Monday, June 22, 2015

Playing the Victim

In a lot of my therapy and addiction recovery groups I've always heard the phrase "playing the victim" but I've never really understood what it meant, until now. I admit I completely, totally, and utterly play the victim in my relationships. A LOT. Especially w/ men.
My 3 A's w/ men have been really out-of-whack lately (affirmation, affection, attention). I haven't had a lot of good guy time lately. Last week my work friends had a movie night and 1 of them had invited me to come earlier in the day. But b/c I was too busy staying inside my own flipping head and playing the stupid victim, I didn't go. And I could have really, really used that guy night. frown emoticon This lame victim status negatively affects me in so many ways! With my family, friends, work, church, etc. It blows.
But on the upside, ordinarily when my 3 A's w/ men are off, I start looking for affirmation and validation in not-so-healthy ways. Meaning in my warped way of thinking if I am deemed lustable by dudes it helps reaffirm my self worth. How sick is that? But, I am recognizing that is what I have always historically done and b/c I am feeling so vulnerable that is what is happening now; but this time around on the merry-go-round, I refuse to do it! I will NOT back pedal b/c I know in the end I will only feel so much more hollow and empty and UNaffirmed.

I distance myself. I exclude myself. I pull away. All b/c I am so used to playing the victim. But at least now I know that's what it is, what I'm doing, and I can knock that shit off.

1 comment:

  1. Interesting blog, and I feel your pain. I will read your other posts too.

    All the best