In October I had 4 blows that sent me reeling into my addiction cycle:
- My Stake President said I still had a long way to go before I could even consider re-baptism (which I knew and accept, but it was sobering and kind of hurtful to actually realize and hear it said);
- I found out a major road is to be build right behind my house, which depressed and angered me in a major way;
- I had a falling out w/ my straight friend at work I've been kind of having a bromance w/ the past year - this was probably the biggest blow;
- I acted out w/ another friend of mine, which strained his and I's relationship and opened the same sex lust can o' worms back up.
Aside from the many times the past few months I have lied, snuck around, blown off work, had multiple sexual episodes in one day w/ multiple men, deceived, and basically checked out on life altogether, there is one event that really stands out that I need to write about and get off my chest.
Just after New Years, my wife had a bad gall bladder attack that took her to the hospital. She had an ultrasound on it, which in addition to the massive amount of gallstones, it also revealed a strange mass on her liver. They wanted to do a CAT scan on her liver, but wouldn't be able to until the next Monday (1 week later). That week was a very difficult time for her and me, full of worry and grief. I think I buried mine in acting out, porn, and jacking off compulsively. Rather than being more emotionally present and comforting my wife in a better way, I turned inward and to my addiction. But it gets worse...
The day of her CAT scan, which was scheduled at noon, I went to work in the morning like usual and immediately began responding to Craigslist ads. I had a few responses and for the remainder of the morning, during my drive to the drive to the hospital, admitting my wife for her CAT scan, and sitting in the waiting room whilst she was having the procedure, I was completely lost in my addiction, emailing back and forth w/ these potential hook ups. After the procedure, my wife and I went to lunch together and talked about things (although I can't even remember what we talked about b/c I was NOT present). I went to the bathroom a few times to check my email on my phone. That afternoon, I went and had one of the hottest and most incredible hook ups I have had for a long time.
Immediately thereafter I received a call from my wife that her diagnosis was clear. I felt like absolute SHIT! A complete fucking waste of a human being and so undeserving of such blessings and such a wonderful wife and family. But even though I felt like such garbage and yet relieved about my wife having received a clean bill of health, I went to the gentleman's house again after work to act out w/ him the second time that day. That night, the truth came out of my riotous living the past few months and I promised I'd do better. But our talk and come to Jesus meeting was futile. It didn't help. I have continued to act out and fuck around pretty consistently these past 2 months; until yesterday, God willing!
Yesterday, Leap Year day, February 29, I allowed myself to completely abandon all self restraint and control and acted out in the morning w/ someone, performing as the bottom; jacked off to hard core porn at noon; acted out w/ another hook up in the afternoon, performing as the top that time; then jacked off to more hard core porn last night. 2 hook ups being top and bottom and 2 porn sessions w/ 4 ejaculations. I did this on the premise that I would use the Leap Year Day as a special reminder of my last acting out episodes and a spring board into sobriety again. I don't know why I always have to use special dates and times as memory markers as the "last time I did X, Y, Z", but I am doing that again w/ Leap Year.
I know I have a lot of haters out there and I know you think I'm an absolute pathetic waste, but so be it. This is MY life, not yours, and I'm trying to figure it and myself out in the ways I want to and what works best for me. Yep, I've made a helluva lot of mistakes and in some ways AM a mistake, but no matter. I haven't given up. I'm still aware of my situation and I'm still fighting. I've just invited you all along for the ride on this crazy train. So just sit back, relax, eat your nuts, sip your soda, and enjoy the ride.
February 29, 2016 may be either A) the last day of my old life, or B) just another day. I guess we'll all have to wait and see in the days and weeks ahead. Stay tuned!