing like the mixed orientation Mormon couples in the recent TLC show.

  2. I just found your blog and have been reading it. Your life experiences are very similar to mine. I'm also married, LDS, active, wife and children I love, and SSA. I'd love to communicate with you if you're interested. BTW, I'm in Utah.

  3. I agree with Edward, your blog is very painful to read. I don't understand- why would you ever have unprotected sec, with anyone?? It's like on one hand, you want to get every disease known to man so that you can die a horrible and painful death, and on the other hand, you have your wife and children, your family whom you say you live and don't want to hurt. It will be interesting to see which hand, which side, will win out. What you feed will win out. You know I love you. I know others also love you. I wish you loved yourself. And, could decide what you really want in life. Seems like you want it both ways. It would be nice if you could, family and wife and children versus all the hay seed and intimacy you want with men. I don't see both sides happening at the same time for you. I'm actually surprised your wife is still with you, why she puts up with everything you put yourself and her and your children through. Why she gives you a pass, I don't have a clue.