Monday, February 23, 2015

Straight Boys, Straight Friends, and My Gay Unrealistic Expectations

I have been blessed to have some very close straight friends who know EVERYTHING about me and truly care and love me just the same. They genuinely enjoy my company and like having me there. I have grown really physically and emotionally close to one of them in particular. Although this friend is straight, I do know a part of him is bi-curious. He's one of those who wouldn't be difficult to get drunk and seduce ;) However, that isn't my intention. I just enjoy being around him and being close and sharing our lives together and having that close bond.

I say he is bi-curious b/c I think a part of him is infatuated w/ men and the whole 'gay' thing. He's a weight lifter, so he's obsessed w/ men's bodies, including his own. We chat and text and flirt w/ each other all the time. We blow kisses in our texts and chats. We say I love you to one another. We talk about naked men, and cock, and sex, and jacking off and porn. We have songs that we share together. I've made him several Pet Shop Boys mix CDs and we give each other gifts for Christmas and Birthdays. We've had MANY a discussion about male affection and how awesome and needed it is (between two men) and sometimes we hug for a long time or lay together and "hold" one other. He's even asked me for a hug a time or two in the past. We have our special secrets and things we share together that no one else knows. He's a film freak and loves artsy films (he LOVED Brokeback Mountain and cried...hard!) He's been in plays and musicals and always wears clothes he knows will trigger me and that'll make me lust after him. It's a joke between us. He especially loves peacocking. We've even sent cock pics to each other and he regularly sends me post work-out pics of himself flexing and peacocking in the mirror.

Sounds like a gay boy fantasy come true, right? But, as magical as this all sounds, the boy is straight. Even though his sexuality is a lot grayer than most men's, he is undeniably more on the straight side of the Kinsey Scale. And that's a good thing...isn't it!!??

He knows I've had a crush on him since the day we first met. And I think, in his pseudo-straight boy mind, he has a crush on me too. And while it has been so unbelievably awesome to be so close w/ a man that I never have to worry about fucking up w/, it does make some things really difficult (for me) and I find my heart getting broke time and time again. It sucks that I continually keep building things up to be or happen a certain way and when they don't, it feels like my whole world is falling apart.

Case in point...

Two weeks ago he told me his wife was going to SLC for the weekend and that he was going to be home alone. When he told me, I cute-sily invited myself over to spend the night and watch movies Friday night ("so...what time do want me to cum over Friday night Tee Hee"). Of course, he flirt-ily obliged my self invitation. Over the next two weeks we flirted w/ the opportunity of spending some good quality time alone and all the things we were going to do together. Unfortunately, I built things up WAY TOO MUCH in my head and in the end it wasn't cool. It wasn't romantic. It wasn't special. It was nothing. It was a straight guy inviting his gay buddy over to hang out for the night. That. Was. All.

In my gay boy mind.... I would have ordered a pizza or something fun and had his favorite pop to drink.
His straight boy mind...He crock-potted a chicken breast and plain white rice (no big deal). We didn't even sit to eat together at the table or on the couch.
In my gay boy mind...I would have had a movie prepared that we both really wanted to watch and that I was excited for him to see. Something special.
His straight boy mind...He hadn't even decided on a movie even though there are several we've talked about for months and are on our 'special movie list.'
In my gay boy mind...I would have made a fun dessert or something to watch during the movie.
His straight boy mind...Just bring something over if you want and if you pick something up for me, I promise I won't mind. HAHA
In my gay boy mind...We sit close on the couch and he asks me if I want to put my head on his shoulder during the movie b/c he knows that's what I was really looking forward and wanting to do.
His straight boy mind...We sat on opposite ends of the couch the whole time even though the fucker knew exactly what I was thinking and wanting. I even started nuzzling up to him giving him the hint but I knew unless I asked for it, it wasn't going to happen. And it didn't.
In my gay boy mind...We sleep together (no naughtiness) and maybe even cuddle or spoon for a bit in bed.
His straight boy mind...Even though it was talked, joked, and flirted about the weeks prior (sleeping in the same bed), it was so not going to happen. There was never any question (all jokes and hints aside); I was sleeping on the couch.
In my gay boy mind...After feeling so unspecial and shitty and like everything I had built up in my stupid faggot head was crumbling down, I said, "well, I guess I'll just go home so your kids routines aren't shaken up in the morning" to which I hoped he would ask me to please don't go, just stay the night.
His straight boy mind..No desire or care for me to stay the night.
In my gay boy mind...He at least would give me a long hug/hold to say goodnight before I leave at the door.
His straight boy mind...The son of a bitch never even touched me the whole fucking night or made a move to give me a goodbye hug. That hurt...a lot. He knew I wanted to and was looking forward to it. He KNEW exactly what was going on in my head. But nothing. Why the fuck couldn't he offer it for once instead of me having to come and grovel? Especially the goodbye hug. That was the cherry.

That night as I drove home I washed my hands of this friend. Well, the gay part of me washed my hands. No more unrealistic expectations! No more flirting via chat or text and sending XOXOs or blowing kisses. No more talking about scenes in movies when so-and-so's cock is visible. No more talking about jacking off or cum shots or porn or affection or the sex we had w/ our wives the night before or anything of the like. My heart and head can't handle it anymore. I got myself way in over my head for this guy and in the end that's all that is left... unrealistic expectations. I realized that w/ this friend I will forever want what I can't have. The bunch of grapes dangling over my head will always be out of reach.

You probably wonder if I'm in love w/ this guy, right? The answer is no..not entirely. I do love him and I enjoy being important to him. A part of me would love that gay boy fantasy of snuggling, and cuddling, and holding hands at the movies and stuff. But not love-love. Like the kind I thought I was in last year. But as far as he and I go, all of that is so far from his mind and his straight-boy way of thinking.

My wife told me that he does love me and is showing how much he cares through his straight boy actions. Example: He always wants me to go w/ him to lunch or to do errands. He regularly invites me to the movies. He gives me attention (e.g. sending texts, chats, YouTube clips, etc). He genuinely likes to spend time w/ me and enjoys my company. I really don't question his friendship or his 'love' for me. And I also don't question it is as it should be...appropriate and straight.

Sigh. I just need to let that part of him go, and I'm going to have to. But it's tough. He has some weird hold over me. Just like Jack Twist says in Brokeback Mountain, "I sure wish I knew how to quit you."

Funny tidbit: since the movie he wanted to watch (Lawless (HAHA how butch is that)) wasn't streaming on Netflix correctly that night, we decided on Moulin Rouge, which they actually owned on Blu-Ray and he had many of the songs memorized. Moulin Fucking Rouge! Can you believe it! It doesn't get much richer (or gayer) than that!

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