Friday, November 20, 2015

Cycle of the Werewolf/Sex Addict

Werewolves and I have a lot in common. Though unlike the full moon which triggers a werewolf's cycle, mine is triggered by any number of things: financial stress, insecurity in my male friendships, irritation/frustration at home, boredom, self-disgust and loathing, running into somebody from my past, reading/viewing triggering pictures, places and news stories, isolation, the change of seasons, etc. etc.

The behaviors of werewolves and I, in the midst of our cycle, are also eerily similar:
Animalistic, carnal, lust for blood/flesh, wild, unsympathetic, transmit shit to others, callous, fitting stealthily into society, cunning, unfeeling, crafty, vicious, secretive, evil, wicked, and demonic.

Pretty scary, eh? It's easy for me to talk about my addict as if it's another person, b/c it almost is another person. He's my dark passenger. For example, as I write this post, I am completely sane. But should I be triggered into my cycle by any one of the means listed above, I become completely INsane and everything - wife, children, health, life, time, physical safety, reputation, freedom, employment, church, etc - goes out the window. The only thing that matters is getting my fix, no matter what. My sane self has checked out and the dark passenger, my INsane self; my addict checks in.

A scenario....

I stop at a gas station for a pop refill. I use the restroom. There are 2 urinals w/ no partition between them. I choose one and begin to pee. The door opens behind me and somebody triggering comes in, stands at the urinal next to me, unzips his pants, and begins to slowly masturbate. Now,  I face a choice: A) do I zip up and turn around and quickly leave the restroom, or B) do I stay and let my DP take control? That is the tipping point; the apex. I give in: I stay, and continue to let my DP take over and allow warm temptation and beautiful addiction flood over me like a comforting, warm rushing wave. He motions me to an empty stall. I follow. No words are exchanged. I do not know anything about this person; not even his name. I am simply using him to help fulfill my natural, vulgar and carnal desires. We completely lose ourselves in wicked, lascivious lust, fueling our carnal desires and burning in our unnatural, same sex lust towards one another. There is no time. There is no wife, or kids, or consequence. There is no AIDS or disease.  There is no possibility of getting caught (or perhaps there may be some fear of discovery, but that may also add fuel to the hotness factor). There is, simply, my FIX.

We cum, and just like the wave of lust and temptation that had washed over me a few moments ago, reality now crashes in w/ a sense of impending doom and real horrid fear. We both pull up our pants and get out of there as soon as possible, each of us going our separate ways. The guilt and the fear and the shame and the disgust and self-loathing is tremendously intense. I stuff it; stuff it down and push it away as hard as I can. Don't think about it....don't think about it. I go back to work and throw myself into a project to numb the fear and guilt and each time any shred of it creeps in, I push it further down inside. My guilt may lead me to pray and promise that I will never do it again and ask for protection and forgiveness. Or I may even confess my actions to my wife. Maybe that happens.

But usually, a few hours pass and the guilt and shame and fear of the incident have given way and morphed into a carnal, lust-laden memory of my lovely sin. I decide to masturbate at the memory of the carnal hook up, reigniting that lust and again fueling my carnal same-sex desires. I masturbate several more times that day, using the devilish anonymous hook up as my go-to mental trigger and pushing that guilt and shame and fear further down and out w/ each stroke.

The next morning dawns bright and sunny, bringing w/ it a phony promise that perhaps I will hunt and find an even better, hotter experience or find an even more ideal fix than the one I had the day before.

And so the cycle of the werewolf/addict has begun...

You know, being an addict fucking sucks. And it never goes away. It never will. Sure, I may gain some sobriety and control and allow God's grace to help me; but it will always be there, lurking in the corner. Just like cancer, it has eaten away my spirit and woven itself into every piece of my life. It has sickened and almost completely destroyed my spirit and caused me and so many others sadness and hurt. Gay sex, porn, cruising for sex, voyeurism, sex toys, masturbation, sounding, smoking, bizarre fetishes, soda pop, sugar and food...all of these contribute to this earthly hell and are my prison. They are the vehicle that allows my dark passenger to take control.

Fuck addiction!

5 comments:

  1. It seems pretty clear from this post and others that your soul is trying to tell you something.

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  2. Hi there. Big (((hug))) of empathy to you. I just read through this and several other blog posts and I hope you don't mind me saying something... In spite of you labeling yourself as "a married, Mormon, sex addict and dealing with same-sex lust," you're really only addicted to the label itself. As an outsider it appears that if you discarded 95% of it you'd be able to find out who you really are... and ironically the result would probably be less of the impulsive behavior you're currently unable to stop.

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  3. Has it ever crossed your mind that the desires and feelings aren't from 'vulgar carnal desires' but from a natural place longing for closeness with another man because that's the way God made you? If you see this continuing, not only is it continuing to bring guilt and sadness to your life but to those around you also. Perhaps you will find joy and fulfillment in a same sex relationship or it might be worth a try, I don't think you have anything to lose.

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  4. I was just like you a few years ago.... Completely convinced it was all the devil's influence. Specifically, Devils, demons, evil spirits and unclean spirits. They're real, no doubt. I had invited them into my life and surrendered my will to their influence ... Until I realized it wasn't my homosexuality that invited them into my life or made me vulnerable to them. Instead it was my completely unhealthy reaction to a characteristic of mine that I hated, i.e. My homosexuality. My perspective on gay sex, sexuality, sexual identity was demeaning, destructive and hopeless. I eventually came to two choices 1. I was going to either continue to reject my homosexuality and be a dead man within months .... Very literally kill myself; or 2. I was going to accept my sexuality and begin to take control of my life and live responsibly. I came out of the closet like a bat out of hell. Turned a number of people's lives upside down. It was a mess. But I'm still alive, and so are they, and we're doing good. In fact we're thriving. I realized it was surrendering my will to a philosophy and idea that my soul knew was not right for me... That is what made me vulnerable to the "dark passenger". Homosexuality is not random hookups and dirty meaningless sex. It is experiencing love to its greatest depth and enjoying all the benefits that come from that. You have a disgusting, undeveloped, base view of sexuality and an even worse view of homosexuality. Whatever you are doing or whatever you are believing, your DP is winning... Because you are miserable. Believe me, I know about DP's, ssa, North Star, etc etc etc, and all the shit that comes with it. No counseling, education, behavioral modification program can beat this for you.... Because there's nothing to beat, it's not about overcoming or beating it... It's about being honest with yourself and being ok with what you find. my god man.... Stop blaming the DP.... You are literally his tool right now, regardless of whether you go to church Sunday or feel real bad every time you act out. You are a tool right now.... What are you going to do about it?

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