Friday, November 20, 2015

Cycle of the Werewolf/Sex Addict

Werewolves and I have a lot in common. Though unlike the full moon which triggers a werewolf's cycle, mine is triggered by any number of things: financial stress, insecurity in my male friendships, irritation/frustration at home, boredom, self-disgust and loathing, running into somebody from my past, reading/viewing triggering pictures, places and news stories, isolation, the change of seasons, etc. etc.

The behaviors of werewolves and I, in the midst of our cycle, are also eerily similar:
Animalistic, carnal, lust for blood/flesh, wild, unsympathetic, transmit shit to others, callous, fitting stealthily into society, cunning, unfeeling, crafty, vicious, secretive, evil, wicked, and demonic.

Pretty scary, eh? It's easy for me to talk about my addict as if it's another person, b/c it almost is another person. He's my dark passenger. For example, as I write this post, I am completely sane. But should I be triggered into my cycle by any one of the means listed above, I become completely INsane and everything - wife, children, health, life, time, physical safety, reputation, freedom, employment, church, etc - goes out the window. The only thing that matters is getting my fix, no matter what. My sane self has checked out and the dark passenger, my INsane self; my addict checks in.

A scenario....

I stop at a gas station for a pop refill. I use the restroom. There are 2 urinals w/ no partition between them. I choose one and begin to pee. The door opens behind me and somebody triggering comes in, stands at the urinal next to me, unzips his pants, and begins to slowly masturbate. Now,  I face a choice: A) do I zip up and turn around and quickly leave the restroom, or B) do I stay and let my DP take control? That is the tipping point; the apex. I give in: I stay, and continue to let my DP take over and allow warm temptation and beautiful addiction flood over me like a comforting, warm rushing wave. He motions me to an empty stall. I follow. No words are exchanged. I do not know anything about this person; not even his name. I am simply using him to help fulfill my natural, vulgar and carnal desires. We completely lose ourselves in wicked, lascivious lust, fueling our carnal desires and burning in our unnatural, same sex lust towards one another. There is no time. There is no wife, or kids, or consequence. There is no AIDS or disease.  There is no possibility of getting caught (or perhaps there may be some fear of discovery, but that may also add fuel to the hotness factor). There is, simply, my FIX.

We cum, and just like the wave of lust and temptation that had washed over me a few moments ago, reality now crashes in w/ a sense of impending doom and real horrid fear. We both pull up our pants and get out of there as soon as possible, each of us going our separate ways. The guilt and the fear and the shame and the disgust and self-loathing is tremendously intense. I stuff it; stuff it down and push it away as hard as I can. Don't think about it....don't think about it. I go back to work and throw myself into a project to numb the fear and guilt and each time any shred of it creeps in, I push it further down inside. My guilt may lead me to pray and promise that I will never do it again and ask for protection and forgiveness. Or I may even confess my actions to my wife. Maybe that happens.

But usually, a few hours pass and the guilt and shame and fear of the incident have given way and morphed into a carnal, lust-laden memory of my lovely sin. I decide to masturbate at the memory of the carnal hook up, reigniting that lust and again fueling my carnal same-sex desires. I masturbate several more times that day, using the devilish anonymous hook up as my go-to mental trigger and pushing that guilt and shame and fear further down and out w/ each stroke.

The next morning dawns bright and sunny, bringing w/ it a phony promise that perhaps I will hunt and find an even better, hotter experience or find an even more ideal fix than the one I had the day before.

And so the cycle of the werewolf/addict has begun...

You know, being an addict fucking sucks. And it never goes away. It never will. Sure, I may gain some sobriety and control and allow God's grace to help me; but it will always be there, lurking in the corner. Just like cancer, it has eaten away my spirit and woven itself into every piece of my life. It has sickened and almost completely destroyed my spirit and caused me and so many others sadness and hurt. Gay sex, porn, cruising for sex, voyeurism, sex toys, masturbation, sounding, smoking, bizarre fetishes, soda pop, sugar and food...all of these contribute to this earthly hell and are my prison. They are the vehicle that allows my dark passenger to take control.

