Thursday, June 30, 2016

My Want to be Wanted

One of my weaknesses is the desire to be 'wanted' by men that I 'want;' translation: for men I am attracted to to be my "friend". I know deep inside my onion layers there is a reason for this desperation/want. It probably has its roots in feeling rejected and ostracized by boys/men/jocks/etc. in my adolescence. In my late teens I used my looks and cruising abilities to get the guys I wanted to get. This is when those feelings of male acceptance and bonding became sexualized. When I got the guy I had hunted or set my sights on (meaning we had a sexual experience together) I felt on top of the world. But when I didn't, I felt lower than the muck on the bottom of a sewer. While I have made strides over the years in accepting me for who I am and being comfortable in my skin and that I am in fact 'ok' as a man, I still don't 'love' myself and desperately desire to be needed and wanted and accepted by other men. But the caveat is these other men need to be men that I find attractive for whatever reason.

IDK what's going on in my life lately, but I've found myself frenziedly cruising friends of friends on Facebook for hours on end and occasionally sending requests out to guys I find attractive in hopes of connecting w/ them. This doesn't mean I'm looking for a relationship or a quickie w/ these dudes; I just NEED and WANT the satisfaction of them accepting my request. It's almost like my inner 14 yr old boy's way of ensuring that "yes I'm ok" to other men and that they are interested in getting to know me. And the men I've been pursuing/stalking aren't specifically gay nor have to be either. They just tickle my fancy for whatever reason. But it is usually physically based, at first. So if that guy accepts my request, I feel phenomenal. If he doesn't, I feel like shit and get hurt and angry at this stupid jerk-off who shunned me.

Oh, and I keep a detailed, thorough list of this activity - those who accept, deny, block, never accept, etc. and vice versa. Sometimes guys occasionally reach out to me (though, very few and far between b/c I'm the one that usually has to reach out or instigate anything w/ the kind of men who I want). If the guy piques my interest or attractions for whatever reason I'm completely flattered that he would reach out to me. But if I'm not attracted or interested in them, sometimes I still go ahead and accept their request but sometimes I won't. Nevertheless, if I don't accept their request I will always tell them why or at least make up something. Mr. nice guy, right? I wish the pricks I was reaching out to had that same kind of decency. At least it wouldn't make me feel like it was something about "me."

We all want to be wanted. You do as well, to some extent. For me it just sometimes becomes an obsession. When I try to break it down and deep think the whys and what-fors, I can't. I've never been able to deep think and dig through my issues. Like I said before, I think I know where it comes from, but I sure wish I knew how to fix it and learn to love myself and be happy w/ myself and content in the knowledge that my wife, friends, and family love me for me and I don't need assurance from men. I shouldn't need the men I'm interested in make me feel like I have worth or am acceptable or have value. Sad, isn't it?