Monday, May 4, 2015

Being the Token Gay Boy

I have a really great group of friends at work. They know about my sexuality, my standing in the church, and my current situation, and I know they truly do love and care about me. They are really great guys altogether. I'm really blessed to have such good friends. I have never had that before. We can hang out and be loose and I can relax and be myself around them. 

However, sometimes I feel like I am the token gay guy in our group. And while I try to just roll with it and laugh along with them (at myself) and try my damnedest to not allow it to hurt my feelings, it does begin to wear on me and I get tired of the little jokes and comments and reminders that I'm into dudes and it begins to take a toll on my already ravaged self esteem.

It's a constant reminder that I am "different" in a way from the rest of the boys. While a part of me has grown heaps and bounds in regards to accepting myself and my gayness, I still wish I didn't have it and hate that I'm forever looked at by others as broken, different, not man enough, etc. Did I choose this garbage? Absolutely not! Do I wish I were like the rest of you and would be checking out the chicks instead of the dudes everywhere I go!? Of course! >:( Grrr It irritates me. So I like to kiss boys and ogle their yummy bodies...so what!? Why is that such a big deal and why is it something that people use [against me] almost as if it's a defect or vile flaw and use it to make fun? Sigh.




3 comments:

  1. I live with five straight dudes, and sometimes I feel the same. I take it as progress; they're comfortable enough to joke about it! That's great. I'd rather they say some awkward things than say nothing.

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  2. It could be their (misguided) way to let you know that they're fine with it.

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  3. In my inner thoughts, recently, I've been wishing for a gayer world, but still with Hetero-procreation. I don't want to be into douche bags and somehow feed into this "straight man's world." Maybe I just need to be clear with the woman I'm interested in, that my "guy time" will largely be "gay time" minus the sex. And she can choose for herself.

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