Fuck addiction!

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Dysfunctional Programming: The "Joys" of Parenthood

Last night was one of those evenings that I was 'done' being a parent.

I was feeling a little on edge anyhow, b/c yesterday at lunch I ran smack into a guy I used to act out w/ pretty regularly. The sight of him didn't give me shame or remorse; it made me feel wickedly tempted and triggered....bad. I carried those triggered, jonesy feelings w/ me through the afternoon. I got home from work, had dinner w/ the family, and decided we should do a Family Home Evening lesson. We're not terribly consistent w/ our Family Home Evening lessons, per se, but we do spend an inordinate amount of time together at home as a family each night, so that's a plus. But when it comes to having an actual lesson complete w/ songs, scriptures, treats, etc, it's sporadic.

Anyhow, everything started out alright except my oldest daughter (10 yrs) was being somewhat hormonal and grouchy and didn't want to say the opening prayer. I played a song from the Primary Children's Songbook and yet me and my other daughter were the only ones singing. That kind of bugged me, since I knew my wife knows most of the lyrics too; so why the hell wasn't she singing? Then during the lesson, the kids would give silly answers to my questions and fight and kick each another. Was the freaking Spirit even present in the home? Needless to say, I could feel my resolution to even finish the lesson and any shred of good Spirit in my heart slowly ebb and withdraw. The FHE ended w/ me feeling totally disgusted w/ the state of my family, my (our) parenting, my wife, our children, our house, and my life. All the negative and dark feelings I experienced last year when I was excruciatingly tempted w/ living a gay, single life washed over me and flooded my brain.

I quietly slipped downstairs (no good nights or kisses or goodbyes), locked the door and took a long hot tub to let my mind wander and sink into depression and think more about some of the things that were troubling me and tempting me. I thought of a quiet, clean, organized apartment where I could have control and order and more "peace." Not having to worry about commitment and loyalty and fight my sexual demons. Dishes always done and clean. Laundry always washed, ironed and put away. No dry toothpaste spit in the sink. No wet towels laying around. No hair all over the floor. No crumbs or food particles on the floor. Having the kids out of sight and out of mind so I wouldn't have to stress and blame myself for their acting out and spoiled rotten behaviors. And, of course, the opportunity for sex or entertaining male suitors whenever or wherever I wanted.

But even though I was having these enticing thoughts, the good side of me was also there, fighting them off, and reminding me that family and children is where true happiness lies. Even though it's a struggle and a fight, they ARE my true joy and reason for living. Even if I should have the clean, organized apartment and all the freedom and things that come with it, I would know something was missing. My life would be lacking something. To only see my children on the weekends or every other weekend? To split holidays w/ them? To never snuggle w/ my wife in bed at night or talk and laugh w/ her and have her there for a strength, comfort and support? Are you kidding me???

I recognize that as a SGA man, I am truly and richly blessed to have the wife and children I have. Many men in my situation (gay sex/lust addicts) aren't so lucky and many will never marry a woman at all. I think for the most part, my wife and I are doing good by our children. We're certainly not the best, but neither are we the worst. I can say our children know we love them, that their mom and dad love each other and they have a safe, happy home where the Spirit resides. We're trying to give them the very best things in life and keep them safe from all the icky, scary things happening in the world, in addition to preparing them to live in it on their own someday.

Children are a challenge. They can be naughty, spoiled, little rotten shit asses. But they can also be the closest thing to heaven and purity and true happiness and innocence there is in this fucked-up world. My family is the reason I am still here, forever fighting this tremendous fight against that bitch Satan and his hordes, and struggling to keep the light in my life burning. I know where true happiness lies...and it lies in my family.

"Family: For Where Your Treasure Is, There Will Your Heart Be Also"