Monday, June 22, 2015

Playing the Victim

In a lot of my therapy and addiction recovery groups I've always heard the phrase "playing the victim" but I've never really understood what it meant, until now. I admit I completely, totally, and utterly play the victim in my relationships. A LOT. Especially w/ men.
My 3 A's w/ men have been really out-of-whack lately (affirmation, affection, attention). I haven't had a lot of good guy time lately. Last week my work friends had a movie night and 1 of them had invited me to come earlier in the day. But b/c I was too busy staying inside my own flipping head and playing the stupid victim, I didn't go. And I could have really, really used that guy night. frown emoticon This lame victim status negatively affects me in so many ways! With my family, friends, work, church, etc. It blows.
But on the upside, ordinarily when my 3 A's w/ men are off, I start looking for affirmation and validation in not-so-healthy ways. Meaning in my warped way of thinking if I am deemed lustable by dudes it helps reaffirm my self worth. How sick is that? But, I am recognizing that is what I have always historically done and b/c I am feeling so vulnerable that is what is happening now; but this time around on the merry-go-round, I refuse to do it! I will NOT back pedal b/c I know in the end I will only feel so much more hollow and empty and UNaffirmed.

I distance myself. I exclude myself. I pull away. All b/c I am so used to playing the victim. But at least now I know that's what it is, what I'm doing, and I can knock that shit off.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Anger Has Lead to Hate

One thing that irritates me the very most about myself is my usual lack of emotion, yet sometimes when I do experience a particular emotion, it is unbearably intense and overwhelmingly sharp. What's interesting is ordinarily I have always buried and repressed my emotions, usually hurt, guilt, sadness, and  humiliation, which I believe has exacerbated my mental instability and emotional discord, causing a self-inflicted handicap. But in regards to anger, oh boy, do I feel anger; yet I have trouble expressing it and dealing w/ it in healthy ways. Today I feel as if I'm being eaten alive from the inside-out by anger.

Last week I wrote about what a blessing it is to have good true friends in my life and how much they uplift and brighten my days. Now today I write about someone that I once loved so much, who I used to be very, very close to, as close as two men can be w/o being sexually intimate. Yet, he is someone who I now loathe w/ every fiber of my being. To hear his voice, to look at him, to be anywhere near him makes me want to scream. I can't even adequately express the vile feelings of disgust and abhorrence I feel toward him. To make matters worse, I work w/ him! He sits 10 feet away from me. We have the same circle of friends, work in the same department, and share a lot of the same responsibilities at work. So every day, day after day, I am forced to see him, hear him, smell him, work w/ him...and I HATE it. My enmity and resentment have got to the point I am desperately thinking of ways I can completely purge him from my life, which I think may probably mean me looking for a new job. I have already toyed w/ the idea of moving on for quite some time, and perhaps all of this discord and resentment I've been feeling lately is a sign that it may be high time for me to do just that.

The sad thing about all of this is it could easily be remedied by either one of us at any time. Yet we're both such prideful fuckers that neither one of us will bend or break and "admit defeat." We would both probably run back into each others' arms (figuratively) should we mend fences, but we're both too prideful and arrogant and are going to let a simple argument completely destroy our friendship. All the stories I learned growing up about pride, anger, resentment, grudges, etc. flood and swirl in my head. I think about the  story of the two men who eventually killed one another over water rights on an irrigation ditch. How easy would it be to just LET IT GO!? Be the bigger and better man and forgive and forget? Yet I won't; and neither will he. So, there it is.

And now, I'm looking to change jobs b/c I don't want to be anywhere near this person. I wish so bad he would just go away or disappear and I never had to hear or see hide nor hair of him again. Which is so incredibly sad after being so exceptionally close.  It's just interesting how I can fluctuate so harshly and rapidly between hot and cold. Complete and total obsession or complete and total disenchantment.

Time will tell. Either it will heal my heart and this situation or, as Rose Kennedy said, "..the wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”