Thursday, February 4, 2016

Is All That We See or Seem But A Dream Within A Dream?

I read somewhere that addiction reeks havoc on the memory banks. I experience this first hand. There are huge holes in my life and various details, experiences, and people I can't recall. It gets pretty bad at times. My parents and I refer to the years 18-20 as my 'fog years' b/c I don't remember a lot from that period, which coincidentally is also the time of my life I was the most promiscuous. However, there have been several days, weeks, and months when it's almost as if I've been a Rip Van Winkle, placed into a self-induced sex coma and then waking up to find I don't remember a lot of things in between. It's a complete gray, dead zone.

I think it comes from never being present in the present; to never drink in the sights, sounds, smells, etc. of various life experiences. It's almost as if I live w/ ADD - I'm always on to the next thing. I never allow myself to stop, breathe, and let things sink in. I never relax and ENJOY life. Sometimes my forgetfulness and memory loss get to the point it frightens me! Do I have a brain tumor? Do I have early onset of Alzheimer's? What gives!? In addition to all of this is the incredible amount of guilt from my behaviors and shame that I feel which I push out of my mind, swallow and stuff way deep down inside. So rather than keeping my brain a volatile place, full of emotional turmoil and angst, I keep it flat lined and therefore, dead pan.

The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) defines sex addiction and other addictions as "a chronic brain disease that affects memory, reward, motivation, and related circuitry." Chronic brain disease! That's it! I always say if you were to cut off the top of my head and look at my brain, it would look like a bowl of oatmeal, completely ravaged by sex addiction. And if you were to cut open my torso, it would be empty and only steam would escape b/c I'm so empty.

I'm sorry, what was the point of my post again???