I don't like men. Ok, I like looking at them, and I like having sex w/ them, but on a whole men are jackasses. The gay ones are diva bitches and the straight ones are unthoughtful and insensitive. Why can't dudes just be more like me?! ;)
This post isn't about any of the gay men in my life, either past or present. It has to do w/ my straight friends. While I have been richly blessed w/ some really extraordinary guy friends, sometimes they can be just assish. And me being the gay guy I am, feel naturally hurt by their straight guy behaviors (or non-behaviors). It makes me want to retreat, isolate, or stew in my anger.
I could list so many examples of this occurring in my life, but I'll just share the latest...
I took last week off for a family vacation and was out of the office during that time. When I came back yesterday, which was Monday, my guy friends didn't even acknowledge me. The entire morning passed and I didn't get so much as a look, a nod, a hello, a 'kiss-my-ass', nothing! Absolutely nothing to acknowledge that, A) it was Monday morning; B) I was back from my vacay, or; C) that I even existed. Ouch. For whatever reason, that really bothered me. My other office friends, who are girls, of course asked how my days off were and where we went on our trip and what sights we saw and how the kids fared and blah blah blah. It wasn't until after lunch that one of the guys finally meandered over to my cube and asked me how my trip was. That son of a bitch redeemed himself.... lucky him. HAHA
However, the one that really pissed me off the most was the closest of these guy friends. He's the one I've written about so many times in the past. We are very close. Perhaps a little too close. Anyway, this asswad passed by me several times during the morning and early afternoon and didn't even look at me. No Hi, no nod, no gesture, no nothing! UGH >:( Talk about a kick in the nuts!
I decided to visit w/ an office girl friend of mine for some positive reinforcement and advice. She helped me realize that this guy was just being a typical guy. Men are like that. And this one happens to be very prideful and self-absorbed, so he probably wasn't even thinking about it. This girl told me that I need to get out of my head and look at the situation and ask myself is he doing it on purpose or am I telling myself imaginary things? He would probably have no clue as to why I was getting pissier by the minute. Ok, I get that, but being as how he is my best friend, was it too much to ask for a fucking hello!? Was that so difficult? Not to mention I had been gone the whole past week. Did he even give a shit?
I tell myself that although I have a cock and balls, a big part of me isn't a typical dude, which I (and my wife) are glad about. I'm more sensitive to others' feelings and needs. I notice when people are wearing a new shirt, or got a hair cut, or that it's their birthday. Or I remember details like something they said or their favorite candy bar, etc. But when I expect other men to be sensitive and thoughtful and caring like me, and they're not, (because that's just not how most men are)....damn! It fucking hurts. Navigating the waters of straight guy friends can be rough!
My girl friend told me to go over and squash the anger and resentment immediately and be the bigger boy and say 'hey... how's the day?... how was YOUR weekend;' and just move on like it was no big deal. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was pissed as hell and (in my mind) rightfully so! I don't know if she said something to him, but about 15 or so minutes later he came by my cube and asked how my days off were, but then proceeded to talk about himself and what was going on w/ his work day. Big shocker there. But I guess at least I didn't have to do the angry, pouty 15 year old girl thing anymore. Not completely, anyway.
Later on I got a text from him asking me why I was so off all day. I kind of cryptically answered just guy friend trouble and I was working it out and I'd tell him about it tomorrow (today). But has he asked me about it? Nope. Now my girl friend told me I told him I was going to tell him about what was wrong, so I should have just gone up to him this morning and told him and not expect him to milk it out of me. But I just wanted to test the waters and see how truly interested he was in knowing or that he gave a shit about me and what was going on or even that he remembered I was going to tell him about it today. None of it happened.
All of this has really got me thinking. Why should I invest so much emotion and thought into a guy that doesn't give it back to me? Am I being unrealistic in what I want from him? I know that he is a typical straight boy, but in some regards I don't think I'm asking too much...just to be cared about and made to feel it through his thoughts and deed! The question is, how do I emotionally distance myself from some of these men? I definitely need their friendship and love, but how do I properly guard myself from being constantly hurt and feeling rejected, or not thought about, or cared about by them when I know they do, but I guess it's just not in my ideal way???
On the upside, I am wiser for the wear. I'm not going to expect ANYTHING from him, nor any of these guys again. I'll just appreciate their friendship and take it as it comes. I know they care, but I must remember I'm a gay dude in a straight man's world and that's the way it will always be. When it comes to the matters of the straight man, don't care so much and don't get too emotionally involved!
I have a really great balance going on between my gay needs being met as well as my straight ones. I'm thankful for that and I don't want to fuck it all up by being a typical queer. It's a delicate balance for me, but if I can manage it, I can get that fulfillment.